50 / 50

[JamesBB]

Hi I am new to the forum and I am looking for some opinions from others, me and my ex split over 2 years ago we have a great 50 / 50 set up with my son ( I'm dad ) we never argue and we are both very flexible as he is the number one priority, he has now started school near to where she lives and my old town is around 50 minutes away so before he started school I sold my house and moved to about 15 minutes away from his school I am currently renting the house it is all sorted and he is settled.

All my family are in my old home town, sisters nephews etc all within a year of my son they had just started to get a really good relationship, they fight as boys do but they also loved playing together, at the weekends we do visit and they have visited us but it just does not feel the same we used to do so much with them'

So my question is did I do the right thing ?

I would do anything for my son and I want him to have the best life possible I feel that family and connections we had back home maybe more important, in the week after work by the time i get out and pick him up we get home for around 6:30pm so its near time for bed and back to school in the morning, I want him as settled as possible for school as with homework and school life its hard enough.

Currently I do Sunday to Wednesday and every other Saturday - I am wondering now if changing this to weekends would work better so pick up from school on Friday as I finish early and keep him until Monday morning dropping him at school if this was an option then I would move back to my old town. I have still to run this past his mum but I would like some views of anyone else on the issue, its quite hard to pick the right solution as not many people are in this situation, I know some don't mind seeing their kids every other weekend but for me I think this is not great if you can help it.

and lastly when he is not with me my friends are in the old town so it can be a little isolated, my commute has also gone from 50 minutes a day to 3 hours a day due to traffic in the location I can deal with this if he is going to be happier with me being closer.

thanks for all replies

As a mum, i wouldn't agree to this to be honest.

I don't think it is fair that she would only get tuesday afternoon to Friday Morning, and no weekends?

Each to their own though, she may well agree to it

I agree that it wouldn’t be fair for one parent (either parent) to have all the weekends whilst the other one does the weekday nights with homework bath and bed. If would perhaps feel quite tough on the weeknight parent doing all the ‘chores’ with none of the fun weekend stuff.

Don't forget that out of school activities, play dates, birthday parties, etc are likely to be near your son's school so you may still end up having to travel back and forwards if he isn't going to miss out on these opportunities.

It sounds like the fairer thing to do would be to have him attend school in the middle of where you both are, it doesn't seem fair that he's attending school convenient for his mum when you both have 50/50. As he's only 4 I'd definitely see if that can be worked on.

I think it would be very unfair for you to have all weekends and his mum to have weekdays. In our house weekends are much more fun! Your commute sounds hard but if it's manageable for you I think having both of you close to his school is best, even if it's a bit further away from his extended family.

If the school is an issue that is a red line, then I think you being closer and spending more time is more important than the extended family doing so. After all if you saw him less because of the commute, he would see them less too anyway?

It's a tough commute though, I would talk to your ex if you're on good terms (like you say you are) and explain the issue and see if 1. you can agree on a different school or 2. she has any ideas. If neither of those work at least she might be more willing to back any ideas you do have. Just be careful approaching the topic, don't accidentally blame her or something.

God no. I who'd never agree to only seeing my kids on weekdays. How is that fair?

In that set up the only person to gain here is you. You get a shorter commute, you have two school runs only including Friday, the best one of the week! You get to see him all weekend and therefore have all the quality time with him and days out etc and you get to live near your family.

For those suggesting the little boy changes schools. Really? This isn't his doing, he shouldn't be disrupted.

It also sounds as though you are currently the only parent that has him for a full weekend every other week. You have him every Sunday? Obviously his mother may be happy with this but of the two arrangements currently yours does seem the best.

If you've always done 50/50 who decided he would go to school where mum lives?

OhDavid he's a little boy who's out of the home for at least 10 hours a day and has barely any down time in the evenings because of his dad's ridiculous commute.

A change of schools at the age of four won't massively affect him. And it's the sensible thing to do.

agreed with Rubbing. Also it sounds like he's recently joined the school, so it's not like he's been there for years and made lots of friends only to be torn away. If it's something that might happen eventually anyway then it's better to at least discuss it earlier rather than later.

@RubbingHimSourly from what OP has said this is only on Monday and Tuesdays at the moment. And he's in childcare after school, not stuck in a car.

Those suggesting he moved to a school halfway would mean he has a 1.5 hour journey to either parents home every day of the week! And the OPs suggestion means he never sees his mum at weekends

But if they've had 50/50 care why does he go to school where his mum lives? Straight away that works against dad doesn't it? He's now had to move home and increase his commute massively which is impacting on his relationship with his son. Clearly something needs to change and a balance needs to be worked out again.