My 6 year old says she has always hated me

[Justin12345]

So I’d really like some help here. My daughter has always told me that she doesn’t love me, and doesn’t like me. I have always been a committed father, I love her and she is the most important person in my life. I have recently split with her mother, but that hasn’t really changed her outward behaviour. We wrestle, we play, we talk, we do fun things. She’s 6, shes not lying. I am really really hurt and sad about it and I just don’t know what to do. When I ask her why, she says ‘I don’t know’ and even when I gently persist she cannot tell me why she doesn’t like me. All I’ve been able to come up with is the terrible example of how to treat the men in her life that her mother has set for her. I really don’t know how to fix this, or what I’m doing wrong. It’s got to the point that when her mother drops her off to me she cries and is genuinely upset and says that she misses her mum and doesn’t want to be with me. I just don’t understand it. Any thoughts or question welcome please,

@IrritableBitchSyndrome

Also, I get the sense that telling you she hates you is a super effective way to get your undivided attention. Maybe if you stop rising to it and just say 'sorry you feel that way' then change the subject and carry on as normal, she will stop doing it. My daughter often plays up for her dad when she doesn't feel he's paying attention to her.

Both your comments make a lot of sense regarding my situation, thank you. Particularly interesting is your insight on her memory of how she feels about me. When I say she’s learned it, I mean that years of watching my relationship with her mother, and listening to her mother talk to her friends, must’ve made some impression. I appreciate that your experience is different however

I can imagine it must be very hard. I would just reply with 'well i love you, more than anything in the world and i always will'
Just make sure she knows you love her and hopefully as she grows her grasp on feelings will get better

@Wearywithteens

“Any comment on the over the top comments on this thread?”

No I’m just trying to give a mum’s perspective and be helpful. I’m always of the opinion that you must treat the emotional tantrums of young children like a storm that will pass, and not to analyse it too much.

Yes I agree the ‘I’ve never liked you’ comments are odd and if it were me, I’d be asking a lot of indirect, subtle questions to get to the heart of what the problem is. I’d also be asking her mum and appealing to her better nature to try and be supportive about the transition between households. Even if she’s bitter about the break up, surely she wouldn’t want her daughter being unnecessarily distressed?

I fully agree

It must be a hard situation dealing with a split. I'm not doubting her intelligence but at 6 she is emotionally immature. Try not to take it to heart - none of us are perfect: mums or dads. Just carry on being there for her, spending as much time with her as you can, keep reassuring her that you love her and everything will be fine.

Yes carry on reminding her that you love her anyway, but I also agree she needs gentle but firm reminders about being kind and not saying hurtful things. So for example
“Well I love you very much but remember saying I hate you isn’t kind. We need to be kind to each other don’t we?”
Also remind her of the kind things that you do for her.

@MissyB1

Yes carry on reminding her that you love her anyway, but I also agree she needs gentle but firm reminders about being kind and not saying hurtful things. So for example “Well I love you very much but remember saying I hate you isn’t kind. We need to be kind to each other don’t we?” Also remind her of the kind things that you do for her.

Good advice.

Depending on the back story this might be hard to do but the best way you can help your dd is to foster a good coparenting relationship with her mother. That might mean doing things that seem unfair/unbalanced but one of you has to be the bigger person. Your dd will appreciate it as she gets older and is able to view the situation from a more mature perspective.

Otherwise I agree with others, just calmly tell her it isn’t nice to tell people that and move on. Don’t feed the drama/attention seeking just be a calm, consistent presence in her life.

So I’m more convinced than ever about her mother’s influence now, and yes, I’ve dedicated a large proportion of my efforts to making whatever concessions are needed for useful coparenting. I had ‘the chat’ with my daughter and things are better for her conscience and our interactions now. She’s a sweet girl with the heart and face of an angel. When she was two, she toddled into our room in the pitch dark one morning, walked all the way around the bed avoiding my ‘space’ and climbed in to her mother’s side. Her mother had already got up. My daughter tugged at my eyebrows and when she realised I wasnt her mother, she promptly got up and toddled back to her own bed. I was devestated. A two yes old who sought comfort, but would rather be alone than cosy up with her dad. The more I think about it, there is no way a child can be born with this behaviour. She’s modelling her mother’s behaviour in treating me with contempt and indifference no matter how hard I try. I wonder if there is a way to remedy this damage so that my daughter doesn’t miss out on a fulfilling relationship with her father

I think you're reading too much into it. She was 2. My kids have both done things like this over the years. They want what they want at that exact moment - when she came into bed she was looking for mum, mum wasn't there, so that was that. She didn't have the capacity to think beyond that. An adult would think 'what are the alternatives? Will my actions be rude or hurtful?' etc. Toddlers don't think that way.

Now that she is 6 and has been through the huge trauma of the split she has probably been rocked to her core. Her life as she knew it has changed forever, the solid rock of her parents that she lived on has become two, and she had absolutely NO control over any of it. That's so upsetting and hard to process for her.

