Frustrated Dad

[Frustratedguy]

Hi All, seeking advice from fellow dads who find themselves in a similar (or relatable) situation.

Been married 12 years, with two young daughters (9 and 4).

Married life has generally been very good, the issues I have are around my wife’s lack of sex drive. When she was pregnant with our eldest, we didn’t have sex for over 12 months, with our second it was 15 months.

We can go 2 months without sex now, but generally it’s once a month and that’s your lot... she enjoys sex when we do have it, by her own admission, it’s just that she no longer desires it.

This could be down to medication she’s on for a long-standing condition.

We’ve talked about it, but we've always ended up back in the same place.

She also isn’t very adventurous in the bedroom, and as much as I’ve tried to encourage her and guide her she won’t try anything...

I love her dearly, but it’s affecting my mental health and I’m just at a loss as to what to do about it.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thanks

Have an affair. Or visit a lady of the night.

seriously, talk to her again and show her this. Or divorce and good luck finding adventurous high libido sex on tab fwbs.

I have gone off sex /low sex drive /enjoy it when I get going and for me personally it's weight gain!! Dh isn't bothered what I weigh but I am!! Joined a gym but struggle to find time to go.
Some dm's struggle to swop from dm mode to sexy dw ime also!!
Most people will say libido starts in any room but the bedroom - as in a dh who helps with chores +dc is usually on to a winner!!

If you've talked and no result then its ultimatum time, though really its time to move on. Dont see prostitutes or have an affair just move on.

Maybe you're doing something that's pissing her off/making her resentful and she's not finding you attractive? Is she tired? Is childcare/housework evenly shared?

Perhaps consider this before you start blaming her for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom.

And don't take advice from someone whose username is "singletomingle"

I on't wish to be rude, but there is an accusatory tone to your post (which I'm sure you don't intend) which may be coming across to her. She enjoys it "by her own admission", she won't try to be more adventurous etc.

If she doesn't like the things you consider "adventurous", then she doesn't need to accommodate them. She doesn't like them. That should be the end of it. If she feels you are pestering or guilt-tripping her, she will withdraw.

I'm single because I've been there tried everything talked, did housework, tried cuddling and massages anything and everything you could suggest. My mental health suffered too eventually she left me and now I'm happier than I've been in a long time. I spend quality time with my children, I am able to spend time doing things I want and I'm able to spend time with friends. If it's not working and you've talked and tried the obvious get out.

What do you mean by "be more adventurous"? The thing is that if her lack of libido is down to medication for a long standing health condition, there's little she can do about that. I'm sure you wouldn't want her to stop taking medication she needs to ensure you get to have sex more? Talk to her. Don't pressure or emotionally blackmail, just explain what would make you happier in the relationship. Be prepared to either accept the status quo or leave if she can't or won't change the situation

Wow, you "tried" talking, cuddling and even housework to get sex out of your partner. I can't imagine why it didn't work.

I'm a woman with a long standing medical condition, I take very strong medication..morphine, diazepam..the list goes on..

DH and I had a fab sex life pre children, but now we have a three year old and 8 month old..I'm ill a lot. On the rare occasion I do feel a bit better, DH and I make sure all our energy goes into doing something with the children..this means I then will have to spend three days in bed in agony. We decided to have children so they will ways come first. So doing something with them is far more important to us, than us having sex!

We hardly ever have sex, but he understands completely the reasons why. It isn't because I don't love him or want to. It's because I am physically and mentally drained being on medication, being in pain and focusing on what I should be our children!

When the children go to school on good days things will change.

It sounds like she has had these health issues a long time. If you can't be patient, loving and just respect that she isnt well..then it's at an end.

I would try having one more conversation with her. If nothing changes within a reasonable time frame then I would end it and explain why. You can love her as a friend and Co parent amicably, but if you are not sexually compatible anymore then it's better you go your separate ways.

Good luck.

I think you have to talk to her openly and honestly and overcome them. Whilst healthy sex life is important there are other important elements of marriage and family life that you would sacrifice for yourself and your children if you left.

Also, think about the situation if it was reversed, how would you feel and what would you expect from your wife.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. As it happens we have had several long conversations over the past week, we both feel in a much better place.

I’ve shown her my original post and the first few comments back, these latter comments are also very useful too.

Hopefully our marriage will continue to grow now that we have a better understanding of each other’s needs.

Thanks

Let us know how you go. I'm in a similar situation though youngest only 3 and no medication. I have been hoping libido would return after cessation of breastfeeding etc. but now seems unlikely!

I was recently in the same situation, my wife had absolutely no interest in sex at all and it was really getting me down. I was then feeling guilty for being selfish but at the end of the day we deserve to be happy too. I tried all sorts to improve things but I have to say in the end it was something she had to do herself.

She suffers from what I would probably call a mild depression, she used to take medication but came off it some time ago and she has since taken up sewing to give herself something to do. It literally takes up her whole evenings and we rarely spend any time together, however her happiness levels have improved dramatically and she is mostly very positive about everything now. it's made a hell of a difference to our sex life and our relationship has improved a lot.

So I would say there's probably an underlying issue that's affecting her general happiness that she needs to figure out, maybe with a little help from you?