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Original poster

My 6 year old says she has always hated me

71 replies

Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 22:49

So I’d really like some help here. My daughter has always told me that she doesn’t love me, and doesn’t like me. I have always been a committed father, I love her and she is the most important person in my life. I have recently split with her mother, but that hasn’t really changed her outward behaviour. We wrestle, we play, we talk, we do fun things. She’s 6, shes not lying. I am really really hurt and sad about it and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask her why, she says ‘I don’t know’ and even when I gently persist she cannot tell me why she doesn’t like me. All I’ve been able to come up with is the terrible example of how to treat the men in her life that her mother has set for her. I really don’t know how to fix this, or what I’m doing wrong. It’s got to the point that when her mother drops her off to me she cries and is genuinely upset and says that she misses her mum and doesn’t want to be with me. I just don’t understand it. Any thoughts or question welcome please,

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 30/01/2021 22:52

How were things between you and her Mum before you moved out and how are things now ?

ElsieBobo · 30/01/2021 22:54

Do you talk about her mum like that to her? She may feel disloyal to her mother by being ‘friendly’ to you possibly? It’s sounds like she’s testing you a bit to see how committed you are to her. I can appreciate how heart breaking that must have been to hear. I would wage a bit however that she hasn’t always ‘hated’ you and is just having strong and confusing feelings right now and trying to add emphasis when communicating that.

Love51 · 30/01/2021 23:01

Yeah the relationship between you and your daughter is totally her mother's fault Hmm

It is your job as her dad to be bigger than this.
If she says I hate you it is because she wants a response. She needs to know you aren't going anywhere. Just tell her you love her and will always be her daddy, and get on with the fun playing.

willFOURbagsbeenough · 30/01/2021 23:04

Wow it didn’t take long for you to get to the mother blaming OP. Most men are at least smart enough to give it a few posts before they start that.

Clymene · 30/01/2021 23:06

Just post on pistonheads or whatever that bloke forum is if you want to slag off your ex for being a man hating bitch.

You'll get a much better reception

And no she doesn't hate you. SHE'S SIX

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:07

@Love51

Yeah the relationship between you and your daughter is totally her mother's fault Hmm

It is your job as her dad to be bigger than this.
If she says I hate you it is because she wants a response. She needs to know you aren't going anywhere. Just tell her you love her and will always be her daddy, and get on with the fun playing.

That’s what I figured, and that’s exactly how I respond. I never, never badmouth her mother in front of her. Little girls learn how to treat the men in their lives from watching their mother interacting with their father. It’s all I can think of. This isn’t new behaviour, she has always said it. Things were terrible between me and my ex, but we never argued in front of my daughter. Just a very tense atmosphere for...well, her whole life I guess
OP posts:
Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:09

@Clymene

Just post on pistonheads or whatever that bloke forum is if you want to slag off your ex for being a man hating bitch.

You'll get a much better reception

And no she doesn't hate you. SHE'S SIX

I am not here to slag off my ex. It’s a genuine question. Directed at fathers, not embittered mothers
OP posts:
Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:12

@ElsieBobo

Do you talk about her mum like that to her? She may feel disloyal to her mother by being ‘friendly’ to you possibly? It’s sounds like she’s testing you a bit to see how committed you are to her. I can appreciate how heart breaking that must have been to hear. I would wage a bit however that she hasn’t always ‘hated’ you and is just having strong and confusing feelings right now and trying to add emphasis when communicating that.
No I never talk about her mother like that to her, never bad mouth her. My daughters behaviour isn’t new. It’s complicated, she just seems to really believe that she doesn’t like/love me. I’m at a loss
OP posts:
RubaiyatOfAnyone · 30/01/2021 23:19

if this does happen, whatever the cause, your job as her parent and the adult in the situation is to give her unconditional love, support, always be available to her, and also call her up on unkind actions like saying “i’ve always hated you” to ANYONE, including you. Tell her that is an unacceptable thing to say, that it is hurtful, and unkind. Tell her that you love her very much, and that won’t ever change, and if there are things that are making her unhappy you want to hear about them, but that she can’t say things that are just designed to hurt other people. She is old enough to understand that now.

Teaching her good behaviour and making sure she has boundaries is part of that good parenting. You will be doing other people, and your future self, no favours if you let this slide because you are trying to “win” her love through Disney-Dadding.

And most importantly, even if she says this, no matter what she says or does, just continue to be there for her. Don’t phase out of her life because “it would be best for her” or because it is easier. Keep seeing her, keep talking, keep reassuring her. She needs that, whether she knows it or not, she is only 6.

Diverseopinions · 30/01/2021 23:21

It might be helpful to to speak with a trained psychologist. It must be harder to get appointments during these lockdown times, but, if you are able to gain some advice, it would give you more qualified answers. You wouldn't be stating that you felt something is wrong, you just would like some answers from a professional who is experienced and has seen other presentations of similar behaviour.

If I were to speak with a professional in a situation like the one you describe, I would ask about trust.

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 30/01/2021 23:24

I'm sorry but your being a dick

This clearly has nothing to do with your more. I hazard a guess you put very little time and effort into your daughter pre break up and now want to be the amazing dad, most will know it as being a DISNEY DAD.

