Who’s in the wrong?

[Bobty123]

I’ll try keep this as short as possible.

I have twin boys aged 8. I have them on weekends for 5 weekends then they’re with their mother for 1 weekend. I also have them Tuesday after work (3-7).

My partner (2.5years) is now kicking off as I’m not spending enough time with her and too much time with my kids. This has always been there in a small way but never nothing big until last couple months.

She doesn’t like that when my boys are here I do everything with them, play board games, play PS4/switch, arts and crafts, in the garden on trampoline, to the park, sit and watch (really annoying) youtubers... but my boys love it and it makes them happy so I really don’t care if it bores me.

I’m only having them over the weekend So I want to enjoy that time as much as I can because I know it will get to an age where they just wanna go out with their friends or have friends stay over at mums house, also my dad was never there when I was a kid so I never want my kids to fee how I felt.

But she’s not happy that I don’t sit with her, talk with her, watch tv with her. Bear in mind when it gets to the weekend she shuts herself out from us and sits upstairs most of the time, I always go up regularly see how she is, does she need anything, want anything if we’re going out. But apparently I do too much with them and not enough with her.

Am I in the wrong or is she?

Bluntly, your partner is expendable. Your children are not
Get shot of your girlfriend

Why did you move in together when she resents your children?

I’m a stepmum. It’s not easy. It’s not for everyone. It’s not compulsory.

This dynamic isn’t working so I’d end it.

Next time, make very sure you’re with someone who accepts and embraces your family before moving in together.

I agree you sound like a good dad but the situation isnt working for you both. You don’t seem to have anything good to say about your partner so I’m not sure what you are wanting people to say. FWIW though I think many women would struggle to keep connection in this set up and to have partner with these restrictions.

Thanks guys. Just to add to a few points made.

Time with her - as mentioned we do always try do stuff in the week, before COVID every week we were at the cinema and always out for meal at least once/twice a month. Not so much recently as obv with COVID and with the way she’s been. For the weekends I have the boys I always say to her, have given up over last couple months but, I always said to her when I was putting them to bed, pick a film or tv show, I’ll do drinks, we’ll watch something. She never would want to as she was tired so wanted to go to bed. Again, completely fine with me, but she would then bring up in an arguement that I never want to spend time with her when j have the boys.

She wasn’t like this at the start, was more active with the boys, being involved.

And don’t get me wrong, in no way are my boys angels ... they’re twin 8 yo boys 😂 they fight, moan, whine, cry... all stuff kids would do. So I do understand why to someone who doesn’t have kids, it would become annoying. But as a few have mentioned and I have to her also... she knew I had kids, regardless of anything, she knew.

She moans I pay my ex too much maintenance, I pay what’s required. I pay toward school clothes / shoes also which she’s not happy about as she thinks it’s bullshit and I give her enough.

This all kicked off again as I booked another week off of work to have them more before they go back to school as the net full week I would be having them is Xmas. She’s wasn’t happy and laughed at me because I said I wanted another week with them before they go back to school after I just had a week with them a month ago.

I’ve asked her the question multiple times, if I had my kids what would she do, she says it would be different if we had them full time. I don’t think it would.

I’ve asked her multiple times what if it were our kids? We would have them 24:7 (excluding little dates out) why should that be any different just because it would be our kid, but they’re my kids and you’re telling me I have too much time with them.

Always brings up how a court would arrange an alternate weekend schedule for time with them. Always tell her I will never do alternative weekends, j couldn’t feel like I was being a good dad seeing kids 26 weekends a year, no way.

