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Poetry Workshop/Exercise 1

71 replies

Janstar · 04/05/2004 15:49

Hi there, poets!

I hope to cover many many aspects of poetry writing here, but bit by bit and gently.

I am planning to give constructive criticism to help you improve on your poetry. If I can't be constructive, I will not speak, I promise!

There are many definitions of what a poem is. My interpretation is that it is the quintessence of an idea. There are many 'rules' to poetry writing, but every single one may be broken if your construction 'works'. Largely this is about what sounds right and what doesn't, and instinct plays a big part in this. What I hope to be able to do is to back up this instinct with some suggestions for what to do about it.

A thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary are both extremely useful tools for a poet to use.

Poems need not rhyme or scan, but they may do either or both. If they do rhyme or scan, care must be taken that they do not sound 'nursery rhymish'. If they neither rhyme nor scan, care must be taken to elevate the language so that they do not simply sound like prose.

For the first exercise, write a short poem about something you think beautiful. Pay careful attention to your choice of words. Make it as concise as possible by cutting out all extraneous words while keeping your meaning.

OP posts:
popsycal · 04/05/2004 19:22

Hi Jan
Do we have a deadline? I like deadlines......

BTW thanks for starting this up!
Pops xx

spacemonkey · 04/05/2004 19:23

Yes, thank you jan. Are we expected to post our writing on this thread?

Janstar · 04/05/2004 20:29

Yes, post on this thread. I'll try and respond as you go along, and I'll start a new exercise once or twice a week. How's that?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 04/05/2004 20:30

gulp ... ok!

glitterfairy · 05/05/2004 10:15

Here goes see what you think be kind this has been in my head in various forms for some time and is a first stab.
Rosa asleep
I lie and watch you asleep
You are beautiful in the dappled light of morning
Downy rounded limbs
Eyelashes tickling your cheek dark and lush
Your cheek smooth peach satin
Breathing slowly
Smiling slightly
You are in your own world away from me
Come back awake here to me now

ghengis · 05/05/2004 10:25

Glitterfairy, you made me cry. That is so beautiful and something all mothetrs can identify with. Off to find a tissue....!

Janstar · 05/05/2004 11:04

Hi Glitterfairy

Thank you for being the first person to entrust your poem to me!

This is fabulous for a first effort, full of heart and delicious words and phrases. It has atmosphere and that lilting poetic sound that we strive to acheive.

I have a mental picture of Rosa now, which you have managed to create with a careful choice of words.

'Breathing slowly
Smiling slightly'

These are two very good lines. They say a lot in four short words and have rhythm and alliteration too.

Is 'Rosa Asleep' the title? I think it should be, it works very well as a title. I would then change the word 'asleep' on line 2 to 'sleep', to avoid repeating the word.

Similarly I would take out the second 'your cheek' as it has already been said.

I would split some of the lines to give a more even flow.

I don't like the last line, it doesn't have the lyrical sound of the rest of the poem, and would change it slightly.

Rosa Asleep

I lie and watch you sleep.
You are beautiful
in morning's dappled light.
Downy rounded limbs,
Eyelashes tickling your cheek,
dark and lush,
smooth peach satin.
Breathing slowly,
smiling slightly,
you are in your own world,
away from me.
Awake, come back to me now.

I think the last line needs a little more strength, you might want to think about that. But you have written a fine poem, it just needed a little editing.

Always remember, your poem is yours, and if you don't like what I say, don't take any notice! Poetry is a very individual thing.

OP posts:
popsycal · 05/05/2004 11:39

I guess we are all predictably going to write about our children....

popsycal · 05/05/2004 11:40

PS love your poem glitterfairy - brave of you to be first

spacemonkey · 05/05/2004 11:43

Yes, your poem is lovely GF and I echo popsy - brave of you to go for it and post!

I've been thinking a lot about this exercise, and I really don't think I can bring myself to post. The stuff I'm writing is very personal, and I just don't feel comfortable about posting it in such a public place, one to one would be ok.

popsycal · 05/05/2004 11:44

I kind of echo what SM is saying....
Don't mind sharing other stuff - 'the neighbours' etc but poems somehow feel 'different'

Does that sound odd?

spacemonkey · 05/05/2004 11:49

doesn't sound odd to me pops!

Janstar · 05/05/2004 12:03

If you would like my input you are welcome to email me for a crit.

Much of what I was planning for us to write about would be impersonal things - light verse etc. Why not join in as and when you wish?

I do understand what you mean though. For some people too much analysis spoils poetry.

However, if you want to improve your skills you have to have a certain amount of it.

OP posts:
popsycal · 05/05/2004 12:05

It is not the analysis I am bothered about - I would really REALLY appreciate your input.

I WILL post my poem here (if I ever get it done!) but it does feel very different to posting the other exercises so far.

Janstar · 05/05/2004 12:08

You could always hold back your personal stuff and write something less personal to post if you feel more comfortable with that.

I think we all agree that glitterfairy has written something to be proud of though. I'm glad she wanted to share it

OP posts:
popsycal · 05/05/2004 12:21

rhyming dictionary that may be of use

spacemonkey · 05/05/2004 12:28

I'm not worried about the analysis either janstar - I welcome it. I will join in, it just happens that the stuff I've written in the last couple of days has been too personal for public consumption!

popsycal · 05/05/2004 12:39

Ok

This is a first draft written in a short space of time (30 mins with distractions in between!.

No title yet - about my son

Deep blue pools
Intensely fixed
Draw in my gaze.

Lightest touch
Gently brushed
Enlightens my days.

Lilting tones
Faltering phrase
Heart skips a beat.

Sleepy smile
Gentle kiss
Makes me complete.

Am postposing clicking on 'Post message' here
argh
here goes

popsycal · 05/05/2004 13:00

don't like the word 'makes' in the last line...any suggestions?

Heathcliffscathy · 05/05/2004 13:06

can i cheat a bit and post the one i wrote for spring has sprung, i'd love some feedback on it: wrote it at 2am on an ad in a magazine next to the bed:

My boy's feet
Too big
Flippers
But perfect, wrinkled, new
I kiss them

My baby
Feeling grass with his feet for the first time

This is what Spring means this year

is this a poem? i'm not happy with the ending in that the meaning i want to convey is there, but i think the expression is clumsey...any feedback?

spacemonkey · 05/05/2004 13:10

Two more lovely poems

I would just get rid of that last line that you're not happy with soph

the meaning is in the poem, no need to declare it at the end?

maomao · 05/05/2004 13:47

Janstar, thanks for doing this.

Everyone's poems are so good that I'm finding it hard to be able to put one down myself.

Sophable, it's so good to know that you scribble on bits and pieces in the middle of the night, too! The image of your son's feet is wonderful!

Popsy, I love the rhythm of your poem. What is it about "makes" that you don't like? You could try "I feel complete," but not sure that is what you're going for at all.

Glitterfairy, your daughter sounds lovely. You weave such a strong and peaceful vision of her.

Here's a poem about writing poems:

Words
tucked themselves
into the pockets of my sleep

They fell out
all night
long

I can't seem to make it flow properly, really. But I guess it's a start....

popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:06

which sounds best?

Sleepy smile
Gentle kiss
Makes me complete.

or

Gentle kiss
Sleepy smile
Makes me complete.

popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:06

i prefer the second but am unsure why....

Angeliz · 05/05/2004 15:11

Love these, may try one myself later

Popsy, how about
"we are complete"

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