My 6 year old says she has always hated me

[Justin12345]

So I’d really like some help here. My daughter has always told me that she doesn’t love me, and doesn’t like me. I have always been a committed father, I love her and she is the most important person in my life. I have recently split with her mother, but that hasn’t really changed her outward behaviour. We wrestle, we play, we talk, we do fun things. She’s 6, shes not lying. I am really really hurt and sad about it and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask her why, she says ‘I don’t know’ and even when I gently persist she cannot tell me why she doesn’t like me. All I’ve been able to come up with is the terrible example of how to treat the men in her life that her mother has set for her. I really don’t know how to fix this, or what I’m doing wrong. It’s got to the point that when her mother drops her off to me she cries and is genuinely upset and says that she misses her mum and doesn’t want to be with me. I just don’t understand it. Any thoughts or question welcome please,

Taking what you say at face value you seem like a good dad and obviously want to fix this issue.
Ignore the Disney dad remark, that pp obviously didn't read your thread properly.
Do you think you ex has bad mouthed you in front of your dd?

As said earlier consistency is the key.
Just keep reassuring your dd that you love her.
Be breezy, don't make a big thing of it.
You say she's tearful when she arrives. Is there a particular toy or game that she loves?
Perhaps you could say
Hello dd, were going to play xyz game today.
Or whatever you know she loves.

If there's something special that she only does with you she'll look forward to it.
Good luck.

Have you spoken to your ex about this? Do you have an amicable enough relationship to broach this and work out a solution?

If not, could you get a relative (aunt/grandparent) your daughter trusts to speak toher.

I must admit, it sounds a bit like separation anxiety being complicated by the divorce and the atmosphere surrounding it

Ok so a different view point, and a question to start....

Is she very close with her mum?

The reason I ask this is because sometimes especially when children are little it is not usual for them to favour their mothers. This is sort of biological and necessary in the sense that the bond between baby and mother is instant, and that baby depends on mum for food/milk. Sometimes that need that becomes love can be very consuming for a child, so it’s not that your child doesn’t love you, it may be more the case that she has a different love for her mother than she does for you. At age six she can’t differentiate these feelings, only in so much as that what she feels for her mum isn’t the same as what she feels for you. She may take this to mean that she doesn’t love you, but I would absolutely bet that’s not the case. You also mention a terrible atmosphere between you and her mum, and even if you don’t argue in front of her she will pick up on this. At this age if she favours her mother it will be natural for her to take her mothers side, even if she doesn’t know or understand what she is taking that side against. This atmosphere may have caused her to view you differently, or as the cause of it. I’m not saying that’s your fault, but for your daughter in the absence of understanding of the issues between you and her mum I can guarantee that she will have made some sort of narrative about this is in her head, it’s what children do to make sense of things.

I echo what previous posters have said and would advise to remain a constant in her life, because despite what she says I’m sure she loves you. In time she will get used to the time away from her mum, and it will be good for her to keep seeing you without the cloud of atmosphere that came with your relationship with her mum. Keep reassuring her that you love her not matter what, and that you will always be there for her, will always love her EVEN if she doesn’t love you.

She doesn’t hate you. She’s probably very confused about your separation from her mother. Her saying this is her likely looking for some kind of reaction. Every time she says it I would simply respond with something along the lines of ‘that’s not very kind and a bit of pity because I love you very much’. Then move on quickly.

Children at 6 haven’t got the capacity to explain things or sometimes figure out their own complex emotions in the way we do so they often say things or behave in ways that aren’t directly related to what’s actually bothering them.

It could be as simple as she’s confused and hurt about no longer living with you so in her own way she’s pushing you away and not really understanding why.

Whatever you do just always tell her you love her and if it carries on maybe speak to a therapist or something for advice.

Ok I was just checking!

Just keep reassuring her. She’s not meaning to be horrible to you.

I don’t believe that my ex has overtly bad mouthed me in front of my daughter, no. The relationship is amicable in so far as we talk if we must, my ex is concerned with her own problems and is unlikely to apply herself in any way to this. I’ve tried making her a card (she loves that atm) and then calling her a few hours before pick up to tell her it’s waiting for her, it helped a bit I suppose, I’ll try that again

@Lillygolightly

Ok so a different view point, and a question to start....

Is she very close with her mum?

