Can you help me understand my husband?

[BarackObamasBigEars]

I'm a regular but have namechanged so as to keep my dirty laundry private. I'd really value the opinion of male MNers on this issue as it has been driving me up the bloody wall since time immemorial.

Why do DH and I have this conversation:

DH: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
Me: Really? I wasn't aware of that, what was it that I did that made you feel that? etc

• and we go on to have a conversation about it - sometimes heated, sometimes not. During which I apologise unreservedly for stuff I've done that has inadvertently hurt him. But ultimately we end with a positive resolution.

And then, when the shoe is on the other foot it goes like this:

Me: You know, when you did xyz the other day it really upset me because etc etc etc...
DH: (interrupting after "upset") Well, I didn't know you wanted me to do that/ Well I was tired, I wasn't thinking/ Well, you did zyx the other day and...

• in other words rather than asking for more information he launches the defence missiles and lo and behold, blazing row, yadda yadda yadda and everyone's pissed off.

What the hell is going on?? It drives me nuts. I feel like I'm married to an 11-year-old, when what I wanted was an equal partner. Please help me understand!

Peter and eeore - you seem to have blundered your way around handing out insults such as 'selfish areshole' re the OPs husband, ( being told to run along is a mild rebuke in the circs) and suggesting the OP is 'chippy' because she disagrees with you. nothing more or less than that. am no thought police, just looking to uphold some civility and manners.

he is acting like a selfish arsehole

if my husband acted like that, that is what he would be

he has acted like a selfish arsehole on occasion, as have I

I wouldn't have a problem being pulled up on it, if I was

but then I would tend to let someone have an opinion, and a voice, which this fella seems to have a problem with

I think OP has genuinely misunderstood what eeore said

reading between the lines, OP "knows" me and doesn't want to hear my opinion at all, so I shall bow out run along now

This is hilarious.

I think there has been a total misunderstanding here - when I read your first posts, eeore and PeterAndre, it came across as if you were both telling me to shutup/ calling me a selfish arsehole. That's why I got narked.

I now see that I read your posts completely the wrong way! Sorry! Am I forgiven?

it's easy to find 'stock labels' isn't it, and hand them round in a "robust" way. the OP asked for assistance from dadsnet to 'understand' her dh's behaviour. 'selfish arsehole' may have occured to her once or twice over the last 10 years. using this description to her probably defines 'pointlessness'.

Um...I don't know who you are, PeterAndre! But hope you've not left before reading my last post!

To be fair, both of your posts did come across as a bit staccato and therefore they read as if you were flinging out insults. Hence the misunderstanding. No hard feelings, I hope?

Salander - thanks for standing up for me, regardless!

< peeks back in and tries to pretend I had really left the thread >

Barack, really? You misunderstood ?

that would make much more sense, really it would

and make me feel a lot more comfortable if you were comfortable IYSWIM

nothing to forgive, just a bit of relief, tbh x

but I do recognise a selfish arsehole when I see one

bloody hell, it could read like I was calling you the arsehole

that was sincerely not the case, and I feel sure the same for eeore

< group hug >

ROFL

< links with SB and drags him in too >

< puts arm round Peter, then pinches Peter's bum>

watch out, SB ...people will start to talk that you have been pinching some guy called Peter's bum

anyway maybe now this thread has been detonated bumped, you may get some more replies, OP

they were a bit thin on the ground and I'm not sure why, other than Dadsnet can be very slow

being in Active conv's may make it more visible

PMSL!

btw, my name is a piss-take, in case that wasn't clear

mind you, he might do a better job than the present incumbent

Sorry to butt in to your love-in, (and you do know that Peter is a man called Jeff IRL don't you, SB?), but I have a similar problem with my DH.

I've come to ralise that when he starts the 'You did xyz...' conversation, he has had time to mull over his feelings, question whether or not he is being reasonable etc. etc.

When I start those same conversations, he is immediately on the back foot. My way round him becoming defensive is to say, "Don't say anything now, but could you think about how xyz might have made me feel?"

Then, when he has thought about it we can have a proper discussion (or row).

realise obviously.

And, I'd like to point out that of course I do not become defensive when confronted by my imagined failings, because they are just that. Imagined.

bloody hell, outed again

is nowhere sacred ?

I can't even impersonate a man impersonating a woman on dadsnet ffs

< scratches balls >

< gropes SalandersBro's arse >

FoundWanting's advice is good. I do that. Never realised why I did it though.

LMAO at PeterAndre - I had you down for an obnoxious git, and then thought "FFS he's also in love with Peter bloody Andre. Wazzock!" Good gracious I need some sleep, I am just not getting anything today unless it's shoved in my face with a sign on...

foundwanting - sigh. Your advice is good...except that when I suggest DH goes away to think about something, this is what happens in his head: "Yippee! I'm off the hook! I'm off the hook!"

And there it ends.

I did today employ the very good 'reflecting back' approach when we had an argument and he clearly wasn't understanding me. I listened to him until he'd finished, then reflected back what I thought he'd said (he stopped me to ask if I was reflecting back, so you'd hope he'd take it on board, right?). I then asked if I'd understood him correctly. I then said that I thought he hadn't understood me correctly, and started to explain myself again but gaaaahhhh! Can he not let me finish without interrupting?? By the time we'd sorted through the 'please stop bloody interrupting and hear me out' mini-argument within an argument, there was no chance of him reflecting back to me.

Lordy.

I know it's one step at a time but I feel like I've been taking these small steps, on my own forever.

I have to reiterate that in many ways he genuinely is lovely, which is why I still feel that our relationship is worth fighting for.

Barack...do not believe everything you see

For feck's sake, I'm eating. Please stop touching each other up or just get a room..........

Oh god I really am sleep-deprived. I didn't understand your post, Peter.

I used to be the master of subtlety! What has happened to my brain? >

which one ?

this one ?...

"bloody hell, outed again

is nowhere sacred ?

I can't even impersonate a man impersonating a woman on dadsnet ffs

< scratches balls >

< gropes SalandersBro's arse >"

you weren't meant to I didn't understand it myself < taps nose >

I think you are a marvel for still trying to tackle this rationally.

Sounds to me like you should say "shut the fuck up and stop doing that and if you do it again I will have your nads on toast". Or words to that effect.

By the way, I am not a diplomat.

There I was, all buoyed up by yamas' comment, thinking of venturing into 'Relatioship' threads and everything.

Perhaps you are being too reasonable?

How about, "Look. You really hurt me by doing/saying xyz. I am pissed off with you. Sit there and think about what you have done and don't speak to me until you are ready to apologise. No, I don't want to hear your lame excuses. And No, it is not anyone else's fault. You have annoyed me. Think about it."

I have pre-teens in my house.