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Who’s in the wrong?

59 replies

Bobty123 · 30/08/2020 20:19

I’ll try keep this as short as possible.

I have twin boys aged 8. I have them on weekends for 5 weekends then they’re with their mother for 1 weekend. I also have them Tuesday after work (3-7).

My partner (2.5years) is now kicking off as I’m not spending enough time with her and too much time with my kids. This has always been there in a small way but never nothing big until last couple months.

She doesn’t like that when my boys are here I do everything with them, play board games, play PS4/switch, arts and crafts, in the garden on trampoline, to the park, sit and watch (really annoying) youtubers... but my boys love it and it makes them happy so I really don’t care if it bores me.

I’m only having them over the weekend So I want to enjoy that time as much as I can because I know it will get to an age where they just wanna go out with their friends or have friends stay over at mums house, also my dad was never there when I was a kid so I never want my kids to fee how I felt.

But she’s not happy that I don’t sit with her, talk with her, watch tv with her. Bear in mind when it gets to the weekend she shuts herself out from us and sits upstairs most of the time, I always go up regularly see how she is, does she need anything, want anything if we’re going out. But apparently I do too much with them and not enough with her.

Am I in the wrong or is she?

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bloodywhitecat · 30/08/2020 20:22

She is, your boys are only young enough to need this kind of input for a very short time and I think you are right to be giving them your all while they are with you.

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Oswin · 30/08/2020 20:23

She is. Honestly do yourself a favour and end it.

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Doodar · 30/08/2020 20:25

She is, dump her, she’s mardy.

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giletrouge · 30/08/2020 20:26

Yup, she is.
You sound like a great dad.

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nancybotwinbloom · 30/08/2020 20:27

Don't have kids with her ffs.

She will want time just three three of you and exclude the other two. Constantly.

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witchofthenorth · 30/08/2020 20:35

Oh god she is being massively unreasonable. You are their father. Get rid, it will only get worse.

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missyB1 · 30/08/2020 20:36

So what time do you spend with your partner? 5 weekends on the trot you are busy with your kids, do you and your partner do much together in the week? Nights out etc..? It’s not wrong to spend that time with your kids but perhaps you need to ask yourself if you can really sustain a relationship as well.
I had two boys when I met Dh and my boys lived with me. But Dh and I regularly went out at night, and at weekends we did stuff with the boys, but also sometimes without them. I wouldn’t have expected my fella to sit in the house all weekend every weekend whilst I sat and entertained my boys - it would have been difficult to sustain a relationship like that.

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Justforgiggles · 30/08/2020 20:41

I would say she's in the wrong OP. You're just trying to be a dad.. A good dad by all accounts.. I regret to say this but she is going to learn to come effectively second best.. In my would my DD has always and will always comes first, if a man I'm with firstly cannot respect and then accept that.. Then they are not the man for me. Your kids will grow up so quickly and she has the opportunity to join in and be part of the blended family. I would maybe have a chat with her and stress that your kids come first because you don't have them full time.. But that you understand she might be feeling neglected and you'll make some time for you two to do something nice when you can..she is wrong to expect you to not spend time with your kids but i can also see if she's not ready to be step mum just yet and wants to enjoy time with you..

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BlueJag · 30/08/2020 20:42

She is as wrong as wrong can be. It most be very stressful to know she is unhappy when you have your boys.
I do exactly the same but my husband doesn't mind at all. He is at times excluded but only because he doesn't want to do the things our teen wants to do. Time goes by way too quickly.
I think it's time to rethink the future with her. Nobody should make you feel bad about seeing your boys.

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AbyssusAbyssumInvocat · 30/08/2020 20:42

Why doesn't she join in with you? Do you spend quality time together on the weekend you have together?

To be honest, whilst you sound like a great dad, you don't sound like the best partner. I can see why she wants more time with you but i fail to see why you don't do things as a unit?

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FixTheBone · 30/08/2020 20:47

If she doesnt want to spend as much time with your kids as you do, she isnt the right person to be spending the rest of your life with.

This can only either go nowhere, or end in pain much later.

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NearlyGranny · 30/08/2020 20:48

You both need to re-think, I reckon. Your DP took you on as a father with children. If she can't cope with the reality, she picked the wrong partner.

It's stressful for you feeling guilty about her being alone and excluded and dashing between her and your DC. The question I'd be asking is whether you have the time and emotional capacity to commit to a serious relationship at this point in your life.

It just isn't working, is it?

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Bobty123 · 30/08/2020 20:49

MissyB1 if I understand your questions correct yes we do have our time in the week. We normally try and at least go out for meal once or twice a month, we would always go the cinema almost every week before COVID but obv that’s stopped. When we have our free weekend we always try plan a little trip away but again this stopped with COVID and I think it’s been hard to get back to that just because of the problems we’ve been having so when we do get to our weekend it doesn’t feel 100%. Last free weekend we went for nice days out with long walks which we both enjoy doing and it felt good between us, next weekend when had the kids. Back to the same.

