What other "Dad" things do I need to learn?

[MavisEnderby]

I am now mum and dad since dp died.So here is a lighthearted thread about the Dad things I have learnt to do since dp is no longer here.Any suggestions for other Dad things I need to learn welcome!

1)Assemble flat pack furniture

Nightmare.It took me 2 hours to put together a CD tower thingummy.(Dp,I know you used to drive me mad with a lot of things at times but I take back all the moaning I did when you used to do all the DIY)

2)Taught ds to ride a bike without stabilisers

A park and lots of time and encouragement needed for this one

3)Taking the bins out

Enough said

4)Taken ds to the football

Not even the team I support.2 hours sat in the cold watching mediocre football in midwinter eeeek

5)Playing football in the park.

DS "You're not really very good at this are you Mum"

6)Assembling Starwars Lego (partially)

Ds "Hmm I think Daddy was much better at this" Big fat fail,we never did manage to fully assemble the Star Wars spaceship thingy.There are about 200 instructions.Crazy

7)Mending the broken Wii

Me "Are you sure we can't just turn it all off and then turn it back on again?"

DS (plaintive wail) "But then I'll lose level 200 (or something) on Lego Harry Potter

By some miracle managed to get it going again

Will add more as they crop up.

Can I add to the rough and tumble recommendation?

You need to know about fighting.

Even mild-mannered Dads have extensive knowledge of such things as a left hook, an upper cut and a jab cross. You may need to do these, and know all the standard blocks. You will also need to be able to do (or at least recognise) basic wrestling holds too (half-nelson, various locks etc). You also need to know the important differences between the major Far Eastern martial arts (aikido has batons, taekwondo involves a lot of kicking, judo has wresting and throwing, karate has chopping, and Kungfu is essentially MMA for kids).

Spending whole afternoons watching WWF is, fortunately, optional.

always keep all the keys from around the house in your pockets (various) and then declare you don't know where the keys are when anyone asks

when outside a window, learn to pretend you are walking down stairs or travelling down an escalator....

At the dinner table, fart loudly then say "pardon me" in burpspeak.

Hang wet towels on the corner of the bathroom door instead of the towel rail. Or leave them on the floor.

Mavis you might want to have a look at this. www.winstonswish.org.uk/ i volunteer and so wish that it had been around when i was a child as my parents both died.

Buy a landrover then you have an excuse for the hobby magazines, tools, radio in the garage, car for the future etc

Listen to Test Match Special religiously

Read the newspaper with the sports pages first

Never put anything in a waste bin. It always has to be lobbed from a distance, like a three point shot in basketball. Commentary and/or cheering crowd sound-effects are compulsory.

Brillant,am loving these.

Another one I've thought of:

Sing very loudly in the car.

Air guitar to classic rock tunes...

Put your DS is odd socks at all opportunities and only save matching socks for special occasions like job interviews, but defintely not weddings.

malachysmum that is funny - my DH actively chooses to wear odd socks!

Jingle change in your pocket.

Describe all alchohol as medicinal.

Learn the art of chin pie.

Never be able to find the green jumper that is actually red - or vice versa.

Philip Larkin

This be the one

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Me

This sorta be the one

He tucks me in, my dear old dad,
he might not mean to, but he do,
he squeezes out the breath I have
and stops my circulation too.

But he was tucked in just the same
by a father in sea captains hat,
and felt the blankets crush his frame,
pulled hard and tight beneath the mat....... tress

Man passes inhumaity onto man
like this bit of bedtime bliss.
Children: wriggle free while you can.
Mother's: buy duvets for your kids.

Hog the remote and watch 'How its made', Scrapheap challenge, Top Gear, 5th gear, Disaster Documentaries all day on your day off. Play 'Knuckles', it really hurts. Put the news on and moan, moan, moan. Get two newspapers on Sunday, just sit there and read them cover to cover and read all the supplements too.

Nothing to it!

you have to watch news, all the time - nothing but news.
it's easy to do - 6o'clock BBC news, 7o'clock Channel 4 news, (now dad's got BBC news 24 he's in heaven!) etc.

never allow DS to watch anything other than the news (unless it's Emmerdale Farm, of course)

Learn how to carry an entire carboot-full of Asda (or other supermarket) bags into the house in one go.

After enjoying a night out, wake all the kids up when you get home and let them come downstairs to share your take-away.

Ask for a spoon, wait for DC to fetch it, as soon as DC sits back down ask for a yoghurt to go with your spoon. Laugh like it's the funniest thing ever.

When faced with the impossible task of feeding the kids produce a meal of a banana sandwich each followed by a bag of crisps followed by tinned rice pudding and peaches. It's three courses of pure taste that is.

Have water fights in the Summer and always be the one to start them. Send DC to the corner shop and while you're alone in the house rig the hose-pipe up so that the nozzle is directly behind the letter box. When DC returns and opens the letter box to knock on the door, turn on the tap. Turn it off again, open the door, fling the water balloons. Game on DC, game on.

Take DC camping, just before bed tell a "really good" story involving the blood-thirsty ghost of a murderous farmer. Be sure to mention that he lived on a farm much like the one next door to where you're camping, reassure DC by saying though that you "don't think it's the same one, maybe". Be very annoyed/amused when DC refuses to sleep.

If you want to pretend you know how to do stuff round the house, ask on DIYnot.com first. Don't tell them you're a woman as they get overexcited.

Mavis try this. X

Saggy - that looks brilliant, but I thought one of the first rules of being a bloke dad was never, ever, under any circumstances read the manual?

Aah, but Haynes manuals are different! Real blokes read Haynes manuals so they can fix their own cars and look hard!

Haven't read the whole thread but you need to know what "torque" is.

Tickle madly just before bedtime.

Be obsessed with the weather forecast for at least ten days before camping holidays. Follow at least two different ones - one met office derived one and one other. They will be different. Huff and puff about this a lot. Change the expected destination at the last moment purely on the basis of the latest forecast.

Read stories like Goldilocks with a really gruff daddy bear voice and a really falsetto baby bear voice. Be able to interchange voices at the drop of a story book.

Find many ways to avoid having to talk about "that sort of thing", and when you can put it off no more, use a very interesting and wide ranging selection of cliques and euphemisms that will only serve to confuse. Do this while doing something "manly" to avoid having to look your child in the eye.

Dads seem to know about war - maybe it starts with cowboy films and the difference between a pistol and a revolver.

You need to understand the difference between a tank and an APC, a HIP and a Hind, a Chinook and an Apache, an F16 and a C130, a destroyer and a frigate, a major and a colonel, an AK47 and an SA80. It will help if you build lots of Airfix models together.

You should also be able to quote extensively from classic war films, especially Zulu.

Haynes manuals can also be conveniently left in the loo for casual reading material in between them being used for their stated purpose and sworn at for their distressingly inaccurate descriptions of what's actually involved. They are of more use as the former than the latter. They're not known as the Haynes Books Of Lies for nothing.

Oh yes! Read on the loo! For ages!

YY! Head for the loo with the paper under your arm and say 'I'm just going outside and I may be some time.' in the manner of Capt Oates.