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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Sanctuary wanted!

65 replies

YATTA · 20/08/2007 22:42

I'll be brief.
Is there an active men's only forum around where I can talk relationships away from here.
DW reads Mumsnet regularly in case you hadn't guessed.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:12

My DW had some serious issues to work through because of the previous marriage she was in when i met her. I thought she would forget about it all with her new life but i was being rather naiive really.

Some years later and she was still suffering some of the anxieties that the bastard had forced upon her for years.

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:14

Any advice on getting round that firewall?
In the past I've been the one reluctant to talk openly about things, but now when I try, I get shut out. There is the issue that because of ongoing children occupation, most of our recent discussions have been about touchy subjects and I appreciate that just because I'm ready to talk about something doesn't mean she'll be in the same frame of mind, but when things go unresolved for days, weeks, months on end, they don't go away and they eat at us both.

OP posts:

GooseyLoosey · 21/08/2007 00:14

Agree with EricL. Think women are generally more prone to react defensively, particularly where there are self-esteem issues and deny that there is any fault on their part (I will admit to this). However, given a few days, I can usually see that dh has a point.

Have you thought about exchanging letters each setting out what you thing are the problems in your marriage and then discussing them say 2 days later. That way no defensive response from either side and hopefully you can start with reasoned debate.

It does sound like you have a relationship worth working on.

Desiderata · 21/08/2007 00:14

That must be tough, Eric.

Does dw's experience run back to childhood, or just to the man?

Desiderata · 21/08/2007 00:16

Yatta, do you have children and dw doesn't?

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:17

Thankfully - it was just that man. But i was very surprised how much of an effect one mean can have on a woman.

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:18

Mean = Man!

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:19

Definitely worth working on GL. I'm a bit reluctant to do a problem list. I think that would overload us both and feel like a bit of an assault. I'm not the best at putting thoughts down on paper and fear something would be misinterpretted or twisted (DW's party piece).

OP posts:

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:21

Yes - i know what you mean. A written list seems a little cold and absolute. There is a good chance that she will also keep it for kingdom come

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:21

Des, the children are ours. It goes without saying that not working at it would be letting them down.

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Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:23

Exactly, EricL.
I worry that the following day it would be quoted on Mumsnet as though I'd sent it like some sort of evil greeting card.

OP posts:

Desiderata · 21/08/2007 00:25

Well, YATTA, Eric, et al.

How difficult is life? I would like to leave you now to have your man's board. I hope you get some things sorted out without too much intervention. It shouldn't be a difficult thing to ask

Women can be tricky. And not always worth it in the long run. Just so for men.

You're individuals, regardless of gender.

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:28

A written version of how you feel about issues at the present time may not be how you feel about these things when the storm blows over - so i would be very cautious about this.

My DW wrote a list of insecurities she had a few years ago and she always asks about it and i say i haven't got it any longer even though i have it hidden safely away. I think it would open old wounds that we have worked through and resolved and contains some things that she would say were not relevant anymore - only things that she thought at the time - some of them we agreed were wrong and meant other things too.

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:31

Goodnight Des. See ya.

GooseyLoosey · 21/08/2007 00:33

Did it help at the time Eric?

EricL · 21/08/2007 00:44

Yes - it did. But i guess that is some of my point. At the time it helped her to express some things that were affecting her attitude towards me - but once we had worked through them it became a bit of a worry for her that she had expressed herself in an hour of emotional need and that it was written down as evidence.

She felt uncomfortable that this document existed after the fact - i guess the momnet had passed and the issues were dealt with and it was like a window into her most vulnerable moments that she didn't want to relive.

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:47

That's a good point about things which are damaging in relationships may diminish over time, but if someone keeps a written copy it's harder to lay to rest. I'd rather put down in writing all the great things about DW, I think it would be more constructive. The only barrier to that is my difficulty in expressing myself on paper. Feeble excuse, but very real.

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EricL · 21/08/2007 00:52

You seem more than capable of expressing yourself in writing Yatta!

I think you are trying to convince yourself that this is a bad idea - so maybe it is.

Trust your instincts is all i am saying.

All of us have different realtionships and partners to deal with - i am only giving you my own viewpoint and hopefully giving you something to chew on..........

GooseyLoosey · 21/08/2007 00:53

Yatta - in a perfect world, how do you see yourself resolving things with dw?

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 00:55

It's a lot easier on here. One typo and you can remove you post and start again. Relationships would be a lot shallower if all you had to do was Ctrl+Alt+Delete!

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EricL · 21/08/2007 00:59

That's a good point Yatta.

I wish i could open up the program manager on my DW and see what applications were running - wouldn't life be a lot easier?

(there certainly wouldn't be more than a few running on mine i can tell thee.... )

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 01:01

GL - Well this is another ongoing problem. We get little time together as it is. DDs' sleeping habits get in the way there, so any little things that bug us during the day, aren't put to bed during what should be 'our together time'.
I have suggested time and again that we work on DDs' sleep and believe this will allow us more time for each other. At the moment however, it is me doing all the hard work in this area and so again, it goes unresolved.

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EricL · 21/08/2007 01:02

Anyway - the work i was doing whilst posting here is nearly finished now so i will have to go shortly.

My wee one is starting nursery tmrw so i shouldn't be up this late really. Plus the later i stay up the more beer i am drinking - not a good idea!

It would be cool of you pop in and let us know how you are getting on with this mate.

EricL · 21/08/2007 01:04

Yes - i sgree with you on that one.

getting time together with just the two of you is of paramount importnace at the moment - so i wish you good luck on that one.

We both work hard to ensure that we have some quality alone time in the evenings - so i know it is worth it.

Original poster

YATTA · 21/08/2007 01:07

Thanks a lot for your input, especially this late.
Hope nursery is a hit with your little one.
I'll hopefully have more positive things to report in the near future. Although I've only had the chance to post because of DW storming off round her mum's!

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