The reason I ask this is because sometimes especially when children are little it is not usual for them to favour their mothers. This is sort of biological and necessary in the sense that the bond between baby and mother is instant, and that baby depends on mum for food/milk. Sometimes that need that becomes love can be very consuming for a child, so it’s not that your child doesn’t love you, it may be more the case that she has a different love for her mother than she does for you. At age six she can’t differentiate these feelings, only in so much as that what she feels for her mum isn’t the same as what she feels for you. She may take this to mean that she doesn’t love you, but I would absolutely bet that’s not the case. You also mention a terrible atmosphere between you and her mum, and even if you don’t argue in front of her she will pick up on this. At this age if she favours her mother it will be natural for her to take her mothers side, even if she doesn’t know or understand what she is taking that side against. This atmosphere may have caused her to view you differently, or as the cause of it. I’m not saying that’s your fault, but for your daughter in the absence of understanding of the issues between you and her mum I can guarantee that she will have made some sort of narrative about this is in her head, it’s what children do to make sense of things.

I echo what previous posters have said and would advise to remain a constant in her life, because despite what she says I’m sure she loves you. In time she will get used to the time away from her mum, and it will be good for her to keep seeing you without the cloud of atmosphere that came with your relationship with her mum. Keep reassuring her that you love her not matter what, and that you will always be there for her, will always love her EVEN if she doesn’t love you.

Yes she is very close with her mum, not in the beginning but definitely now. Someone said separation anxiety earlier, and the tearful thing at pick up is very much like that

I’m going to bed, I’ll catch up with this thread in the morning, thank you all for your input 👍

Could you not respond with “ well I love you” every time she says she hates you? Eventually she might come round to knowing the break up isn’t about leaving her behind because you love her and say it so much.

She doesn't hate you. You don't wrestle with people you hate. Sounds like an attention thing. Agree that she shouldn't be allowed to say she hates anyone as it's hurtful, though she is always allowed to ask them to stop any behaviour that is scaring her or making her feel sad or uncomfortable.

The way you speak about her mother is horrible, by the way, and as a stranger on a message board I recoiled from it, and from some of your replies on here ('embittered mothers'). If this is a glimmer into what you're like in real life, you're probably not hiding your animosity towards her mother from your daughter as well as you think and that could be part of the problem.

Shocked at some of the responses OP, but also not shocked. Lots of angry men hating women on here with pitch forks. You posted on a specific dads section so you should really only be getting dads responding as the women will never give you a fair hearing and automatically assume you're a bad dad.

I've zero experience of what you're going through but I have heard of this before from friends some of which were in separated relationships and some where they where the marriage was stable.

I recommend a one on one chat with the mother. She has to support you on this. I don't know how good your relationship is with your ex but whatever her feelings toward you she needs to put that aside and work with you to change this situation with your daughter. There's obviously a reason why your daughter is reacting this way. I suspect only you will be able to work out what, hopefully with the support of your ex.

Chin up.

Mind the pitch forks.

Well I can think of one little girl who is constantly manipulated by her estranged father. When he has her, she is told to back him up, against everyone. Mum, gran, wider world. Idiot is making his daughter resent him. He also plays rough with her, wrestling etc. She hates it and tells me. Six year old girls are just that, 6, and do not wish to be daddy's confidant regarding his issues. And yes, he demands, to know if she loves him, all the time. Clearly one upmanship with the ex.

@LucyLockdown

She doesn't hate you. You don't wrestle with people you hate. Sounds like an attention thing. Agree that she shouldn't be allowed to say she hates anyone as it's hurtful, though she is always allowed to ask them to stop any behaviour that is scaring her or making her feel sad or uncomfortable.

The way you speak about her mother is horrible, by the way, and as a stranger on a message board I recoiled from it, and from some of your replies on here ('embittered mothers'). If this is a glimmer into what you're like in real life, you're probably not hiding your animosity towards her mother from your daughter as well as you think and that could be part of the problem.

I was responding to being set upon, by strangers on a message board. I am talking to adults at the moment, if her mother is horrible I can say so. I don’t feel animosity towards her mother

@lydia2021

Well I can think of one little girl who is constantly manipulated by her estranged father. When he has her, she is told to back him up, against everyone. Mum, gran, wider world. Idiot is making his daughter resent him. He also plays rough with her, wrestling etc. She hates it and tells me. Six year old girls are just that, 6, and do not wish to be daddy's confidant regarding his issues. And yes, he demands, to know if she loves him, all the time. Clearly one upmanship with the ex.

Yes I understand, that’s not me

I think you get a feel mate if its something the kids would say themself or not. Doesnt sound like this is something a six year old would say. Ive experienced similar you just have to rise above it. If she says this but none of her actions are consistent you can be confident the relationship is fine.

I'm massively surprised by some of the responses. This is the DADSNET part of the forum. If you can't accept some Mothers act badly stay off it.

