Have pushed wife away for years

[caringdad1]

I have woken up to what I am and now I feel guilty. I worry she is with me just because of children.

I really do love her and want to make things better but how can you make up for years of selfishness?

Actions speak louder than words, how are things bad at the moment?

Talk to her.
Start with lots of small steps.
Expect it to take a long time.

She's hung in with you this long, you might not be able to "make up for it" but you can certainly make her life happier going forward.

Talk to her.

No specific selfishness but relentless over the years. She is a saint to me and our 3 children and various pets but I'm struggling and trying too hard to fix a problem which she appears to have ignored.

I am probably over thinking the whole thing but I want to make it better for her because she deserves it. Maybe a mid life crisis at 51years.

We are off on holiday next week and I want to make it special for her rather than a drag

Thanks Scarlett, very useful advice

Sent a few romantic texts today which I got a really positive response from, so thanks for the advice.

Making her favorite meal tonight and have downloaded her favorite film. Large G&T waiting for her as she walks through the door. Kids bathed and in bed by 8.30 and time for her to unwind after a stressful week.

Don't want her to think I am being nice because I have something to hide as I haven't apart from my worries. Need to strike the correct balance

Organise all the meals and clothes for the children when you are on holiday. She will love you.

Start with a heartfelt apology or she might be suspicious of your motives, I would be 😳
And don't expect things to suddenly be hunky dory, you've got a heck of a lot of making up to do, even if she does accept that you've suddenly seen the light.
Good luck.

Have you told her your realisation? Tell her. Don't hide it, then there's nothing to question.

Recognition of your shortcomings, and what you've witnessed from her. And why you appreciate her. And what is going to change.

And then stick to what will change.

Apart from upping the romance, what do you think you can change? Does she want or need practical help? A break from drudgery? Time together? The opportunity to do something just for her? I'm not suggesting a spa or new jewellery, I mean the big things in life. Is there a career she never had a chance to try? A training course she wants? The opportunity and time to climb Everett? Learn to make felt art? Who knows. But something that's all hers.

And are you OK?

A lovely message Vivienne, thank you. Particularly useful advice as well may I add.

I'm all good actually, nice to be asked.

Give her time to respond to the new you, too. She may have detached from you herself over the years and a bit distrustful. Expect to have to prove that you are now different.

Ask her how you can help around the house and children. She will probably like to get the cleaning and changing beds together and so on.

Be patient. Keep doing it.

My ex partner done this. It was great for a few weeks but felt very 'false' when he started being over the top nice to me but I thought I will just play along and we got on great. It was nice but sad to say after a few weeks he reverted to type. He admitted he felt guilty and wondered why I hadn't found someone else so he knew the way he was treating me was wrong and wondered why I accepted it. I think someone said something to him which rung true which kick started him being nice.

Zombie thread should have looked

Allow time for her being angry with you too. Because she might have the perfectly reasonable reaction that you could have been good to her like this all the time and times of transition can show issues sharply