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Dadsnet

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Original poster

How many men actually wanted/want children?

58 replies

30somethingm · 02/11/2014 01:03

Just got back from the pub where had a chat with a number of mates about this (not the MGTOW "mates" in the other thread"!

How many of you actually wanted kids/want them? One of the guys said that he never wanted kids, but assumed he would have them as "that is what is done". Now that they are here he loves them of course, but is sad as his relationship is now suffering because of child-rearing stresses and the lack of quality time with his wife. He also no longer finds his wife physically attractive (a year after their 2nd was born). He said tonight that he thinks most men didn't want kids/don't want to have kids but are not open about it. What do you think?

I ask this as someone who is erring towards not having them, although I'm single so perhaps this will change.

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Anticyclone · 06/12/2014 10:14

I remember first seriously thinking about how I definitely wanted children, when I was still a teenage boy. I've know my wife for a decade, and I asked her within the first month or two if she saw children in the future, as it was so important to me.

I guess I think that it's a great privilege to be able to create and bring up a brand new member of society. Alongside being a great responsibility of course - but a good kind of responsibility. I couldn't think of a better job, and in fact I've given up my job to do it.

I'm now early 30s and happily my wife has recently given birth to our first son. So far reality has lived up to expectations although it's early days. The one thing that constantly amazes me is the fact that my wife and I created this child from nothing, yet we managed to create a person who we have both immediately fallen in love with, and would do anything for. It still bowls me over thinking about it.

intlmanofmystery · 06/12/2014 20:41

Yes always wanted kids and now have two beautiful, intelligent young people to watch and admire as they start to make their way in life (both still in school). However it had a dramatic effect on my relationship and not for the positive! Marriage has broken down, not because of the children but the way my ex changed as a result of them (personality-wise, not physically). People change over time and it is what it is. However I am incredibly proud of my children and all they achieve and finally appreciate what unconditional love really means.

Original poster

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 01:31

intiman, if you don't mind me asking, do you think your marriage would have ended if you hadn't had children?

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Original poster

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 01:31

Soz for the typo intlman!

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BreakingDad77 · 15/12/2014 14:03

I did and have done in what is my now mid to late 30's. I had travelled and dated enough wanted to marry and settle down.

I wouldn't have been happy if I had had one earlier, though i was mental about not having unprotected sex as each time is a chance it could go wrong.

Theoretician · 18/12/2014 14:57

On another thread a poster said that men not paying maintenance is because they probably never wanted children in the first place but just did it to please women who all want them

I do have a prejudice (based on my own preferences) that women want children more than men, but when I tried googling to get confirmation that this was so, I found very little convincing data that pointed one way or the other. The impression I came away with is that (contrary to my prejudice) majorities of both men and women do want children, but my prejudice might still be correct in the sense that there may be a difference in how much men want them.

In other words (using made-up numbers) maybe 80% of women want children and 60% of men do, but given a man and a woman who both say they want children, the man may on average be willing to make far fewer sacrifices to have them. (By sacrifices i mean giving up career temporarily or permanently, contributing disproportionately to nappy-changing and night-feeds, etc.)

I must stress again that what I found was very inconclusive, so don't treat this as fact.

BreakingDad77 · 18/12/2014 15:01

A lot of men want kids but probably not on the same timescale as many falsely think women have the same kind of fertility as them and put it off.

Original poster

30somethingm · 20/12/2014 00:37

Theoretician I think you're right. A lot of men when asked will say they want children and they might mean it in a vague "maybe sometime way".

I myself am erring towards not having them. The reason I'm here often though is because I'm not 100% - probably never will be!

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Original poster

30somethingm · 21/12/2014 23:56

It would be interesting to get more female perspectives on his thread. A good female friend of mine is going through a tough patch with her OH who definitely doesn't want kids. She sadly has the opposite viewpoint. Both started off vague, unsure and non-committal on that front when they got together.

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Original poster

30somethingm · 21/12/2014 23:58

*by sadly I meant it is sad that she is not on the same page as OH on this / he is not on the same page as her

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BaffledSomeMore · 22/12/2014 00:03

My first DH wanted children but in an abstract mini-me sort of way that didn't include any actual responsibility or effort on his part. I was much less keen. His second wife discovered to her and their dc's detriment that that was the case.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 22/12/2014 00:15

DH and I always "knew" we would have children - the done thing, etc etc - but my big secret is that I never 100% wanted children. I never felt ready and if we had waited until I felt ready, we would still be waiting. Instead, I am sitting here looking at my breathtaking and gorgeous two DDs (11 and 8) who are the lights of my life and without whom I cannot imagine life for one second.

