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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

How many men actually wanted/want children?

58 replies

30somethingm · 02/11/2014 01:03

Just got back from the pub where had a chat with a number of mates about this (not the MGTOW "mates" in the other thread"!

How many of you actually wanted kids/want them? One of the guys said that he never wanted kids, but assumed he would have them as "that is what is done". Now that they are here he loves them of course, but is sad as his relationship is now suffering because of child-rearing stresses and the lack of quality time with his wife. He also no longer finds his wife physically attractive (a year after their 2nd was born). He said tonight that he thinks most men didn't want kids/don't want to have kids but are not open about it. What do you think?

I ask this as someone who is erring towards not having them, although I'm single so perhaps this will change.

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falafelburger · 02/11/2014 01:20

I did want kids, but was terrified of the responsibility.

Fourteen years and two DCs later I'm very glad we did have kids but am still terrified of the responsibility.

I think my DW would have liked another child, but we stuck with two. I'm pleased about that - it feels right for me.

For me having kids has been, and is, brilliant fun and massively fulfilling. It does completely change your life though, and I can see it isn't for everyone.

falafelburger · 02/11/2014 01:20

I did want kids, but was terrified of the responsibility.

Fourteen years and two DCs later I'm very glad we did have kids but am still terrified of the responsibility.

I think my DW would have liked another child, but we stuck with two. I'm pleased about that - it feels right for me.

For me having kids has been, and is, brilliant fun and massively fulfilling. It does completely change your life though, and I can see it isn't for everyone.

falafelburger · 02/11/2014 01:21

Gah.

Two kids.

Two posts.

Original poster

30somethingm · 02/11/2014 10:41

Thanks falafelburger. If you don't mind me asking - has having kids changed your relationship for the better or worse?

OP posts:

Riverland · 02/11/2014 10:43

Nobody knows how their relationship would have panned out without kids, if they've had them.

IKYTWTLYA · 02/11/2014 10:44

DH was the one excited about having a baby initially.

Now DS is 3 I'm pretty sure he regrets the decision and won't agree to a second.

frankbough · 03/11/2014 11:29

My now wife and I became pregnant within 3 months of us meeting, not ideal but 5 yrs on we are married and the kids are growing up fast... We wanted children but ideally would've liked a honeymoon period..

We've rode the endless sleepless nights, which are still on going, every night since august we've been up tending to the toddlers needs/demands, our oldest child, cluster fed and was unsettled at night for 2yrs, the youngest has thankfully been a dream in comparison.. Because of this, yes we do argue, we do bicker, but neither of us dwell on the negatives, and we try to be forgiving..
And we don't keep score, household tasks are done synergistically without a fuss, we both enjoy cooking, I listen to music and she watches her vampire series thingys, no need to turn running the household into some kind of martyrdom..

Her career has taken a different turn and my business has been altered to suit the nursery/school times, everything we plan, we plan with the family in mind...

I love my wife just as much now as I did when we met, we have regular sex and chat daily about anything and everything, we also organise time when we are alone for us just to unplug from being mum and dad even if it's brief.. As a young man I had a jolly good time, I have no regrets and don't wish to be with anyone else and we don't look at others with envious eyes..

Rather than striving for a state of delirious happiness I find being content is much more fulfilling and realistic..

HopesDaddy · 03/11/2014 11:36

When I first met my DW I believed in my head I didn't want kids. But as I grew older forged a career and became more responsible my mind was changed and then it became all I wanted. This won't happen to all guys I'm sure.

You can't expect your relationship with your DW/DP not to change though as it inevitably will. There is, when a child comes along, a greater love than she will ever have for you. But if your relationship is strong it will only get better not worse. I feel like a family now rather than just a couple and it's a nice feeling. Oh and I fancy my wife as much as I ever did...

frankbough · 03/11/2014 11:51

I certainly don't feel my wife has a greater love for our children above and beyond what she has for me, it's just different, added to the fact everyone has different maternal levels and expectations...

Original poster

30somethingm · 04/11/2014 19:50

Thanks for all replies. I think it is fair to say that there are so many different experiences out there. Society no longer expects us to have traditional families, or indeed a family at all, but that doesn't make adhering to traditions a bad thing.

OP posts:

woody0111 · 06/11/2014 08:31

When I first started dating my wife, I made it pretty clear I wanted children and she made it pretty clear she didn't. It was early in the relationship so we just decided to put it on the back burner. Over time her opinion changed
But so did mine lol. Was having too much fun as a couple. Still we got a few good holidays out the way amd waited till it felt right for both of us. Really glad we did and really glad I didn't dismiss her cos she didn't want kids at the time.

CheerfulYank · 06/11/2014 08:37

My husband always wanted them but "later". We had our first by accident and that threw him for a loop...we didn't have another for almost six years. He was and is an excellent father; he just wasn't as ready as he thought he was and the expense and life changing aspects really threw him.

Now we have our son who is seven, our (planned and tried for) daughter who is eighteen months, and I am unexpectedly (you'd think we'd learn) pregnant with our third.

My husband is thrilled. I think he's just older and more relaxed now, more settled into life with kids. Now I'm the one saying "absolutely no more after this one" and he's disappointed!