As for doing things together with all of us when we have the boys, she is always asked. Wether it be something like watching a film, going the park, going a play place, playing at the house. I always ask her but it’s very very rare she does and has answered a couple of times with ‘i don’t want to do that so why should I’ and ‘they’re your kids so why should I’

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Itsjustabitofbanter · 30/08/2020 20:51

She sounds like a massive twat. You come as a package. Anyone who told me that they wanted me to stop seeing my kids a couple days a week would be out on their arse. I guarantee that if you stay with her she’ll end up fracturing the relationship between you and your kids when they get a bit older

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Whiskeylover45 · 30/08/2020 20:53

I'm sorry but if a woman gets with a man who has children, its not going to be the same carefree childfree relationship it would be with a man with no kids. She knew you had kids when you met, she knew your weekends were given over to them. She sits up in the bedroom when they are there? What message does that give to those two kids? That she dislikes them. They didnt ask for the home life to be split up nor only see their day three nights a week. Theyre children, shes an adult. She should know better. And I say all this as a step mum myself. Maybe as a starting point gake her out during the week and see if it gets better. If not you may have to reavaluate your relationship as it may not be what both of you need. You need a woman who joins your family, she wants a man who doesnt have responsibilities. Neither of you are wrong, but your not right for each other.
Plus your home is presumably the boys home. Should they feel like theyre not wanted because she sulks upstairs whenever they are here? This will also affect your relationships with them as they get older as theyll wonder why you went along with it.
But please if it doesnt get better don't force your kids through it.

For what it is worth you sound a great dad. And the right woman will support that because seeing the boys is important to you. Its two different priorities but one that you both need to be on the same page about.

Good luck

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Bobty123 · 30/08/2020 20:54

Abyssus - wrong. We always do quality things together for our weekend, and our time in the week. And as for the unit part, I mentioned it above, it’s her that doesn’t want to engage. And at time I have said to her that is completely fine, I understand with work all week and then kids can be exhausting (never mind twin boys! 😂) so I’ve said to her on plenty of occasions when she hasn’t wanted to join in that’s fine. But then an arguement will be brought up and she says she is just ignored when the boys are here, not involved. Which really annoys me as she is always asked but doesn’t want to.

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Itsjustabitofbanter · 30/08/2020 20:54

You’re only a part time dad op, and she’s already complaining about the time you spend with them. What would happen if the children’s mother became sick and you had to have them more days. Or even died and you had them permanently? Your children will be picking up on the fact that daddy’s girlfriend doesn’t like them. It’ll be so damaging to their self esteem being round someone that toxic who doesn’t want them there, plus their dad choosing to stay with her when she’s unpleasant to them

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MilleniumHallsWalledGarden · 30/08/2020 20:56

You're prioritising your relationship with your children which is the right thing to do. She is being unreasonable.

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TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 30/08/2020 20:56

She's in the wrong. Of course your dc should come first!

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ChooksAndBooks · 30/08/2020 20:56

Another vote here for your girlfriend is being hugely unreasonable. You sound like a great dad. I would move on from your girlfriend and find someone new. Can you imagine how messy this situation would be if you had a child with your gf...?

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Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2020 20:56

You really have to ask? Your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your children. She's a selfish twat. Why would you put up with this manipulation?

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Whiskeylover45 · 30/08/2020 20:57

Sorry just read your update. No shes wrong. Shes not even trying. Get rid, your kids have to come first here and their emotional wellbeing has to be put above her sulky twatisness. Im sorry but the next step will be she'll winge about maintance, and if you have kids togther shell push your two out. If I was with a man who acted like this when I had my child he'd be gone without a second thought. My step daughters older sister has a dad who isnt bothered and whos wife moans about supporting her in any way. She saw her dad for the first time in two years last week because of it. Its so sad especially as an adult she should know better. Best of luck OP. Really nice to see a dad being a good dad. Usually you read the opposite

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emilybrontescorsett · 30/08/2020 20:58

I agree with the majority. Our your boys first you will never get this time back. What happens when your dcs go to bed, does your dp come and sit with you then?

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Voice0fReason · 30/08/2020 20:59

She is
and your relationship is doomed.

When anyone enters a relationship with a person who has children, they must accept and embrace the relationship that they have with their children.
She will never do that. Resentment will increase and it will cause problems for you and your children.

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Sally2791 · 30/08/2020 21:03

Children always come first. If she can’t handle that- and she could join in- then perhaps you should reconsider your relationship

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