A father's view

[draco4756]

Hi dads I was hoping for a bit of advice. I'm pregnant but not with the father any more. When he found out he choose not to be involved in any way, he lives in New Zealand and I'm from England so I came home. But... He already has a daughter who will be 3 at the time of birth. After months of thinking I would like her to know she is a sister. I've been thinking of sending a letter to his ex explaining the situation so she can pass on the information when she thinks is the right time.

far I've mostly had female views on this, can you help me with some male ones so I don't miss something?

Thank you.

Hi Draco. I have to wonder why you want the three yr old to know she has a half sibling? I don't know your ex's situation, but I assume (hope) he'll be trying to provide a stable environment to bring up his daughter. I don't see how her finding out she has a half sibling at some time will help that. It's more likely to bring instability and upset to all concerned. He obviously wants nothing to do with his imminant offspring, and so I wonder how his relationship with his daughter will fare if and when she finds out. Is it that you are hoping that it would keep a link to your ex for you? My gut feel is to say, start a fresh with your lovely baby and look forward to happy times ahead, and don't look back. X

why would you want to communicate with his ex? I would leave well alone.

I think you should wait before sending a letter to his ex and give the father some time to come round to the idea of having another child. It would be much better for all your long-term relationships if you do not have to bypass the father.

I think that she, as a person, deserves to know she is a sister. No matter what age she is. I'm not going to be able to tell when the best time to tell her is, that's why I'm leaving the information and my contact details with her mother. I don't really expect a response from this. I totally agree that if there was a way to do it without bypassing the father it would be far better. But the last time we spoke we agreed to have no further communication until the child choose to find him.

There is a big difference between knowing you have family and choosing not to talk to them and finding out as an adult that you never had that choice. The girls long-term relationship has a greater chance to success

*of success.

Bad, bad idea! Why on earth do you want to drag ex's partner into this, does she even know you exist? Sounds to me like you're just trying to stir up trouble. I would forget about what you think your baby deserves and concentrate on looking after your baby's more immeadiate needs and with providing a safe and warm home for him/her.

Bringing half siblings together is not something to be handled with fickleness and when emotions are high. Its better done with both biological parents consent, not through craftiness and with much though as to the possible consequences to all concerned.

Immediate

This man sounds like a bit of a shit, are you sure the EX/mother of his daughter is indeed his EX?

I don't honestly understand the whole thing some people have about blood. If you're moving away and your daughter will be born and raised without any contact with this other girl, then who cares that they share a certain amount of DNA? Ideas about them being linked in some way, and thus "deserving" to know about each other, seem wholly superstitious to me. I certainly wouldn't be fucking around with that would otherwise be a clean break a fresh start for them.