As for sitting in the room and giving off bad vibes to the boys. Been brought up plenty of times as she will argue with me how she feels they don’t like her, they don’t talk to her, interact with her. And yes my kids are very very shy kids so it did take a while for them to open to her, but they did it in their own way. They would randomly make drawings for her, crafts for her, everytime we go past a Dunelm by ours they want to go buy her some flowers or a nice little ornament. But when I say to her you’re the adult the more you go and interact with them the more they will interact with you, her reply is why should I go to them, they should come to me first 👀

And also trust me I know how she feels with the feeling second behind the kids, with my boys mother she already had a kid when I got with her and I’m not going to lie I too had some feelings of feeling second to the kids. But I knew what I signed up to, I knew the kid would always be first so I accepted that, and I brought that kid up for 10 years as their dad didn’t give a shit. Even now after splitting with their mum I am always speaking with them on a weekly basis still.

And as for people saying don’t know why I asked the question... I don’t know either. I love this girl, I really do as when it’s just us, I’ve never enjoyed my time with anyone else as I do with her. But my kids are my kids and will always come first to me.

I guess I just didn’t know if maybe I was being unreasonable spending as much time as I could with them when I have them, not ignoring her at all, moreso her choosing not to be involved, and then having the nighttime for us but again she never wants that.

I don’t know. I guess I know deep down it’s done.

She might not want to be with a man who has children. But I guess she knew you had them when you got together. Maybe she was hoping you'd be a crappy part time dad? Either way she's wrong as you are putting your kids first and being a good dad. She could be involved if she wanted with activities at home and family days out but is choosing not to. I can't see how your relationship can have a future.

Also this kids are old enough to start noticing that she is disinterested and shits herself away. It could start to effect there self esteem. When they start wondering why they aren't good enough for her company? Sorry not a great situation but choose your kids.

I’m sorry but she sounds horrible. I had a step mum who wished dsis and I didn’t exist and it was very painful indeed

Just dump her, seriously why are you spending so much time worrying about this, she knew you had twin sons when you met, she made a conscious choice to date you (unless you concealed the truth) and now she is acting like a petulant child.

Yeah it's pretty shit on her part.

Is there any reason though you don't have the boys 50/50 meaning every second week for the whole week. That does help a lot of families with better routines for everyone.

YoBeaches - it’s not what I want. I don’t want to be a part time dad, for a couple reasons.
1, I don’t feel it’s right. I don’t see how any man on this earth can be happy and ok for having 50/50 weekends, I just don’t.
2, as a kid my dad was never there. Did nothing for us or with us, I was 11/12 yo playing the dad figure to my 2 younger siblings. So that has possibly made me how I am in not wanting them to be without a dad who actually cares for them and wants to actively be involved and play with them.
3, I’m not saying she is a bad mum but she’s not the best. I would have them full time if I could, I really would and then I would know they’re being raised in a correct way. Their mum lets them do anything get away with anything, if they want to do something like tidy toys and cry about it she will do it. Don’t really want to get into all that but yeah.

She moans I pay my ex too much maintenance, I pay what’s required. I pay toward school clothes / shoes also which she’s not happy about as she thinks it’s bullshit and I give her enough

Oh lord, that's so mean.

You also need to feel free to see and communicate with your former step-child.

These are important bonds with children. It means a lot to them and always will.

I think you’re right OP, it is done.

Laughing at you wanting a week with your sons is plain nasty.

Does she want her own children, is that something you’ve discussed?

Just FYI, asking how she’d feel if they were both yours is highly unproductive. They’re not. You know how you felt as a step dad. It’s completely different and only going to alienate someone who’s already feeling detached more. Not really relevant now as you’re going to split up, but I wouldn’t say that to someone new in future.

If you read the post from YoBeaches again, they’re suggesting 50/50 as in alternating full weeks and weekends. And if you don’t rate their mum and want them full time then starting with equal contact is clearly the way to go.

Just going by the info in your OP, you don't 'do everything with them', you just do the fun stuff. For five weekends out of six, plus one evening a week.

Who shops, cooks and clears up during these weekend-long fun sessions? Who makes up your sons' beds and washes their sheets?

Do you ever suggest things you could do together as a family that your partner might like as well? Cooking and sharing a meal? Going out together? Watching a film you all might enjoy?