I took a deep breath and trusted to some higher being (or maybe just DH) that it would all turn out and it has. Besides, even though I wasn't sure about kids, I was always crystal clear that someday I would want grandkids.

thisisnow · 22/12/2014 16:21

I am in the opposite situation where my boyfriend is desperate for children and I'm the one who is not 100%!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds You sound exactly like me, glad it worked out okay for you!

Original poster

30somethingm · 24/12/2014 23:24

Hi thisisnow. Nice to hear your views. I'm way too young (32) to have a child and pretty sure I don't want one ever after this long period of soul searching.

I might enquire about the temporary vasectomy thing where they inject something into the Vas Deferens. Can be reversed by injecting something to dissolve the blockage.

I'm kind of seeing someone non - exclusively atm after a recently ended relationship. I now share my views on procreating when I meet someone so as to avoid confusion.

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freelancegirl · 24/12/2014 23:54

I was far too busy having fun to think about having kids but then one day it dawned on me that the only way I was different from my male friends was in that my fertile days wouldn't necessarily last as long. I found it highly irritating to be honest!

Dh and I were together 10 years before we got married - travelling, going out, generally doing nothing but pleasing ourselves. It was great! I never woke up and had that Must Have Children thing either but I always saw them as somewhere in my life so hit 36 and thought I had better get on with it. Unfortunately we had a few miscarriages but our first baby was born when I was almost 38 and our second was born yesterday now I've just turned 40 (I'm in hospital watching him sleep as we speak, too full of adrenalin to sleep). Dh is actually 11 years older than me (doesn't look 52, freakish young genes) and was therefore the grand old age of 49 when he became a dad.

I used to see other people with children and feel sorry for them that they didn't have my lifestyle which I'm a bit ashamed of now. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I'm glad we did all the things we did first and spent ages having fun together first. Our relationship is stronger in some ways and in other ways we are more distant. But we are right in the thick of it, as it were, with the beautiful but challenging baby years and I see friends who have older children come out of the other side of that and are close to each other again but in a different way. Right now I have to admit I love the babies far more than I love him but fully anticipate that to even out as they become older and less dependent. I used to think having children would be the end of all our adventures but actually it's the biggest and most incredible adventure, for me, of them all.

oswellkettleblack · 24/12/2014 23:58

My husband was in his early 20s and wanted them.

I disagree 'most men' don't want them, but I met a lot of immature men who did not and, as I did, I just moved on from such people very early.

spinduchess · 24/12/2014 23:59

DH wants three, desperately. We don't have any yet. I'm not ready.

thisisnow · 26/12/2014 13:08

How old are you spin? I think my OH would be happy with one!

freelance I like your story!

pebblepots · 26/12/2014 13:32

My husband is 7 years older than me, when we got together I was in my early 20s. He wanted kids very much, I thought about it for many (10) years until I felt I wanted to. We now have a lovely dd, but it is hard work! Also we can't be as selfish with our time as we used to be and it has highlighted every flaw and incompatibility in our relationship and personalities which may have gone unnoticed if we did not have a child. Or kept hidden until later.

So we won't be having any more as I don't think our marriage would survive it (if it does anyway). We don't really enjoy parenting together as have quite different approaches.

spinduchess · 26/12/2014 13:32

I'm 28 thisisnow! We've been married for 6 months, but been together since 22.

To be fair to him, he's wanted three as long as I've known him. He is one of three, I'm one of two. I've agreed to two, and then I'll see how I feel afterwards - its not his body!

We'll start TTC before I'm 30, definitely. I want a little while longer with it being just us though. We have so much fun together!

thisisnow · 26/12/2014 14:54

I am 29, it's been the 2 of us for 10 years I'm scared about the dynamics changing between us!

Pebble do you think if you had them earlier in the relationship it would've been easier? This is my worry sometimes feel I've waited too long!

pebblepots · 26/12/2014 21:59

No I don't think it would have made a difference, I think perhaps we were/are not compatible enough to be together really, which was fine when we were child free. Although we had perhaps become used to our lives being a certain way. I think if you work well together as a team, get on well, similar upbringing probably helps, view of life etc then you will parent well and you will still have a similar dynamic.

If you have doubts about your compatibility, disagree on things, find eachother a bit annoying, don't work well as a team; having a child will put a strain on you (on any relationship), it will make any cracks wider.

Thisisnow, why are you not 100%?

grumpyoldgitagain · 26/12/2014 22:08

I wanted 5, my DW wanted one

We now have 2 DD's and she is pretty certain she doesn't want anymore.

I still do and would have another straight away if she agreed to it and it happened, but I can't see her changing her mind

thisisnow · 27/12/2014 12:10

A whole catalogue of reasons Pebble, but then don't think I ever would be 100% about anything so I think that's ok.

Grumpy I think 5 is a lot in todays society!

spinduchess · 27/12/2014 12:23

Five is also a HUGE demand on someone else's body grumpy!

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