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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Help me get my dh's perspective so I can understand him, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 replies

VickyLou · 01/06/2007 16:50

Hi All dads and dads to be,

How scary was/is it for all you guys out there when your dw or dp are/were pregnant with your first child. He suggested trying for a baby and now that I am pregnant he doesn't seem to want to know. Is he scared? Is there anything I can do to get him to open up. He doesn't like me takling about the baby or the pregnancy, it's like if he doesn't talk about it its not really there.

What is going on in him mind.

Please help.

OP posts:

ShrinkingViolet · 01/06/2007 16:53

DH was a nightmare all three times - hugely uninterested. When I finally lost it with him while pregnant with DD3, he explained that until the baby was actually there, it wasn't real to him, unlike me. So we came to a compromise - he would pretend to be interested, if I didn't go on too much, and accepted that it didn't mean he didn't care.

Original poster

VickyLou · 01/06/2007 16:54

I dont talk about the pregnancy at all to him now, dont know if he cares or is just scared.

OP posts:

imaginaryfriend · 01/06/2007 16:56

My dp was totally the opposite, he was completely into the whole business - he bought (and read!) various books, lectured me on my diet, made me do all the things I was supposed to and slightly drove me up the wall. Then when dd was born his interest tailed off completely! I think in that first year he got up with her in the morning so I could sleep in about once. He's good again now though she's a bit bigger (4.5) and can talk and boss him around.

imaginaryfriend · 01/06/2007 16:58

I think although it's a cliche it's true to say that men handle the responsibility of a child differently. Dp wasn't bothered when it was 'abstract' i.e. me pregnant, but when the reality hit he floundered a bit. Maybe yours is avoiding thinking about the changes it's going to mean? Is your relationship otherwise good?

Original poster

VickyLou · 01/06/2007 16:58

I think that Dh will be so much better when our child is toddling he relates to kids at that aga, prob cos he is a big kid himself, and I mean it in a nice way. LOL

OP posts:

imaginaryfriend · 01/06/2007 16:59

I think all blokes do. Some time after the child is 18 months dads seem to come into their own. They all vary of course but just from what I've seen.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 01/06/2007 17:03

My DP has said he found it all very abstract, until the actual birth when it hit him like a brick.

Lolly68 · 01/06/2007 17:14

My DP was 40 when we had DD. She is now 16months and he is only just getting use to it...! He showed no interest when I was pregnant and at the scans he never really got excited which I found quite odd. He said that until the baby was in front of him he couldnt show no emotion.

HonoriaGlossop · 01/06/2007 18:21

Well I can sympathise with your dh, I felt very similar and I was the one who was pregnant! It seemed very abstract to me (until I became huge and it was unavoidably real) and though I was interested in the scans etc I wasn't really excited. I had no burning desire to learn about caring for a baby....I organised 'practical babycare' classes for us but didn't go

When ds arrived I was hit by a ton of bricks with love for him, was utterly and completely absorbed by him and felt he was the love of my life. I'm sure this happens to lots of men too, though of course without the maternal hormones it could even take a bit longer....but I'm sure your dh will get there. Maybe he just can't think about the reality of a baby yet but he will have to soon! So long as he is showing you a bit of consideration for being pregnant then I'd cut him loads of slack personally....

TheExpectantFather · 02/06/2007 09:33

I found it quite difficult to relate to how my wife was feeling during the early stages of pregnancy. She didn't look any different and apart from being a little bit more tired than usual, she didn't behave any differently.

When she started showing the penny dropped. When I felt the baby moving inside of her for the first time it all became very real indeed.

Early on, it wasn't that I wasn't excited about being a father or that I didn't want to talk about being a father it was that it was just something that was going to happen in 7 or 8 months.

You might find that as your pregnancy develops he becomes more interested and involved.

Ian
The Expectant Father

DrDaddy · 02/06/2007 10:16

I found that most of my male friends were in denial when expecting their first child, myself included to some extent; it's very difficult to conceive (no pun intended) what it will be like as three of you. I'm sure he's scared. I was. Broach the subject gently, but definitely talk about it. Ask him what he's scared of. Or perhaps get him to post on here and we can chat to him.....We'll try not to worry him even more. Promise.

Original poster

VickyLou · 04/06/2007 12:31

Thank you all so much for all of your advice and letting me in to your own situations.
I would love him to open up to me and tell me what is the matter but my DH has never really been the opening up type iyswim.

He seems to have been a little better this weekend and it didn't seem like a subject that I should steer clear of.

Honoriaglossop ~ I think your right maybe at the mo its more of a big thing for me than it is for him. He does loads around the house, in fact he has taken up most of the household chores, so I am very very gratefull for that. I just got myself in a bit of a tizz cos I thought he didn't want the baby anymore.
I think maybe as I get bigger he will be more open, or so I hope.

Thank you all again.
XX

OP posts:

EricL · 05/06/2007 10:46

What i went through when my missus was pregnant was a feeling of helplesness and detachment (of sorts). I was with her all the way of course and was really excited and positive and helpful with as much as i could - but there was still this feeling that the woman is more 'connected' to the whole thing in a physical and emotional sense.

Before the actual pregnancy we were on equal footings and obviously the decision and act of getting pregnant involves both sides in equal measures too. All that seems to change after the event though.
She would chat to her female pals about it all the time and go to classes/check-ups by herself, all with women.
I wanted to go to these pre-natal things with her so i would be involved as much as i could too - but i was basically told not to by the clinic because 'it would make all the women uncomfortable to have a man there and we would have to seek all of their individual permission beforehand'.
I didn't want to feel like a complete freak and make everyone uncomfortable just to make a point - but this still annoys me that the system seems to consider a man as a side-line rather than an important cog.

All this fades of course when the baby arrives and the balance is restored because you can actually 'do' stuff with the wife and help as much as poss, and you feel like you are there to give her the solid emotional support also because of the raw emotions displayed with the feelings of tiredness/exhaustion/medical issues/vulnerability that comes post-birth.

I managed pretty well both times (first was worse obviously) and supported her the best i could, but maybe these are the kind of things your man is struggling with.

Apologies for the length of this - but i haven't talked about this before. Everyone is different remember, and these are just my feelings on this!

Original poster

VickyLou · 06/06/2007 12:45

Hi ericl,
Thank you for that, my Dh comes to all my mw and ante natal appoinments with me as I have aksed him too, he did say that he would like to be involved all the way. I hope that he can come to the classes with me as I wouldn't want to do it without him.

It's just lately that I have been feeling a bit put out as he doesn't want to hear about the baby or the pregnancy, it was a couple of weeks ago and we had just had tea and I said something re the baby and he said he didn't want to hear anymore about it. So from then I have just shut up. And not spoke about anything re baby or pregnancy. I was/am worried that he had changed his mind, even though it is something we both disscused and decided to do.

Thank you for your persepctive, he did seem a bit happier over the weekend, so I am wondering if it was just a blip.

OP posts:

potoroo · 06/06/2007 13:33

My DH was just as ExpectantDad described. He was excited about me getting pregnant, then... nothing for ages.

I think he is also a 'worst case' scenario person - he didn't want to get 'attached' until the baby was born, but he got more interested towards the end. DS is the light of his life and he is a brilliant father (and husband).

Interestingly, he is more excited about my 2nd pregnancy - more than I am (I don't have time to think about it) - I guess because he knows what to expect.

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