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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Expectations of A Dad whilst you're on Maternity leave

22 replies

NewDadScaredofYouLot · 25/07/2014 19:21

I just wanted to know how much you think a dad should do, when he is at work and you're on leave? I do all the chores, cooking and cleaning because I want my wife to focus on childcare in the first few months. I sterilise the baby bottles and do the odd feed from expressed milk, though, if I'm honest at 3 months I'm not doing the night feeds any more.

I come home from work tired, but still make time to spend 30 minutes playing with our newborn. I'm out at 7 for work and back at 6ish.

Should I be doing more, or less and what should I expect of my wife? I'm thinking that after 3 months, she should be doing more around the home and maybe even cooking once or twice a week - but I'm not going to ask, because I know she has long days as well.

OP posts:

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ElsiePartridge · 25/07/2014 19:24

I think you're doing more than enough! Definitely more than my OH......

SlicedAndDiced · 25/07/2014 19:25

Holy shit...are you available for rental?!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/07/2014 19:27

DH did bath/bottle/bed every night. I cooked and he did the dishes then prepped the night time bottles. He got dd up with him at seven and played/fed/changed her and put her back down at eight when he left then me and her wpuld wake at 9.30.

He would pick up ingredients on the way home from work if needed. He would do sat or sun nught wakings.

TarkaTheOtter · 25/07/2014 19:28

It totally depends on the baby. Some babies are harder work than others and that will impact on how much she can get done during the day. At 3 months with a contented baby she should be able to get most of the household chores done. The baby doesn't really need entertaining. But if it's a Velcro baby and she's doing night feeds then it makes sense for her to prioritise getting sleep during the day/when you are home to hold the baby.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 25/07/2014 19:31

posted too soon!!

and we would share chores.

You do shit loadd!!

CMOTDibbler · 25/07/2014 19:32

How long is your dw going to have on maternity leave? I think its important to start working towards the pattern of household division that you both agree to for when shes working - so that might be that you cook dinner everynight, but she'd be putting on a washing load, doing the bottles, and a quick tidy up while you did that. Equally, in the morning, you might be putting the dishwasher on while she feeds the baby.

Though, while she has lo all day, you taking over for 30 minutes as soon as you get in is probably a sanity saver.

Talk to your wife about this - communication (and not in a 'I don't want to do dinner everynight' way) is what will make having a baby together a lot easier and pleasanter all round

milkjetmum · 25/07/2014 19:34

Depends a bit on your baby's temperment too - if you have a non-stop feeding, frequently crying, clingy-high maintenance baby it can be hard to make yourself a cup of tea let alone plan dinner for when your partner gets home. But if you have a baby which will nap for hours at regular times then there is more opportunity to sleep catch up with jobs around the house.

Most babies fall somewhere in the middle, so a bit of flexibility is required - some days will be nightmares, others a breeze.

In our family I am the 'working parent' while DH is stay at home dad. But to be honest, being out at work is a piece of cake compared to the non-stop demands at home. You can talk to people without being interrupted, you can go to the toilet alone...bliss

ChazzerChaser · 25/07/2014 19:35

My husband was similar. Recognised that I was on maternity leave not housework leave. So in day I did baby things, lots of hunkering down feeding and cuddling in early days. I breastfed so did all feeds. I always cooked though. He washed up with baby in sling while I often had a bath as had a lot of healing to do. Other stuff we shared at weekends. We've both always been clear that for both of us time with baby is that, rather than fitting baby in amongst housework. And that is for him too. We've not got a big house or particularly high standards though, clean but not so worried about a bit of mess.

bronya · 25/07/2014 19:37

How much sleep is she getting? How clingy is the baby and how often are they feeding? If she's still on 2 hourly feeds then she won't get anything done except for childcare. If the baby won't be put down, ditto. I remember finding a shower challenging, as I had to leave my DS to cry for the 3 min it took me to get showered, dry and in some clothes.

Once my DS was going four hours between feeds, was sitting up and content to play with some toys for 20 min or so, I got much more done around the home. In our case, we got a cleaner instead of DH doing the house, and he cooks anyway. I did the washing/dishwasher.

SevenZarkSeven · 25/07/2014 19:39

Depends on so many factors.

How the baby is, how your wife is feeling, how you are feeling.

It's not as cut and dried as "this is right".

For eg a woman with PND at home with a baby that isn't very settled and taking ages BF is going to be up to doing more than a woman who is fit and well and getting on well with everything.

Similarly, a person out working will have different energy levels depending on what their job is like, hours etc.

You work it out between you as a couple, with stuff in priority order so the essentials are done.

