Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Original poster

Can you help me understand my husband?

63 replies

BarackObamasBigEars · 07/03/2011 22:04

I'm a regular but have namechanged so as to keep my dirty laundry private. I'd really value the opinion of male MNers on this issue as it has been driving me up the bloody wall since time immemorial.

Why do DH and I have this conversation:

DH: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
Me: Really? I wasn't aware of that, what was it that I did that made you feel that? etc

  • and we go on to have a conversation about it - sometimes heated, sometimes not. During which I apologise unreservedly for stuff I've done that has inadvertently hurt him. But ultimately we end with a positive resolution.

And then, when the shoe is on the other foot it goes like this:

Me: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
DH: (interrupting after "upset") Well, I didn't know you wanted me to do that/ Well I was tired, I wasn't thinking/ Well, you did zyx the other day and...

  • in other words rather than asking for more information he launches the defence missiles and lo and behold, blazing row, yadda yadda yadda and everyone's pissed off.

What the hell is going on?? It drives me nuts. I feel like I'm married to an 11-year-old, when what I wanted was an equal partner. Please help me understand!

OP posts:
SalandersBro · 07/03/2011 22:21

as a starter for 10, have you given him this feedback, i.e. how his approach/defensiveness cuts out further discussion?

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 07/03/2011 22:31

Many times. Over the past 10 years. And he wriggles out of it by saying that he takes offence to my saying he's defensive. Nice move, huh? Hmm

He also claims that the reason he reacts that way is that my 'teacherly' tone of voice sets him on edge. Nobody else in the world has said that I have such a tone. But fine, taking him at his word, I have spent the past 10 years trying out a range of different tones of voice, just in case it is me. And the result? He still reacts defensively.

I've also asked him to consider whether he thinks he might be reacting defensively, and why that could be. I've said explicitly that unless we both consider what each of us is bringing to the interaction, we can't move forwards. 10 years of asking and he still hasn't given his side any thought. Sigh.

OP posts:
givemesomespace · 07/03/2011 22:36

Not sure a bloke would be able to offer a better perspective. Stating the blindingly obvious, he sounds like someone who is rather defensive and doesn't like to say sorry. Not much more to understand really.

Actually, I do know of a solution. I read it in the Relationships forum: cut his balls off and kick him out. Works every time apparently.

SalandersBro · 07/03/2011 22:46

well, with respect, there is a good deal more to understand. if he has given this zero thought, he is prob. duplicating his parents manner, prob. dad's way of problem-solving.

SalandersBro · 07/03/2011 23:00

suspect that he is feeling over-awed by the convos you have - blokes are fab at getting emotionally 'stuck', and so say little or get defensive or avoid the convo entirely. also suspect his parents don't/didn't talk much either?

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 00:07

Salander, IMO you are right on the money. Passive-aggressive mother who's an expert at the blame game. Quiet, passive father. They never argued in front of the kids. Thing is, DH knows enough good theory about how to make relationships work, so in his head he knows how to handle conflict and disagreement well. In fact, when we first got married we did handle conflict well. I can't remember why things ever changed Sad.

We have so much good stuff in the rest of our relationship - we function well as a team with the kids, we share many values and interests, we make each other laugh and enjoy each other's company. But how you handle conflict, IMO, can make or break a relationship. It's been grinding me down for a long time and I feel as though by not giving up on it I'm fighting for our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 00:29

You suggested that I may have overwhelmed him, Salander. Yes, it's certainly possible. To be fair, I have drip-fed this stuff over the course of our marriage, so it's not been a deluge of my stuff for him to deal with. But it's still possible that even that has been more than he can handle.

Looking at what I've written this all sounds so ridiculous. Who waits ten years to have an open conversation?

OP posts:
SalandersBro · 08/03/2011 00:44

i don't think it sounds ridiculous, for what it's worth - prob. very very common.
you know he 'had it' at some point, so he can 'have it' again re managing conflict. sounds like lots of positives. and blokes don't like being 'told what to do' or how to respond/feel.
i think i'd probably respond massively to lots of reassurances, being told I am loved and it being demonstrated before a difficult convo to reduce the possible feeling of being got at.
communicating well is habitual. could be he just out of the habit. remind him gently how good he was at it, and give him confidences, and the fact that it makes you feel more secure and confident. if he loves you he won't want you to feel rubbish.

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 01:08

Thank you, Salander, that's really helpful. I think I've become so caught up in my own resentment and hurt feelings that it's been hard for me to see past that.

I think your suggestions of showering him with love and reassurance are excellent. I will do that anyway, without the 'ulterior' motive of wanting to raise concerns with him! Grin

Thank you so much for helping me to step out of my own head.

OP posts:
SalandersBro · 08/03/2011 01:15

glad you feel it helps - you're welcolme.

MrIC · 08/03/2011 13:30

have you tried subterfuge?

My DW bought this book "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk." she claimed it was because she wanted to get prepared, but given that DD is 13 months old and she insisted I read it now, I suspect she also bought it for me! Grin

seem to be working - at least we haven't had any rows like the one you describe since.

assuming you guys have DCs could you try the same tack?

eeore · 08/03/2011 17:16

Sounds like he just wants you to shut up and listen to him.

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 19:59

MrIC, we do have that book. I once tried the 'leave a cheerful note' approach. He responded by leaving a sarcastic note. Hmm

Eeore, I'm guessing you're not a diplomat by professi

OP posts:
Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 19:59

Arse. Think you got the gist, anyway.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:15

OP, I agree with eeore

and no, I'm not a diplomat, but I do recognise a selfish arsehole when I see one

I'm not a bloke though, so feel free to disregard my opinion

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 20:22

You shouldn't trust your own judgement, PeterAndre. Especially with that MN name you've chosen. Run along now, dear.

OP posts:
SalandersBro · 08/03/2011 20:25

ooh this is difficult. a sprinkling of name-calling has never been known to progress things. the OP indicates a strong element of hope and a man otherwise commited to his family, though struggling in this particular regard.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:27

< shrugs >

eeore · 08/03/2011 20:28

yeah, I was right, and given your chippy responses it is hardly surprising.

SalandersBro · 08/03/2011 20:36

eeore - sounds like you insulting the OP for no reason othe than she disagrees with you. a nice warm welcolme from dadsnet.Hmm

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:44

where did eeore insult the OP ? Confused

eeore · 08/03/2011 20:45

salandersbro - so honest opinion is to be discouraged now?

Since you have set yourself up as the thought police, perhaps you can supply a list of tick box options of suitable answers as to what is an allowable reply.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:46

is "chippy" an insult ?

because I take more exception to being told to "run along dear"

I can see why OP might be feeling defensive though, but that's not because someone has insulted her

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 20:46

Thanks, Salander. Once again you are insightful.

eeore, did you honestly expect that after effectively telling me to shutup I'd bow down in humility begging you for more wisdom? Hmm

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 20:52

Barack, I am genuinely confused as to what you are talking abou

eeore didn't tell you to shut up

she said that is what your husband is effectively doing every time he closes you down when you try to put your own POV across

and I agree with her, that is what he does

do you think he doesn't ?

do you want someone to tell you it's ok that he can get sympathy/understanding/an audience but you cannot

'cos I don't think that's ok

that isn't an insult, it is supportive of your right to be heard, which your husband is not

getting pee'd off at posters that remind you of that is defensive and won't help you work out why your husband affords you so little respect