Such a mess.....

[NormalGuy]

Got a text from a girl in my work out the blue at the weekend which was completely innocent in nature. There is nothing going on between us, I have never found her attractive, she's nice to have a chat to in work time but never think of contacting her outside of work.

My problem is that I knew my partner wouldn't like me having another woman's number in my phone and when the text came through she was sitting next to me in the livingroom and saw the name. I must admit I was taken aback that she had contacted me over the weekend but also was a bit concerned as I knew my partner wouldn't be happy. I instantly put the phone away as opposed to doing what I thought and saying "wonder why she is texting me."

Since Saturday (when it happened) it has been a nightmare. Because of me acting suspicious it has aroused my partners suspicions and she is now convinced that there is something more to it, which there is not. I have tried to speak to her, re assure her but she said that she still isn't happy and has threatened to contact the girl from my work via social media.

I am happily married and have a lovely daughter, have no intention of cheating or being involed in sending messages to anyone that may be flirting and the girl in my office is in a LTR with a live in partner and I don't find her attractive.

It seems I am guilty and that's it, we have spoken for around 10-15 minutes over the past few days and it is obvious that things aren't right.

Because I have done nothing I can't deviate away from not knowing why i received the message, although I suspect it was a group text as it wasn't aimed particularly at me. I also can't deviate away from the fact nothing is in it, because there's not.

Can anyone offer any advice please? I am feeling quite emotional today as have all these things running through my mind that we are going to split up and that's not what I want as I only want her.

I'm a fairly simple character. We both have active social lives, I also work, go to the gym and go home to my family. Similar to her.

sad

Bloody hell, you're not allowed another woman's number in your phone?
I'm not sure what to say. I have every sympathy for you and hope it all works out well. Don't feel guilty you've really done nothing wrong.

what did the text actually say?
why did you know how your partner would react- is there history behind this- either in terms her jealousy or becasue of any text relationships?

I would find it a bit odd if DP hid his phone but nothing more- but i wouldn't be concerned in any case about him getting messages from women

A couple of year ago the girl would send me messages via social media, not anything flirty, just general things. Wife saw them and said she wasn't comfortable with them, which was fair enough and I wasn't bothered in calming that down. Hence why I kinda knew that, even although I have her number as she's a work colleague, it wouldn't go down well.

The text read a time in which she done a race at the weekend, hence why I thought it was a group text to all in her phone.

I have no text relationships with any other females as I'm not that interested in that kind of things, sure I text my mates etc. but that's about it. I actually wouldn't say this was a 'text relationship' either as if I've ever text her before or she has text me it has been work related.

Have you said all this to your partner?
I understand that she must have been suspicious when you hid your phone, but you only did that because she's put you in such an awful position that you immediately feel guilty when receiving a group text from a work colleague. Does your partner realise the position she's put you in?

I've spoken to her and told her all this. I have reassured her that this is the truth and that I don't want anyone else aside from her and our daughter.

Yeah, in hindsight I can understand the suspicion but agree that it's because as soon as I saw the text I suppose I just thought 'oh no'.....

Her threat to contact her is and it isn't worrying me. It isn't because I know that what I say is the truth but it is because the girl will be horrified and it will lead to real awkwardness in work.

I suppose if I am guilty of anything is by being friendly towards the girl. When we meet or if we have email correspondence it's always about work but maybe with a "did you have a nice weekend?" or "I'm making XX for dinner tonight" or whatever dropped in

Contacting the girl would be awful because she may feel really bad, like she's caused trouble in your relationship, and yes may cause awkwardness at work. Also, without wanting to be too mean, you will not come off very well. At best she will just think you're under the thumb, at worst she tells others at work about it and you're known as the bloke with the "crazy mrs", which isn't good for anyone.
For what it's worth, your partner's behaviour isn't normal, at all. Does she recognise that she's controlling and untrusting, or does she think it's perfectly normal behaviour from her part?

Oh dear no it's not normal to feel guilty about having a friend of the opposite sex. Don't for one second think that makes you a bad partner.

That's one of my fears about the whole contact thing.

She feels it's normal behaviour I assume. I'm not particularly confrontational tbh, and if there has been any unreasonable behaviours in the past I've just got on with it, and/or, just accepted the apology and moved on.

