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Original poster

Advice please...

28 replies

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 14:17

I found out my wife was having an affair and she moved out about 4 months ago leaving 2 children(18,13) with me at the marital home. She has taken up with OM and only sees the kids for about an hour a week. My issue is since she moved out she hasn't contributed a penny to household bills, mortgage or the children. She has been keeping the child benefit because she says she needs it but she doesn't have the kids. She also said that she can't afford to take the kids on holiday or give them money towards their holiday but she is away with OM. She is also asking me for money to help her get her own place so she can have the kids.. What would you guys do in my situation... By the way she works full time.... I know if it was the other way round I would have to pay my way or I would be called all the b's under the sun

OP posts:

anotherangel2 · 27/07/2018 14:21

I am a women so hope you don’t mind the reply but this appeared in active.

If she has gone and left the kids of course you should be claiming child maintenance and child benefit. It might be worth asking for advice on the relationship board about how to make that happen.

Original poster

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 14:26

Thank you for the reply... I thought so but I didn't know if I was being unreasonable... But at the end of the day I didn't do anything wrong and I just don't want the kids to suffer any more than they already have

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 27/07/2018 14:46

Same as above poster.

Firstly, this can’t be easy for you so wanted to wish you all the best.

Your wife has left you and the kids. Child benefit needs to go to you (you’re looking after the kids). Get that changed. Sorry, she doesn’t need child benefit - it’s for the kids, not her.

You need to get child maintenance from her. Open a CMS claim ASAP (its only back dated to the date of the claim). The children live with you, she should be contributing. If this was the other way round and a man had left and wasn’t paying anything people would be up in arms. No different here.

You don’t have to give her money. She’s made her bed, let her lie in it.

anotherangel2 · 27/07/2018 14:50

Yes she is the one in the wrong but won’t have any bearing on who needs to pay for the children. You maybe surprised by how little your entitled to though.

OrgyOfBarminess · 27/07/2018 14:54

I'm so sorry op,

As others have said above you need to contact CMS and have the child benefit changed over into your name as you are the resident parent. I'd also see if you can claim for any other benefits such as council tax reduction, and possibly universal credits unless you are already claiming for tax credits, if they are in just her name and are paid to her that need rectifying and will be backdated.

Have you spoken to citizens advice as they are really good at helping with the above and a good place to start with organising a contact plan.

Hope this helps x

OrgyOfBarminess · 27/07/2018 14:55

Oh and don't bloody help her she is not your priority your kids are. The cheek of the woman 😡

Original poster

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 15:03

Thank you both for your replies... I will need to sort out the child benefit ASAP and I had read it doesn't matter who is in the wrong but it gets me down to think she is swanning about without a care and me and the kids are suffering.. When she does see them she puts on the wounded act but that doesn't last long and she is away again

OP posts:

Original poster

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 15:07

Sorry orgy missed you out... Was constructing message when you replied... I have contacted council tax who have said that because she will not provide letter stating she has moved out then I am still liable for full Council tax... With reference to tax credits I don't think I am entitled to anything because I am self employed and luckily doing ok

OP posts:

OrgyOfBarminess · 27/07/2018 15:10

How is she when contact is taking place? She needs to understand her kids are going to be affected by her leaving but she need to be positive even when they're not. She needs to step up and put on a brave face for them.

Are you comfortable with the children spending time with her away from the home at this time?

billybagpuss · 27/07/2018 15:12

The sentence that jumped out at me is 'she is asking me for money to get her own place so she could have the kids'

I think these days the 'court always favours the mum' doesn't necessarily hold true they will go with the best interests of the child so it sounds like you need to be prepared for a custody battle. Keep records of everything, how much time she's spent with them since, how much she's contributed. How old are the kids?

Yes you do need to sort out child benefit if she doesn't have the children she does not qualify for it.

OhHolyJesus · 27/07/2018 15:13

So sorry OP, what a horrible situation. As PPs state, you need to sort this out, get some legal advice and do not give her any £. I would go so far as to look at your joint accounts and assets now as this sounds final and your relationship will end in divorce. She will need to get a job if she doesn't have one already to provide for her children, just the same if it was the other way around. Focus on yourself and your children and not what she is or isn't doing. Get legal advice pronto. Good luck!

