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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Advice hugely appreciated

135 replies

Laos2011 · 17/02/2011 11:05

Hello from an expectant father, baby boy due 4th April. First post on this site

Will try and keep my bio short and then get to the single question....

Girlfriend lives in Laos (South East Asia) at the moment. She will be having our child there and then I will be looking to get her back to the UK as soon a practicaly possible after the birth. I am flying out there for 5 weeks to be with her, will be my first time in Laos.

Laos is a very poor undeveloped country, I am bringing over what I can, clothes etc... but there is a limit to what i can bring based on luggage allowances and practicality. I would love to bring over a large sterlising unit, buggy and breast pump, my suitcase will obviously not support such items. I wont have the luxury of a mothercare or boots on every street corner.

If there was 1 single thing you would recommend I bring over, what would it be?

I appreciate thats a very open ended non specific question but I just want to pick the brains of mums and parents to be. Understanding that I will be fairly remote from "civilisation" I am just looking for ideas of things I could not live without and probably not get over there.

All feedback greatly received

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 14:29

But Op isn't out gift shopping and asking what would be appreciated. he wants to know what he can buy for his child.

fair do's and well done him for the intiative.

But as i say, i don't understand why you wouldn't ask her what she would like?
I could understand asking which breast pump (or whatever) would be best, but obviously that would be after she has made a request for one.

and the poor disadvantaged girlfriend was in resonse to teh comments about her country of origin being undeveloped. It was like he was rescuing her from some horrid life and swooping in with magical items.

I think that a certain amount of cynicism must surely be expected. I am sure that the OP will not be new to the idea of western men seeking brides from countries like laos/thailand/vietnam etc.

That is not to say that this is the case, but that for him to get so angry when it is suggested is pointless. It is a stereotype and whilst it may get frustrating i think you must accpet that there will be people who do jump to those conclusions.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 17/02/2011 14:35

Sling - don't bother, they have those out there

When I was visiting a friend in Indonesia (British expat married to Indonesian) she asked for disposable nappies. I don't know what your GF is planning to use for nappies but certainly they are more expensive and harder to get over there than in the UK.

Anything to do with the local climate should be available out there already; and chances are they will have all sorts of brews and potions to deal with day to day new mum's woes. But western medicines would be useful - calpol, calprofen for e.g.

Thermometers - if you can, I'd actually try and get one that doesn't require batteries. Tis a PITA when they run out, especially if there isn't a handy shop on the corner that sells exactly the right sort.

Have you tried asking your GF what she would like you to take?

wheretonow · 17/02/2011 14:37

Me too reality but if you are wrong you risk winning the MN Tw*t Of The Day Award. Op please come back and confirm or deny these assumptions.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 14:37

I'm really confused, although I do know men that do vile objectifying purchasing of women in Thailand have been threatened with death if they don't marry them.

I think given the cultural difference I would strongly advise you to ask the mother.

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 14:38

But i haven;t said that this is the case here.

I actually said that i was assuming tha this wasn't the case and that he was able to speak to her freely.
which is why i feel he would be better off asking her what she would like.

I feel odelay (see how easy it is to read and copy a name?) is getting rather defensive for very little reason. but meh, you get a lot of weirdo's on MN.

OP, my question about how you managed to get her pregnant was because you say you have never been to her country and i would have assumed if you had met in the Uk she would be able to discuss with her prior to her returning toi Laos what it was she would like bought over.

Yes i appreciate that is not entirely on topic but...im nosey intrigued

RealityIsKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 14:40

thumbwitch - asking if he has asked the girlfriend is tantamount to abuse it would seem. you are also clearly bigoted for suggesting it

MmeLindt · 17/02/2011 14:40

Reality
You have no way of knowing what the situation is. You do not know that this man impregnated a local woman while looking for sex. And tbh, even if he had done so, do you condemn him for asking advice on what to buy since he is then presumably taking responsibility for the child.

It is none of our business.

There have been plenty of posts on MN from women who are going to visit overseas relatives who have just had a baby, and asking what to take. Which is what Laos is doing.

Tbh, Laos. I would have a chat with your girlfriend first and find out what she would like. It may be that there are things that we in the West would see as absolutely crucial, but would be useless or not commonly used in Laos.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 14:41

Don't take bottles ff can be contaminated and kill the child.

Be prepared that there will be lots of things you will think of as cruel too.

yogididabooboo · 17/02/2011 14:44

Exactly. There are many things that us western mums would consider vital but in your girlfeinds community would be laughed at for silly wastes of money.

RailwayChild · 17/02/2011 14:49

Reality your post is incredibly presumptuous and rude

Even if it were true, it does not make your posts acceptable

CinnabarRed · 17/02/2011 14:52

You can't give Calpol and Calbuprofen until babies are 2 months old. So no point in taking them if the baby's back in the UK by then. Infacol might be handy though.

There are loads of things that I've used for mine that I know full well aren't vital but do make life considerably easier.... And I didn't know most of them even existed before I had DS1, so wouldn't have known to ask for them even if DP had sought my opinion. And just because a particular produce isn't commonly used in Laos doesn't mean that it wouldn't be appreciated (formula and bottles excepted, as Posie says)

I don't think it's a bad thing for any expectant parent to ask people who already have children what would be good to get.

