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Original poster

Can you help me understand my husband?

63 replies

BarackObamasBigEars · 07/03/2011 22:04

I'm a regular but have namechanged so as to keep my dirty laundry private. I'd really value the opinion of male MNers on this issue as it has been driving me up the bloody wall since time immemorial.

Why do DH and I have this conversation:

DH: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
Me: Really? I wasn't aware of that, what was it that I did that made you feel that? etc

  • and we go on to have a conversation about it - sometimes heated, sometimes not. During which I apologise unreservedly for stuff I've done that has inadvertently hurt him. But ultimately we end with a positive resolution.

And then, when the shoe is on the other foot it goes like this:

Me: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
DH: (interrupting after "upset") Well, I didn't know you wanted me to do that/ Well I was tired, I wasn't thinking/ Well, you did zyx the other day and...

  • in other words rather than asking for more information he launches the defence missiles and lo and behold, blazing row, yadda yadda yadda and everyone's pissed off.

What the hell is going on?? It drives me nuts. I feel like I'm married to an 11-year-old, when what I wanted was an equal partner. Please help me understand!

OP posts:
SoulDude · 08/03/2011 22:16

swearing.insults.fondling. so dadsnetty.

yama · 08/03/2011 22:17

Again, I'm going to agree with FoundWanting's point about you being too reasonable. Perhaps you should be a touch dramatic.

foundwanting · 08/03/2011 22:18

I love you, yama.

SoulDude · 08/03/2011 22:21

and now girl-on-girl. cripes.

yama · 08/03/2011 22:21
Smile
givemesomespace · 08/03/2011 22:22

Don't let us stop you ladies. We're very open minded here

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 22:32

but what about the menz love ?

PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 22:33

this is the most action this topic has had in months

bosch · 08/03/2011 22:38

Phew, just read this, glad you all made up in the end!

For what it's worth, dh and I had some counselling a year ago and, although I interupt everyone ESPECIALLY DH, (and I reckon it drives him nuts) I took great pleasure every time the counsellor told dh off for asking me a question and then answering it himself. Neither of us were aware that he did this. But I don't think that if I HAD noticed dh doing this that he would have taken my word for it, he needed an independent observer to point it out.

Put it another way, you might never be the right person to point out to your dh that he can dish it out but he can't take it.

Dh and i now have times set aside on the calendar when we can discuss the issues that led us into counselling, to make sure that we're still 'OK'. It means that you don't spring an awkward conversation when the other one is not ready. But it's not easy to ask for without the backing of a counsellor...

Original poster
BarackObamasBigEars · 08/03/2011 22:45

I never expected this thread to make me laugh so much! Grin

Foundwanting, you made me rofl! I would SO love to say that to DH! Grin

bosch - that sounds really excellent. I have managed to twist his arm and get him to a counsellor twice (ironically he has done some counselling training himself. Yeah, I know. Hmm).

Both times we came out with such different impressions: I thought she was great and gave us some useful stuff to work on. He was nonchalant. I then found that I was left with him not really showing much interest in following up what we'd discussed. At least, he was interested as long as I (at his request, not mine) remind him to do the follow-up. Which means, in practice, reminding him again and again and again. And again. And again. Which is also known as nagging - which I told him. So he then claims that it's not nagging, because he's asked me to do it. Nah, mate, it's nagging, and I don't want that for my marriage.

Funny how he always manages to remember things he wants to do without reminding nagging...

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 08/03/2011 22:55

I never expected this thread to make me laugh so much

that's Mumsnet (and Dadsnet) for ya !

eeore · 08/03/2011 23:11

baarackObamasBigEars - who told you to shut up?

As for my wisdom - match it with your sarcasm.

I didn't realise the game was that we have to agree with you, or say things we don't mean in order that you can somehow justify your behaviour - perhaps you would like us to tell you how much of a jerk your husband is - if so I think you are confusing mumsnet and dadsnet.

givemesomespace · 08/03/2011 23:51

"Menz love"

hmmmmmm tumbleweed

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