New Relationship

[NewHere2018]

Divorced Dad meets new woman and things started well however the amount of dates/evenings shared in front of the tv is becoming equal in number to the amount of dates/evenings cancelled by said woman. We both have children from previous relationships and so as you can imagine organising a child free evening can take some planning. I have no problem with coming second to her children in her list of priorities however I seem to fall down the list behind work and her other friends. I guess what I want to know is am I out of order to be frustrated/concerned by this or is this the norm for a newish relationship (8 months in)? Thanks

You’re not out of order for feeling frustrated with sofa nights, but maybe you both have different ideas on what you expect from date nights. It is possible you are both slipping into a comfortable stage, where the need to go out isn’t as strong anymore.
Is it possible she is short of cash and can’t afford to go out all the time?

Sorry I didn’t make myself clear I’m happy to have a night on the sofa together but the plans get cancelled all together so we spend the night apart completely I’m happy to have a date night in on the sofa and just spend some time together

I think you are being a little unreasonable to expect to come ahead of work in her priorities. Work is not something she is choosing to do for fun. it is essential for her income.

I do think you are justified to feel a little frustrated perhaps at persistently coming further down the list than everything though. I'm not sure you are so justified to be concerned, it all depends on much more detail about how things are structured in her life.

How much time does she have without the kids on a regular basis? If it is only every other weekend then bear in mind that gives her 2 days each fortnight in which to fit ALL her social life. Generally people would never advocate putting a new relationship before your existing friends because you will always need your friends around.

On the flip side if she has an exact 50/50 set up with the children's father and has 3 nights one week, 4 nights the next. Then I would personally expect 8 months in at least 1 evening per week to be given over to me alone. with perhaps other nights doing things inclusive of kids/other friends.

Thanks Soup my main issue with work is that we will have arranged an evening together to have it cancelled last minute for a work thing that has cropped up last minute. I understand that this can happen every now and then. You make some good points though about being only a part of her social life

Smeaton- no ive not mentioned it to her yet wanted some independent advice first to see if I was being unreasonable 😂

What are her excuses for cancelling?
If you’re being cancelled a lot because she’s seeing friends instead then I would probably be pissed off too. But I suspect trying to date/see friends/ Work & kids is just difficult to all squeeze in 1 week.

She could be trying to see you less so you break up with her. But without speaking to her about this you’ll never know.
Maybe time to have ‘the talk’

Excuses are normally at short notice and vary from work to being double booked to having friends in crisis I get a week isn’t a long time to squeeze everyone in. I suspect you might be right and ‘the talk’.

I would definitely speak to her about it, but be sure to handle it carefully.

If it's all genuine and she doesn't have much room to move things around then you don't want to spoil things. I would just say that you feel that after 8 months you wouldlike to be seeing her more but you feel like you're seeing her less. Maybe offer if there is anything you can help her out with that might mean you get to spend more time with her (although it may not be specifically date scenarios).

I think for me after 8 months I would be starting to expect to become gradually more involved in the other aspects of her life too. Maybe suggest that you put a date in the diary for the two of you to host some of her other friends for dinner?

Also, sometimes when I find that everything is a bit much, I tend to let down the people I care about most more than others because those are the ones that I feel comfortable with and feel secure that they won't judge or be hurt, and that they will understand. Perhaps this is also a factor.

Essential I'd have a chat with her, but there could be so many aspects of this that I wouldn't suggest ending it all right away. Good luck.

Thanks Soup it’s mt first relationship following the divorce and I knew there would be challenges guess after 8 months I’d hoped we might be a bit further down the line but I guess life doesn’t work like that. Thanks for all the advice I guess a carefully constructed chat is the way forward

There could be a number of reasons why you’re the one being dropped. A single woman has more time on her hands to put in that extra effort at work, she could’ve been the one that was always available to do the last minute tasks/meetings. And maybe she feels if she starts saying no it would look bad for her reputation? Again with the friendship crises, usually a woman’s friends have helped nurse her after a break up, especially if the friend is single too, you fall into the pattern of replacing ‘couples time’ with your friends.
It can be hard to break when you get in a new relationship as you don’t want to hurt your friend who has been there for you when things were difficult and you want to repay the time/support they gave you.
Either way there’s nothing wrong with feeling frustrated about being bottom of the heap,
Good luck with the talk

Thanks Washing. Some good points it’s a bit of a new world to me!

Wishing you the best of luck