I choose to interpret the OP as a man who is now trying to do his best for GF and baby, no matter how he came to be in this particular situation.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 17/02/2011 14:52

How fucking insulting to the women of Laos to assume that if they're in a relationship with a Westerner they must be some kind of mailorder bride or sex worker. Jeez, there's been some prime twattery on this thread.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 17/02/2011 14:53

OP overlook the judging in this thread, it's unfounded and rude.

This is a man about to have his first child, is excited about it, supporting the mother of his child and acting in his childs' best interest. There are plenty of men who don't do that. If he was a sex tourist do you really think he'd be asking for advice on his impending ratherhood! He is asking for advice, be respectful ffs!

headfairy · 17/02/2011 15:00

wow things have moved on a bit. Reality I do think you've been a bit harsh on the op, maybe it's the hormones but we have no idea about his circs (apart from the person he pm'd) I'm intrigued but going to take him at face value.

RailwayChild · 17/02/2011 15:03

There are areas of my life which on first glance cause people to leap in an assume stuff.

In order to make people understand the truth of a situation I'd need to give a heap of detail.

Sometimes I just have to accept the hurtful judgements rather than expose my situation. I'd really rather people were less quick to judge

BitOfFun · 17/02/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

4madboys · 17/02/2011 15:14

OMG reality HOW rude and presumptious!!

seriously if it was the opposite way round we would have no issue, we dont know this guys circumstances at all.

back to the op, its your first baby so it makes sense to me that you may ask on a parenting forum what to buy!! we all do that, esp if we want to avoid being conned by mothercare etc.

i am guessing they must have the basics but i echo the small travel cot, tho she may just co-sleep? but its nice to have somewhere to put baby down occasionally!

what are you doing re transport when out there, would you perhaps be able to take a first stage carseat? mothercare do one for £50 (its actually made by and the same as the maxi cosi one but they just put a different fabric on it!) anyhow you may be able to take that as hand luggage and you would then have it to use whilst there adn on the flight home etc? just a thought.

i say YES muslin cloths, essentially with a new baby and maybe some baby basics cotton clothes, vests, those babygowns/nighties very simple and light for the baby to wear.

i think its good that you are being proactive and helpful and it will be a nice suprise for you partner for you to turn up with stuff for the baby, maybe he wants to suprise her? hence not asking her?

a sling would also be nice, ring slings are good and some sites do some designed for warmer climates etc.

some disposable nappies would be good for those early days, but other than the basics like clothes etc i dont think you will need much really, there is so much baby equipment that just isnt necessary at all!

congratulations

headfairy · 17/02/2011 15:48

thinking about this a bit more... of course if she is Laotian she may have totally different ideas and experiences about new borns. We're very in to the whole clean and sterile thing over here, but babies born in rural SE Asia have a very different experience. If she's Western then of course all the creams and what not will be very welcome. Just don't want to insult a different culture by assuming they're all dirty and unhygienic. I've seen women washing their tiny babies in rivers in Borneo, not worried in the slightest about sterilising everything and their children do thrive. Of course they do have a higher infant mortality rate there, but babies do thrive too.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 17/02/2011 16:00

A first stage carseat is a great idea. That little travel cot looks good, too.

Can you actually get disposable nappies in Laos, or are they just very dear? I guess a couple of packs of newborn nappies wouldn't take up much room though.

hellymelly · 17/02/2011 16:09

I have never sterilised anything,if you are breatfeeding then you don't need to.There really isn't much that's essential.Didn't need a buggy until my child was 10m and getting heavy,used a wrap sling until then (very easy to pack!)I would say the really necessary items are :-clothing (underwear,babygros etc),nappies (I imagine you can buy these there).a sling.(again maybe easy to buy locally,but you could get a nice one here)Cotton wool (buy there).Nursin g bras (can she get them easily?).Some sort of baby nappy cream or oil in case of rashes,Weleda is the best I think (any health food shop and some chemists). Really,thats it.All a newborn needs is a clean nappy,clean things to wear,something simple to be carried in and a breast.

hellymelly · 17/02/2011 16:09

h and best of luck ! x

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 16:41

Having visited that part of the world more times than I care to remember I know that many girls are sold (not literally) on the whole 'western man can get them out of poverty' and sometimes the relationship develops out of the mutual benefit. Western man gets a bride that treats him like a King, and the woman gets a ticket out of poverty. Still only like woman all over the world....

Anyhoo, OP it is a bit weird preparing for a baby and asking a forum what to get....all a bit stranger. Seems to me you are about to father a child whose mother you know little about.

ThePosieParker · 17/02/2011 16:43

I think this is all rather tasteless ladies, a man asks us what to get for a woman he barely knows who is carrying his child. Why wouldn't he ask her? None of you have been to Laos and yet we're advising all sorts of shit. Cripes if a Chinese woman told my DH what to get me it would be so far from what I would buy that I would be insulted.

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