I hasten to add though that I'm not perfect either. But have NEVER done anything that would be deemed untrustworthy.

I don't really agree with your partners view but I guess from her standpoint this girl stands out as an unusual relationship- given you don't have texts conversations with other women (other than her)- or presumably social media chit chat. Do you think she would have reacted the same if it was a different woman.

i would apologies for hiding the phone but not be apologetic about receiving the text

Ok, took positives from the responses here today and after a blather with a mate.

Went home after the gym and had it out. Basically said that there's no reason why she shouldn't trust me, she knows me and that I was upset in the accusations as they are false. I suggested that the reason I was in a muddle about the txt was that she was making me feel as if I'd done something wrong with having her number, this was in the dining room.

Then she dropped the bombshell that she'd sent the girl a message via FB as she was angry and was encouraged by some idiot friend who said "here's what I would do......."

I had to go sit in the room for 5 minutes, didn't want to raise voice as our wee girl was in the living room.

Once wee girl in bed I poured it all out, how angry and embarrassed I was, how she had actually made herself look foolish by jumping in like that and it boiled back down to trust.

I've zero to apologise for, but now I need to face this mess in work when I go in. Aaaaargh.

Oh dear. What did her message say?

I don't think your wife trusts you, why do you think that is?

Can you talk to her again?

This is the second instance then of this "girl" from work messaging you un necessarily ?

Did you attempt to keep it secret the first time too ?

From your wife's angle, this has been going on for 2 years. Whatever "this" is, it looks like you should stop it if you value your marriage (and this girl really does mean so little to you) and your reputation at work

Crikey I have loads of female friends. I must make sure I don't end up with a woman who resents me having innocent friendships with members of the opposite sex!

Anyfucker would you be saying that if the positions were reversed? based on what we have heard the OP hasn't done anything that he can stop or indeed should stop.
OP - do you think it is specific to this work colleague or women in general?

If what positions were reversed ?

non work related communication with the same woman (or man) causing problems in a relationship twice ?

I am not seeing a gender issue here. You can make it one if you wish.

I have a close male friend whom I text regularly about all sorts of stuff. He and I do the same job but not in the same workplace, he is going through a divorce and is categorically not a threat at all to my H. We do NOT fancy each other. My H knows this and is comfortable with it, the bloke is a good friend of his too. This is how normal adult relationships function! I have other male mates:colleagues too that H doesn't know, this is fine too.

DH gets texts from his female colleagues (one of whom he walks our dog with) and I get texts from male colleagues, who I might have coffee or lunch with. We're friends, all know the others partners and there's nothing to it. I personally think its healthy to have a mix of friends - age, gender etc.

I don't agree with your wife's point of view but this is obviously something important to her. I can see what AF is saying too - as far as your wife is concerned, you had messages from this woman, you said you'd stop, now you're still getting messages. In her mind she may well have concluded that you weren't honest with her about stopping.

I think the catalyst for the row is that you've changed your stance. The first time you willingly ceased contact, now you're resistant to it. She will be wondering why.

Is there a reason why she is so concerned? Parental infidelity? Very traditional male/female upbringing? Previous partner?

its not necessarily the non work communication causing the problem its the reaction to it.
It was your assumption that the OP was in the wrong that i was questioning

I agree with AF

YOU acted suspiciously when this woman contacted you again after it already being raised in the past. Your wife is just reacting to the way you did.

Also the op refers to he "calmed down' the messages on the social network site. If his wife thought they were innappropriate enough to express displeasure then and he agreed and 'calmed it down' - obviously she is going to get upset when this woman pops back up again and he acts dodgy.

OP well done for talking to your OH, that can't have been easy.

Thankyou for the responses.

NANP - it was something along the lines of 'stop texting my husband' and wasn't abusive. After we spoke, she seemed embarrassed about it and apologised for doing it as she was wound up. Not really helpful, but....

lastnightiwenttomanderley - parents split due to Dad's affair and was cheated on by previous partner.

HubertCumberdale - It was and it wasn't easy talking to her. It wasn't easy as I didn't know what route it was going to go down, but felt prepared. It was because I was thinking clearly and knew this situation had to be resolved. Not in a sense of 'we get over it' and it simmers, but actually she believes me in what I say.