Work on your relationship with your daughter and stop blaming your ex before it really is too late!!

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:27

@RubaiyatOfAnyone

if this does happen, whatever the cause, your job as her parent and the adult in the situation is to give her unconditional love, support, always be available to her, and also call her up on unkind actions like saying “i’ve always hated you” to ANYONE, including you. Tell her that is an unacceptable thing to say, that it is hurtful, and unkind. Tell her that you love her very much, and that won’t ever change, and if there are things that are making her unhappy you want to hear about them, but that she can’t say things that are just designed to hurt other people. She is old enough to understand that now.

Teaching her good behaviour and making sure she has boundaries is part of that good parenting. You will be doing other people, and your future self, no favours if you let this slide because you are trying to “win” her love through Disney-Dadding.

And most importantly, even if she says this, no matter what she says or does, just continue to be there for her. Don’t phase out of her life because “it would be best for her” or because it is easier. Keep seeing her, keep talking, keep reassuring her. She needs that, whether she knows it or not, she is only 6.

Thank you. I have held back so far in saying ‘don’t say those things’ because I want her to know that her feelings matter and I want to hear about them. On balance I think you’re right, continue with the consistency but call out the unacceptable hurtful behaviour. In the longer term I should perhaps seek a counsellors advice on the matter. Children are so complicated 😂
OP posts:
Clymene · 30/01/2021 23:29

Oh I didn't realise you'd posted on dadsnet. I never understand why that comes up in active.

Fwiw I'm not bitter.

I'm sorry your daughter doesn't like you.

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:30

@NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN

I'm sorry but your being a dick

This clearly has nothing to do with your more. I hazard a guess you put very little time and effort into your daughter pre break up and now want to be the amazing dad, most will know it as being a DISNEY DAD.

Work on your relationship with your daughter and stop blaming your ex before it really is too late!!

No need for name calling. I am not a Disney dad, and as I said right in the beginning, I have always been a committed father
OP posts:
Clymene · 30/01/2021 23:30

What does being a committed father mean?

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:38

The usual stuff. Cooking for her, bathing her, walking her to school and picking her up. Turning up to school plays, playing with her, talking to her, sometimes just watching tv with her - coping with frozen 2. All of the above, as much as I can

OP posts:
Marley20 · 30/01/2021 23:39

She doesn't hate you I promise. She's hurt, confused and scared. Her emotions are too big for her to handle and she doesn't have the ability to talk about it or process it. She's pushing boundaries and looking for reassurance. Keep telling her you love her and keep being there for her and this will pass quickly. It feels horrible but is really not unusual, you may need to have a quick word with yourself when you find you start getting upset at it. Don't take it out on her, count to ten and remind yourself she really doesn't mean it.

Marley20 · 30/01/2021 23:42

My son went through a stage of this with me too, it soon passed.

SunsetSenora · 30/01/2021 23:42

Kids know a lot more about what is going on than we think, so it is entirely possible she saw or heard things between you and her mother you were not aware of. It may be that she is repeating something she heard or is blaming you for leaving her and her mother (especially if she is with her mum more than with you). Fromm your comments about her mother, I bet you are leaking a lot of feelings about her mother, even if you dont mean to, which is a really hard thing to keep under wraps but well worth aiming for. Agree with the others - the best response is 'well I love you and always will' and then get on with playing.

RJnomore1 · 30/01/2021 23:46

Does she want to wrestle with you?

She’s scared, you’ve just gone away from her mum, in her 6 year old head you might go away from her too.

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:47

Thank you for this Marley. Deep down I know that she CANT mean it, but she says it with such sincerity... she’s so smart.. I tried going down the ‘what are you really trying to express when you say that’ route but she ‘made’ me in under 20 seconds ‘ we’re talking about why I don’t like you aren’t we ‘dad’. Complicated little monkey.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:49

Yes, all of that is very possible. Leaking my grief over her mother is a hard one to keep a lid on but I am guarded about it because I know it’s bad

OP posts:
Clymene · 30/01/2021 23:51

@Marley20

She doesn't hate you I promise. She's hurt, confused and scared. Her emotions are too big for her to handle and she doesn't have the ability to talk about it or process it. She's pushing boundaries and looking for reassurance. Keep telling her you love her and keep being there for her and this will pass quickly. It feels horrible but is really not unusual, you may need to have a quick word with yourself when you find you start getting upset at it. Don't take it out on her, count to ten and remind yourself she really doesn't mean it.
Do this. It's not personal, she doesn't mean it and it means she feels safe. She knows deep down that she can say that and you'll be there for her. She's angry and confused and she's lashing out.

Be there, be consistent and let her know that no matter what goes on with you and her mum that she's the most important person in your life.

Original poster
Justin12345 · 30/01/2021 23:51

@RJnomore1

Does she want to wrestle with you?

She’s scared, you’ve just gone away from her mum, in her 6 year old head you might go away from her too.

Oh god she loves it, it’s tickle time really, not wrestling, she absolutely loves it.
OP posts:
Keratinsmooth · 30/01/2021 23:52

My daughter does this to her Dad, we are together, not divorced. She is vocal about not liking him

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