Original poster

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 15:26

Thank you for your replies... They are basically tell g what I was thinking.. But probably needed an outsiders advice so make me see sense... I know for a fact that she is out at cocktail bars ,dining out and so on while pleading poverty and neglecting her kids... The kids are 18 and 13...i appreciate the 18y/o is technically an adult but they still live at home and need fed and a roof over their head.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1485776181 · 27/07/2018 15:28

Ohholyjesus.. She has a full time job and the CHB but this doesn't seem to be enough... And she still asks for more🤔

OP posts:

AtreidesFreeWoman · 27/07/2018 15:48

You need to see a solicitor ASAP.

Don't muck about.

She's left you and the kids and your job now is to protect them against her (from what you've posted, selfish and irresponsible behaviour).

Original poster

user1485776181 · 30/07/2018 06:20

Hi guys... I have been to see a solicitor who has told me that she can claim spousal maintenance from me to help her manage and that also she doesn't need to contribute towards the bills and house because she isn't really benefitting from the house at the moment. I am literally at my wits end and don't know which way to turn because even though she is in the wrong, adultery, abandoning children and home the law still seems to be on her side..... Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 30/07/2018 06:27

Get this moved over to relationships, and get a better lawyer!

Coyoacan · 30/07/2018 06:43

I understand your hurt and anger, OP, but legally this it will be looked at as dividing the assets and safeguarding the 13-year-old's interests.

So, if your wife was a SAHM all these years, she may be entitled to spousal maintenance, though that is far from the norm nowadays. If you own your house, it may have to be sold, though there is the possibility that you would be able to keep in until your youngest is 18.

You probably need a better solicitor to fight your corner.

billybagpuss · 30/07/2018 06:52

Do you earn significantly more than her? I’m still more concerned that she is wanting the children to live with her. Do her a second opinion from a different solicitor.

Original poster

user1485776181 · 30/07/2018 07:20

Yes I do earn significantly more that her but she works full time. As far as I'm led to believe she is renting a 1 bedroom flat, if so how is she realistically going to look after the children.

OP posts:

SuperHandbagWomen · 30/07/2018 07:34

I think her behaviour is unacceptable but I would also be interested to know how old this lady is and if her behaviour is totally out of character?
Equally importantly....,do you still love her ? Money is important but what happens now effects how the future presents itself and what options you will have to make good. Do you have any desire to patch things up? Or do you just want to move on? I think it’s important to know how you feel about the relationship before you start to deal with the financial issues. Is it possible she is having a bit of s mid life crisis or suffering with the menopause or depression? Has she been a good mum up until now?

Kidssendingmenuts · 30/07/2018 07:36

You should be getting the child benefit, and definitely open a csa claim to make sure she pays for the kids. Regarding the mortgage and bills I think you need legal advice for that ideally. But don't doubt yourself, you need to be strong and get things sorted. Don't struggle because she is living the life of Riley!

billybagpuss · 30/07/2018 07:38

It was just in your opening post where you said she wants more money to get her own place to have the kids. I trying to think of it from her angle for you.

If she came on here and said, 'I had to leave my DH, I couldn't take the kids with me, he earns way more than me etc etc... The advise would be, see a solicitor, you'll be entitled to this, he'll have to pay you that etc.
Then there will also be the issue of did she give up work to look after the kids when they were younger ie contributing to your career etc.

You do need a really good solicitor as whilst the courts will consider it solely from whats best for the kids there are still a lot of variables here.

Kidssendingmenuts · 30/07/2018 07:38

Also because your self employed doesn't mean your not entitled to tax credits. I'm self employed and get them, as long as you can prove your self employed and your accounts are up to date you'll be fine! Everything is worth a shot. Have a look on the benefits website calculator and it can tell you if your entitled. X

Kidssendingmenuts · 30/07/2018 07:39

And tell her to stick the request of money up her arse. She chose to go so she can stand on her own two feet! X

Original poster

user1485776181 · 30/07/2018 07:59

I have tried begging her to come back at the start.. Told her I would draw a line under everything, go to marriage guidance etc but it falls on deaf ears.. Also found out she cheated another couple of times last year as well but was willing to work at things.. Most of you will say I'm better off out.. Which I now agree with.. But at the time I would have done anything to keep our famy together... I appreciate all your advice and I know what I need to do for the best

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