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Original poster

Who’s in the wrong?

59 replies

Bobty123 · 30/08/2020 20:19

I’ll try keep this as short as possible.

I have twin boys aged 8. I have them on weekends for 5 weekends then they’re with their mother for 1 weekend. I also have them Tuesday after work (3-7).

My partner (2.5years) is now kicking off as I’m not spending enough time with her and too much time with my kids. This has always been there in a small way but never nothing big until last couple months.

She doesn’t like that when my boys are here I do everything with them, play board games, play PS4/switch, arts and crafts, in the garden on trampoline, to the park, sit and watch (really annoying) youtubers... but my boys love it and it makes them happy so I really don’t care if it bores me.

I’m only having them over the weekend So I want to enjoy that time as much as I can because I know it will get to an age where they just wanna go out with their friends or have friends stay over at mums house, also my dad was never there when I was a kid so I never want my kids to fee how I felt.

But she’s not happy that I don’t sit with her, talk with her, watch tv with her. Bear in mind when it gets to the weekend she shuts herself out from us and sits upstairs most of the time, I always go up regularly see how she is, does she need anything, want anything if we’re going out. But apparently I do too much with them and not enough with her.

Am I in the wrong or is she?

OP posts:

safeordangerous · 31/08/2020 08:48

@Bobty123

I’ll try keep this as short as possible.

I have twin boys aged 8. I have them on weekends for 5 weekends then they’re with their mother for 1 weekend. I also have them Tuesday after work (3-7).

Am I in the wrong or is she?

Maybe covid is a big factor here but do you see this getting better. Whats her relationship like with kids as they may be more oblivious now but in the next few years it will become more apparent to them

DarkmilkAddict · 31/08/2020 08:57

Even at their age dsis and I knew our step mum didn’t want us. You sound like an excellent dad but you could be undermining their self esteem by exposing them to her (sorry to be blunt)

FifteenToes · 31/08/2020 12:23

Neither is in the wrong. You're just two people who want different things from your relationship.

From your POV, I've raised children and I know it's a relationship and responsibility that cannot be compromised. You have unconditional love for them and only one window of your life to show them it. There's no point pretending that that's something to be considered and traded as a pawn in the relationship, like how often you go down the pub or who does the washing up. It isn't.

At the same time, I can understand that someone coming into a relationship with someone in that situation could find it very difficult, and it could set off all kinds of personal insecurities. However there's nothing you can do about this, other than trying as best you can to include her and avoid the sense of either/or.

One thing I would say is that the complaint of "not spending enough time with her" is quite common in relationships even without the children factor, and not always rational or what it appears to be. It's quite possible you could put your kids up from adoption, resign from your job and spend 24 hours a day every day with her, and she'd still feel the same way. "Not spending enough time" is the words she uses, but what she really means is that she feels insecure and doesn't find that your support via the relationship takes that insecurity away, the way she wants and expected it to.

Im not saying that's your fault. It's worth bearing in mind that it can sometimes be a kind of "bottomless pit" which you can throw time, care, energy and resources into thinking you're addressing the problem, without it every really becoming any better. When people look to their relationships to complete them it puts a huge burden on the other partner, and the fact they are doing it in the first place can mean that a solution is fundamentally impossible (since the problem is not actually a personal one that no relationship could solve). At some point you'll have to decide where your line is, so you might as well do that now as any other time.

PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 12:29

Your children come first and any decent partner would understand that. No one forced her to date a man with children.

Get rid.

PerveenMistry · 31/08/2020 12:32

@disconnecteddrifter

I get how she feels as a step mum and a mum. Why cant you have them 50/50 3 or 4 nights a week and one weekend day? It must be horrible to have all weekend not being able to do things. When I was in my first marriage I used to get a babysitter also so have time. I also let me kids have free time in the day and spend time doing my own thing. Plus I invite friends over for lunch or dinner - can you do that? Have a more rounded family experience? How is this sole focus on the kids helping them to have give and take in wider situations?

Oh ffs.

He needs to focus fully on the children when he can, not fob them off on third parties in order to pander to a girlfriend.

disconnecteddrifter · 31/08/2020 22:27

So @PerveenMistry you've never gone out with friends or partner? You think that having more contact with his children is bad? You think that if anyone ever gets a babysitter they are fobbing their children off? What about if the grandparents take them out for lunch etc is that fobbing them off?

usernamewastaken · 01/09/2020 00:12

She doesn't want the 'step mother' role, and does all she can to avoid it. Maybe she doesn't want any 'mother' role. Not all women are maternal.

Did she move in with you, or you move in with her, or did you both ove into a new place together? If you with her; she might feel her home, once her own space, has been, for want of a better word, invaded. If her with you: maybe she feels in the way.

Could you alternate weekends? Or at least bring them down to 3 with them and then one weekend off? Whilst she will appreciate your relationship with your boys, she isn't their SM, so you also have to appreciate your relationship with your girlfriend for who she is, accept its her home too, and nurture that relationship without children there. And weekends are important for that; sleeping in late, walks, no work, etc.

You mentioned you had a step son from your previous relationship, does he stay over too? I ask because you're coming across like 'family is everything' (to many it is, to many it's not) and I think you expect the same from your partner. So it's safe to assume that as you're still close to your step son, you would expect your partner to be as close to ALL of your children.

Re the maintenance. Unless it seriously derails your joint finances and you can't contribute to the joint pot as much as she does, or it impedes your life, it's non of her business.

Hylyma1234 · 05/10/2020 09:10

She started a relationship with you knowing full well that you have children and they are a big responsibility, there is no denying that. The fact she doesn’t spend time with you and your children and shuts herself away would ring alarm bells for me. You’re with them two days of the week and you want to spend your time with them, which any good dad would do! I would have a chat with your partner and tell her your concerns and ask her if she wants to carry on the relationship.
Do you ever go for a walk together with the kids in tow, so that you get to spend time together with the kids but whilst you can still have a conversation whilst the children play? The only way to get past this is having an honest conversation with each other, communication is key.

Wrongdad · 27/10/2020 18:03

I could do with some opinions. First time don’t know if should start another or join apologies if it’s wrong. My wife and me have been having a shit time. A lot is down to me. My daughter is 13 and her mum took her Xbox and phone off her. She didn’t tell me why as we weren’t talking. I didn’t give them her back. A week later I asked if she would be getting her phone back for when she went back to school. She said it depends if her attitude changed towards her mum. So I sorted a phone as I wanted to know she would be safe and could contact me if there was a problem. Apparently I was wrong to do that. Since then her mum has said our daughter cannot stay in the house during the holiday. I pay for this house yet my daughter isn’t allowed to stay inside it while I go to work. My wife doesn’t work. My daughter is currently coming to work and sitting in the car on the car park from 7-5 every day as Covid means I can’t leave her anywhere. All while my is in our house. Is it me that is wrong

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