So I think timing has a lot to do with it.

Hotbot · 06/11/2014 09:14

Dh wanted kids I didn't . We were married for about 15 yrs before I finally relented . Was still wondering if I'd made the right decision all thru my pregnancy . We had such an awful time with no 1 preg, birth,pnd , wailing child , it was 3 yrs before I contemplated no 2.
It's the only time in our marriage that I can genuinely say "he was right!"
they have enhanced lives completely .

norayitwasyou · 06/11/2014 12:34

My first long term relationship was with someone who didn't want them and when that broke up I didn't envisage myself having them ever. A significant part of knowing that my now wife was 'the one' was the fact that she was the first girl I'd been in a relationship with that made me feel like "I want to be the father of our children".

Having them will surely change your life more than pretty much anything else, certainly more than getting married itself, and change your outlook on life too, but personally I wouldn't change a thing about having them.

As for not finding your wife attractive after a couple of kids, I have nothing but even more huge admiration for her for everything she went through to have them. No one stays the same as they were when they were younger; the longer you're together as a couple, the more I think your shared experiences play a role in how attractive, etc. you feel about your partner.

Original poster

30somethingm · 06/11/2014 21:05

Thanks for all these stories - they're all very interesting. I notice that a number of people have said that the man in the relationship wanted children more (before having them) than the woman. I find this interesting. I have always (perhaps incorrectly) assumed that women are more keen on having children than men.

Also, some people are saying that they never wanted children until they met the right person, and that their minds were then changed.

Do you think then that many childfree by choice couples are actually not suited and that they too are fairly likely to want children if they were in a different relationship? I realise it is impossible to generalise of course!

OP posts:

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats · 09/11/2014 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrontForward · 09/11/2014 16:57

I was chatting to a guy the other day who said not having his own child was his biggest regret.

On another thread a poster said that men not paying maintenance is because they probably never wanted children in the first place but just did it to please women who all want them.....

Coyoacan · 09/11/2014 17:07

As a woman, the father of my dd wanted children but turned out to be a useless dad in every way.

But who knows how life will be with children until they come along?

shushpenfold · 09/11/2014 17:08

My DH wanted kids but didn't feel broody until 2 yrs after me. 3DC later they're fab, he's the best of fathers and I'm damn lucky and proud of all of them (including DH!)

catseyes10 · 09/11/2014 17:15

I'm a mother of two, and while I love my kids to bits, I would never have another. I value my relationship with my husband, and even now we can struggle to have time out, just ourselves. My sil has 3, and dear god, I see how stressful her life is with them.

nefnaf · 10/11/2014 21:46

I am mother of 2 and my DP has 2 of his own...we were both very clear when we met that there would be no more. None. He was going to book a vasectomy to be sure.

But feelings deepen, time passes... we just had the conversation about it again and the snip is off the cards. I don't want a baby now, neither does DP. Nevertheless we both have a powerful desire to create something together which is moving us closer to considering it. Maybe.

With my exH I wanted a baby. With DP it's something else entirely, almost despite myself I want to have a baby because of him. Definitely a case of the relationship being a game changer.

misterduffy · 01/12/2014 16:53

Tricky subject this, and one that people's perceptions of which is affected by what people see and what people assume. The press and the media present this issue in a particular way (and often differently to men and women) but ultimately it depends on the two parents and nothing else at all.

My own situation was that I was a malleable young man who found himself with a woman 10 years older and knew exactly what she wanted. So I kind of... went along with it. No regrets - I love being a Dad and I guess I'm lucky in that sense, as I don't think it comes easily to all (depends on your own upbringing and experiences). And for someone who was reticent to begin with, I now have 7 in total so there we go. I can't say any of them were 100& intentional, but 100% of them are my kids so all I can do is be a good Dad. Doesn't really matter how they came about in the first place.

SignoraStronza · 01/12/2014 17:02

Sorry, muscling in on Dadsnet here...
I've always known dh wanted children - he's been pretty open about it since he was 20 is, when I first knew him. Appreciate this is rather unusual for a bloke. Anyway, he had the 'starter marriage' and divorced at 30 after less than two years - and in more typical fashion never had 'the talk' about it with his ex wife, meanwhile I had a dc in a ltr with an abusive arse at 27.
I would not have been too fussed about having any more had I not got together with dh, but we talked about it pretty much before we even got together so both knew what we were getting into.
No resentments on either side.

SignoraStronza · 01/12/2014 17:18

Oh, and the only way our relationship has changed is lack of regular sex, however this is something we both lament! As long as we take the rare opportunity when all three are out/asleep in their own beds at the same time and continue to flirt/snog/cuddle on a regular basis, we live in hope that it will improve in time. I've got fatter and am recovering from cs #3 at the moment so I'm not going to be as physically attractive as I once was - especially as I can't get to the gym/go swimming like I could with just the one.
The kids thing is for long term though and we've accepted that until they're all at school (which conveniently co-incides with my 40th) then life is going to initially be more chaotic.

Original poster

30somethingm · 03/12/2014 10:49

SignoraStronza welcome! The lack of sex thing would be really annoying for me I think. Intimacy is nice but regular sex several times a week has always been a part of my relationships

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