@stout01

I think you get a feel mate if its something the kids would say themself or not. Doesnt sound like this is something a six year old would say. Ive experienced similar you just have to rise above it. If she says this but none of her actions are consistent you can be confident the relationship is fine.

I'm massively surprised by some of the responses. This is the DADSNET part of the forum. If you can't accept some Mothers act badly stay off it.

I feel better about it after *some of the more constructive replies here, so thank you, and thanks to those who’ve made constructive suggestions. I had a chat with her about it today. I told her that she’s allowed to think and feel what she wants and that’s normal, but she mustn’t say hurtful things to me anymore. She gets it. I don’t think anyone is putting words into her mouth, I really don’t know what’s going on but I am convinced now that she holds me very dear

@LouiseTrees

Could you not respond with “ well I love you” every time she says she hates you? Eventually she might come round to knowing the break up isn’t about leaving her behind because you love her and say it so much.

Agree entirely. And takes away any frisson of excitement if it does happen to be attention seeking behaviour, by you just behaving calmly and lovingly.

I don't think for a moment that she hates you - but she is definitely struggling with her feelings about you and the split, and in her little mind that's coming out as "I hate you".

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I did this to my dad at a similar age. Apparently when my mother left him and took us, I pointed my finger in his face and said "We're getting away from YOU" which broke his heart. I don't remember that, but I do remember refusing to speak to him on access visits and repeating accusations to him of awful things my mother had said he'd done.

The thing is, I adored my dad. I cried myself to sleep every night because he wasn't there. I've always been very close to am, and I still am now he's 80. I just couldn't process the enormity and trauma of the split, how acrimonious it was (you may not think she knows how you and her mother feel about each other, but she does).

Every time she says it, say "Well that makes me sad, but I love you. I will always love you, no matter what you say or do." That's what my dad did and I believed him, and it mattered.

@Wearywithteens

“Doesnt sound like this is something a six year old would say.”

Oh get over - it’s one of the most common things young kids say...it doesn’t literally mean she hates you OP - it is communication though and she’s obviously unhappy about something.

Maybe she doesn’t like the upheaval of living between households, maybe she feels some sort of guilt about leaving her mum if she knows her mum isn’t happy, maybe she feels some disloyalty to her mum and the crying is her way of offsetting some if this. Basically we don’t know the wider context and can’t read the child like you can. But I certainly wouldn’t rise to it. The right answer, when a child tells you they hate you, is always to say ‘well I love you...’ end of story. They need to know that in their worst confusion and anger that you are the consistent factor and your commitment is never in question.

Can you talk to her mum about it?

I hate you, yes I can understand that comment. I've always hated you, its a subtle distinction and what would have me questioning things.

Any comment on the over the top comments on this thread?

Glad the OP has found some clarity in his situation.

I have always responded with ‘I love you anyway and I always will. I notice that everyone is very focussed on the split, I said right at the beginning that this is not new behaviour -I’ve had about 4 years of it now. This has made me think however. I’ve had ‘periods’ of this behaviour over 4 years, it hasn’t been constant and there was an 18 month ish period when she didn’t say these things at all

That’s the nail on the head right there! That’s why it gets to me. She doesn’t say I don’t like you (today) , she says ‘I’ve never liked you’ and that blows my mind. I know she has been present a lot when the ex has bad mouthed me to her friends but she was much younger then (3or 4)

She tells you she has never liked you because when she is in the mood where she doesn't like you, she will genuinely not be able to remember all the times she felt otherwise due to context dependent memory. 6 year olds can't remember how they felt every moment of their life about something so will firmly believe that how they feel right this second is how they have ALWAYS felt. I'm not sure I agree that her treatment is learned behaviour from mum though. My daughter has always been very agressive and bullying with her dad, and I am constantly telling her not to treat him like that, but he doesn't stand up for himself at all, so she dominates him. She hasn't learned it from me as I don't punch and kick and shout at him. He tolerates it, so she keeps doing it. She rarely treats me that way as I have strong boundaries for acceptable behaviour. Unless I'm feeling down and fed up, then she starts on me as she senses weakness and goes for the kill. Is she stressed out and looking for someone (you) to pick on to give her back a sense of control? She knows you won't fight back, so she feels safe expressing all her anger at you, I think. It's good she feels safe and that she can take you for granted, but you might need to find a gentle way to stick up for yourself.

Also, I get the sense that telling you she hates you is a super effective way to get your undivided attention. Maybe if you stop rising to it and just say 'sorry you feel that way' then change the subject and carry on as normal, she will stop doing it. My daughter often plays up for her dad when she doesn't feel he's paying attention to her.