Do you consider your partner to be part of your family?

I would not put up with this arrangement. I don't blame your partner for going upstairs and doing her own thing. What does she get out of this relationship?

There's nothing wrong with the amount of time you are spending with your sons but it sounds like lad time, not dad time. It's not about you squeezing every last drop of enjoyment out of your weekends with them before they turn into Kevin the teenager, it's about being a parent which most of the time is humdrum and boring.

Your sons are just getting to the age when they start asking very interesting questions and having quite deep conversations about their undersatanding of the world. Sharing everyday, boring activities with your kids is when the best conversations happen, so don't waste these years on gaming, youtube, trampolining or any other 'activity'.

Just live your lives together doing normal stuff and include your partner in your family.

If you don't think of your partner as part of your family you should let her know asap so she can make her own decisions.

@AnneLovesGilbert

If you read the post from YoBeaches again, they’re suggesting 50/50 as in alternating full weeks and weekends. And if you don’t rate their mum and want them full time then starting with equal contact is clearly the way to go.

Yes, they're suggesting every other week, for the whole seven days.

You kids are young now but they are I gotta to get older (obviously!) they are going to potentially get more annoying and they are going to get more aware of what’s happening. They might end up angry and confused as to why you’ve let this situation continue.

You need to really think about this. I’d consider dumping her.

Yes that's what I meant, 7 days each on weekly rotation. Even the holidays unless you agree something else to suit like 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off during the summer. Making sure Xmas rotates each year.

I think that would be a better arrangement for you. As for GF well she's either in or out. If she didn't want kids around she shouldn't have started dating you in the first place.

AnneLovesGilbert - I wasn’t asking her IF they where her kids. She was complaining about the amount of time I spend with my kids and not with her so I tried to get her to think of a situation of it being IF they were our kids would she still complain about me doing stuff with them and not her even though she’s been asked to become involved but chooses not to.

Don’t get why you’re making it out it’s ‘weekend long fun sessions’ it’s not like that. We each cook, I clean, the kids make up their beds and tidy all toys away, shopping we all do together if needed, if don’t have the kids me and my partner both do shopping together. So no. It’s nothing like I’m just having fun with the kids while leaving all chores for her. I’ve always considered her a pet of the family, I always ask her to watch films with us, I always ask does she want to come the park for a walk and to play with us, I always ask does she want to go days out with us, so again it’s not like she’s not being asked to be involved.

She actively chooses not to be involved because it’s activities that she doesn’t want to do. But it’s simple little things like watching a film, going to the park, playing a game...

You sound like a great dad.

Your partner needs to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have children as your children need to be your priority.

Are you trying to include her with spending time with your kids? My partner has his child only weekends, all weekends and if I'm honest I do find it a bit annoying that we literally can't do anything without the kids (I have kids too that happen to be with their dad weekends). But he always includes me, we do things all 3 of us. Equally he doesn't stop me going off and doing my own thing if I want.

Can you go out together? You can pay your partner attention while still spending time with your kids.

She's a actively choosing not to get involved in what sound like fairly, normal family activities and then complaining about the amount of time you spend with your DSs - if she was cheerfully using that time to spend on her own hobbies and interests that would be different but she sounds needy and demanding .... why exactly do you stay with someone who is so dismissive of the two most important people in you life?

You and your partner are incompatible. She wants to be front and centre, you are rightly prioritising your dc. You can't move forward in a relationship when your priorities are so different.

Doesn't really matter the rights and wrongs of it, the relationship will never work so end it.

I get how she feels as a step mum and a mum. Why cant you have them 50/50 3 or 4 nights a week and one weekend day? It must be horrible to have all weekend not being able to do things.
When I was in my first marriage I used to get a babysitter also so have time. I also let me kids have free time in the day and spend time doing my own thing. Plus I invite friends over for lunch or dinner - can you do that? Have a more rounded family experience? How is this sole focus on the kids helping them to have give and take in wider situations?