That's what we did anyway.

lornemalvo · 25/07/2014 19:39

My DH does a lot. I have one baby, one tot and one preschooler so all 3 at home all day apart from preschooler who is out 2 hours a day during term time. I cook every feed and nightfeed as bf'ing, every meal, the shopping, laundry, tidying, dishes, dusting etc. My DH does the hoovering, baths all 3 DC, looks after them a fair bit, cleans bathroom, mows garden, mops floors etc. None of these jobs are assigned. We just tend to do these things but dip in and out of each other's areas. He does what he can when he has a free moment. I do what I can. The rest doesn't get done.

When you have young children I think it is best to just do what you can so that when you have time together at the weekend you can just enjoy yourselves together rather than catch up on chores. Try not to make it about point scoring or a competition about who does the most.
For instance, you and your wife could talk about meals that take little preparation and get the ingredients needed for those in. She would find it easier to get a meal prepared and you would feel less like everything was left to you.

SevenZarkSeven · 25/07/2014 19:40

less obv

clearly don't get the woman who is run into the ground and have her slogging away while going easy on the one who is flitting around baby sign groups

Bambalam · 25/07/2014 19:41

You sound like a great dad and husband, both for doing that much and for being aware that it could be inflammatory to bring chores up with your DW.

We have a six week old and my husband does a similar amount to you. For example, it was only this week that I cooked my first evening meal since LO was born.

However I feel frustrated about doing so little in the house so I wash clothes (DH hangs out), do online shopping, sweep and mop floors, clean bathroom, load and unload dishwasher. This is all academic however, if your baby is much more settled/unsettled than mine. You have to do what is right for your family unit. What you probably don't need is details of other people's division of labour, but a way to bring it up sensitively with your wife. Is she the type to take advantage or could it just be that managing a house to previous standards and caring for a first baby is impossible? You've got to decide whether the worse situation is you doing so much, or the risk of your wife feeling hurt. Good luck!

callamia · 25/07/2014 19:41

Don't be prescriptive, just take days as they are - I have a nine month old and a brilliant husband who does similar to you. Some days, I can get stuff done; make dinner, iron, tidy up, etc. other days. I get pretty much nothing done except the basics to keep me and DS going all day... Those days, my husband comes home and makes dinner etc. essentially, we muddle through by both of us doing what needs doing when we can.

Chipandspuds · 25/07/2014 19:42

It seems to be completely different for everyone but when DS was a little baby DH was out of the house from 7.45am - 6.45pm. DH would take DS as soon as he got home for about half an hour. We shared the cooking 50/50 and I did all of the housework during the day. DH did the night feed on a Friday and Saturday night and I did the night feeds the rest of the week.

Solasum · 25/07/2014 19:47

Wow! You sound amazing! I have been back working fulltime since 3 months, with no help round the house at all (lone parent). So yes, I do think your wife could probably manage a little bit more around the house...

Original poster

NewDadScaredofYouLot · 25/07/2014 19:48

Thanks for your kind comments. We're lucky and have a good, happy, healthy baby, who isn't nearly as much work to look after as some of our friends.

Communication isn't an issue either; I was more worried that suggesting my wife does more around the home, now DD (getting the hang of the lingo here) is only up once in the night, could be unfair - because I know it can be tiring looking after a baby.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

Yama · 25/07/2014 19:56

We agreed that I shouldn't take on more as it might lead to confusion when I went back to work.

By the way, when I went back to work after my second mat leave my dh took 3 weeks off work. It was the easiest 3 weeks of my life and I would come home and make dinner for all.

TarkaTheOtter · 25/07/2014 20:02

Rather than suggest she does more, try to work out what bits are hardest for you both to get done and think about how as a couple you can solve it. There is a good thread at the moment on here about time saving tips. But for some quick ideas:
Bulk cooking at weekend
Slow cooker
Online groceries
Cleaner
Sling so she can be hands free
Jumperoo is good distraction when baby a bit older
Alternate lie ins at weekend
One of you does dinner/other does bath and bedtime

Is she getting a good stretch of sleep? One wake up can be quite disturbing if it is in the middle of the night. Have you tried a dream feed if so?

TarkaTheOtter · 25/07/2014 20:04

Also, don't base whether you should ask her to do more or not in what strangers think is "fair" but instead on how well she is coping.

Messygirl · 25/07/2014 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bronya · 25/07/2014 20:09

Could you try offering to have the baby for a stretch of time each weekend day (take her out - for a walk to the park, shopping...) so your wife can get some chores done? That way you get to bond with your little girl for a few solo hours, and your wife gets some time to herself, in which she can get some things done. We do this and I love that time. There's just me in the house, I can crack on with all the things that need doing, and my husband gets some quality time alone with his son.

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