When a child tells you they don't like you or don't love you it is a test of your boundaries. They want to know that you love them unconditionally but don't have the words or maturity to ask that of you. Instead they act out or say they don't love you to test your reaction.

You MUST calmly reply that you love them, you like them and you're always going to be her Dad, no matter what. Then back to the game or story or whatever.

It's like she's living on shifting sands and she's looking for solid things to cling to. You have to be that solid rock. Leave whatever her mother is doing out of it, you can't control that. You can only control your own relationship with your daughter and she needs you to be calm, consistent, committed and loving more than ever.

You do sound like a great dad - don't let the breakdown of your relationship distract you from that.

Thank you for this, I will continue to do this and you’re right of course.

@LucyLockdown

She doesn't hate you. You don't wrestle with people you hate. Sounds like an attention thing. Agree that she shouldn't be allowed to say she hates anyone as it's hurtful, though she is always allowed to ask them to stop any behaviour that is scaring her or making her feel sad or uncomfortable.

The way you speak about her mother is horrible, by the way, and as a stranger on a message board I recoiled from it, and from some of your replies on here ('embittered mothers'). If this is a glimmer into what you're like in real life, you're probably not hiding your animosity towards her mother from your daughter as well as you think and that could be part of the problem.

I agree with this. I also found the way you talk about your ex hard to read, and your daughter knows that you feel this. I think she wants the security of you saying “well I love you and always will, however you feel about me” because she has been wounded by your breakup and clearly toxic relationship. Very hard for a small girl to sense how much you despise her mother.

@Justin12345

So I’m more convinced than ever about her mother’s influence now, and yes, I’ve dedicated a large proportion of my efforts to making whatever concessions are needed for useful coparenting. I had ‘the chat’ with my daughter and things are better for her conscience and our interactions now. She’s a sweet girl with the heart and face of an angel. When she was two, she toddled into our room in the pitch dark one morning, walked all the way around the bed avoiding my ‘space’ and climbed in to her mother’s side. Her mother had already got up. My daughter tugged at my eyebrows and when she realised I wasnt her mother, she promptly got up and toddled back to her own bed. I was devestated. A two yes old who sought comfort, but would rather be alone than cosy up with her dad. The more I think about it, there is no way a child can be born with this behaviour. She’s modelling her mother’s behaviour in treating me with contempt and indifference no matter how hard I try. I wonder if there is a way to remedy this damage so that my daughter doesn’t miss out on a fulfilling relationship with her father

This is nonsense. Stop projecting your dislike of your child’s mother onto a tiny little girl. Most small children would do this. Even my 13 year old still does this , if she has a nightmare and comes into our bed she wants me. That doesn’t at all negate how much she loves my husband .

You need to find your way back somehow to the things you loved in her mother, or this will damage your child and your relationship with her.
It isn’t a competition, small children want their mothers. I have two daughters who were both very clingy of me for many years, my husband didn’t take it personally, feel jealous, assume that I had somehow influenced my daughters or poisoned them against him. I find your attitude towards your ex genuinely disturbing.

Hard to say without knowing her side of things of course
But if you are as nice a dad as you think you are... I saw some good advice on TV recently where a single father was being pushed away by his 11 year old son. The father was constantly trying to run after and please the boy who treated him with - not quite contempt but disrespect.
The advice was to “be a lighthouse”. When the child flounders on the rocks, don’t join the child there. Be a strong, calm and welcoming lighthouse always so that the child always knows how to get away from the rocks.
A bit Little House on the Prairie maybe but it might resonate.

My daughter who is also 6 has always been like this with her dad. No rhyme nor reason for it. We also find her a very complicated person. Lockdown bought this to a head in a good way. Her dad speed read a few parenting books, and describes as an absolute revelation. How to talk so little kids will listen. 123 magic. And I've been reading playful parenting and passing on advice. He's been working really hard on his communication style. And doing activities for a quality connection. He wasnt doing anything 'wrong' before, but like I said, Dd is well, complicated! There's been a big change in a very short space of time. Maybe worth a read up.

I might have missed this as I've only read some posts. But how often do you see her? And is it consistent? My children are like this with their dad. I have never bad mouthed him in front of them (in fact it's him that bad mouths me). But I think they're like this with him as they see him so little. He only sees them once a week, and even then he doesn't always turn up. I think they just don't see him as a parent anymore. Not saying this is your situation, it sounds like you really do care. However worth considering if you're seeing her often enough.

You’re right, it couldn’t possibly be that the ex is a bad mother or bad person. I came to this forum for help, not judgement.
If my posts disturb you, try a nice cup of camomile tea and a little lie down

“Try a nice cup of Camomile tea and a lie down “
And there you are, exposed as a patronising and really rather unpleasant and bitter little man.

@SirVixofVixHall

“Try a nice cup of Camomile tea and a lie down “ And there you are, exposed as a patronising and really rather unpleasant and bitter little man.

Indeed! Not so saintly after all.

Try a site like separated dads as you'll get some practical advice on that forum.

This place badly lacks balance sadly even on the dadsnet forum.

play therapy can change your/her lifes