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Original poster

Poetry Workshop/Exercise 1

71 replies

Janstar · 04/05/2004 15:49

Hi there, poets!

I hope to cover many many aspects of poetry writing here, but bit by bit and gently.

I am planning to give constructive criticism to help you improve on your poetry. If I can't be constructive, I will not speak, I promise!

There are many definitions of what a poem is. My interpretation is that it is the quintessence of an idea. There are many 'rules' to poetry writing, but every single one may be broken if your construction 'works'. Largely this is about what sounds right and what doesn't, and instinct plays a big part in this. What I hope to be able to do is to back up this instinct with some suggestions for what to do about it.

A thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary are both extremely useful tools for a poet to use.

Poems need not rhyme or scan, but they may do either or both. If they do rhyme or scan, care must be taken that they do not sound 'nursery rhymish'. If they neither rhyme nor scan, care must be taken to elevate the language so that they do not simply sound like prose.

For the first exercise, write a short poem about something you think beautiful. Pay careful attention to your choice of words. Make it as concise as possible by cutting out all extraneous words while keeping your meaning.

OP posts:
popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:11

i LOVE we are complete
thanks angeliz

popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:12

Deep blue pools
Intensely fixed
Draw in my gaze.

Lightest touch
Gently brushed
Enlightens my days.

Lilting tones
Faltering phrase
Heart skips a beat.

Gentle kiss
We are complete.

popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:12

bugger

popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:13

Deep blue pools
Intensely fixed
Draw in my gaze.

Lightest touch
Gently brushed
Enlightens my days.

Lilting tones
Faltering phrase
Heart skips a beat.

Gentle kiss
Sleepy smile
We are complete.

Original poster
Janstar · 05/05/2004 15:14

Popsycal...

Lovely little portrait, kept in strict confines of short lines and limited syllables. The choice of language is lyrical and soft and the rhymes in the final lines work very well without being obtrusive. You don't have any extraneous words here, no 'the' and so on that could be eliminated, so you have pared it down to it's essence, which is what we want to see!

I'm not sure about the use of 'lightest' and 'enlightens' in the same stanza, personally I think 'enlightens' is the wrong word - since the meaning is to do with being better informed rather than the sense of becoming lighter. I would change that word, maybe to 'enlivens' or 'illumes' or whatever you think.

'Heart skips a beat' is a little cliched, although I must admit to being very picky in this instance. I don't find it jarring in this case but if you want the poem to be the best it can be I would either find another way to say it, or twist the cliche slightly to make it your own. I know this is a little awkward because you don't want to lose the rhyme, but something maybe along the lines of 'I skip a beat' - or whatever you think.

I agree that 'makes me complete' is not quite right. Maomao has a good suggestion, the phrase I had in mind was 'I am complete', which is a good strong closing line.

Titles can add to a poem but it isn't always necessary to have one.

For a 30 minute draft I think this is a brilliant result.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 05/05/2004 15:16

BTW I was writing that while you posted all these versions so I didn't see them till now.

OP posts:
popsycal · 05/05/2004 15:18

jan - thanks for you swift and constructive feedback - i agree on all counts!

off to redraft!

Original poster
Janstar · 05/05/2004 15:26

Sophable...

This poem is a gentle snapshot of a mother enjoying her new baby. It is fortified by the weaving in of the newness of spring and the hope of new life which runs alongside the portrait of the new little life that is the baby.

It is most definitely a poem!

I like the first stanza just as it is and would not change a word of it.

The line, 'Feeling grass...' is slightly too long and a little unpoetic sounding, it needs rephrasing into something a little shorter and more lyrical. I think this should become the final line of the poem. I would take the line 'What spring means...' and make it into a title for the poem.

Wouldn't we all like to scribble something as good as this at 2 am?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 05/05/2004 17:23

Janstar and everyone thank you have just read all this and weirdly had same thoughts about the word asleep and some of the repeated words. Will try again later when I have time. My Business parnter had also said exactly the same as you when he read it Actually lurking was the description to check up on me when I was supposed to be working hard but day dreaming and writing poems! I am really pleased that you all liked it and can see Rosa! I loved yours too sophable and popsycal. THis felt really good to do and I really enjoyed it off to do more adn work on first draft! Thanks

popsycal · 05/05/2004 19:37

Janstar and fellow workshop-ees,

here is the edited version but I am struggling with the 'heart skips a beat' bit.....

Deep blue pools
Intensely fixed
Draw in my gaze.

Lightest touch
Gently brushed
Brightens my days.

Lilting tones
Falteringly phrased
Heart skips a beat.

Gentle kiss
Sleepy smile
We are complete

any thoughts....
may have to totally rework the 3rd stanza...or the rhyme of 3rd and 4th

glitterfairy · 05/05/2004 19:45

Popsycal think its the falteringly. Perhaps another word would sort this out because I like the heart skips a beat it feels like a missed beat in the stanza.

popsycal · 05/05/2004 19:46

glitterfairy - it was orginally going to be clumsily phrased....
but i thought that was too....er.... clumsily phrased!!
argh

popsycal · 05/05/2004 19:52

for the 3rd stanza - i am trying to get across just how lovely it is when he tries to speak but can't quite say the words and stumbles and misprounounces
and how that is imperfect but yet perfect

as said in 'Antony and cleopatra' - defect perfection

ooooh i do like my oxymorons.....

AussieSim · 05/05/2004 21:17

Sorry for delay in participation - I am offline with virus troubles and have just jumped on my DH's laptop. I must say that it is with strong feelings of trepidation that I put this 5 minute effort out there, but here goes ...

Where is home?

Late June I shall be homeward bound
not yet can I feel joy
What once I found so strange and grey
I now have grown to love

The rolling r's and guttural g's
now fall off my own tongue
this is where my baby drew first breath
where all my new friends were found

(I don't like the cliched 'grown to love' but can't quickly think of something else. I would like it all to rhyme, but ...)

TIA Janstar

Heathcliffscathy · 06/05/2004 09:58

What Spring means this year

My boy's feet
Too big
Flippers
But perfect, wrinkled, new
I kiss them

Small old man
grey feet
explore
touch wet new grass
and flinch with joy

what about that?

mao mao i love the image of words falling out all night...just love it.
popsycal, gorgeous poem, i can't do rhyming at all...
aussiesim, this is great. the only change i'd consider is perhaps using more direct language eg: there is no joy yet...but then thinking about it that would change the style, I love what you are conveying so much, the second stanza is superb.

Original poster
Janstar · 06/05/2004 10:38

Maomao, I think there is nothing wrong with the flow of your poem. It is fine as it is but I think it needs a title, so that the reader understands that it is about writing a poem.

If you wanted to make it a little quirky you could add three words on the 4th line, eg. 'They fell out in my dreams' - that would give your poem symmettry in the number of words in the lines - If you centre align it I think it is called a 'lantern'. This can also be worked by counting syllables.

But, it would be fine just to leave it as it is. It's imaginative and lyrical, I like it very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 06/05/2004 11:25

Popsycal, Aussiesim and Sophable...

Sorry I am having a few problems at home today, but I will post regarding your poems later today or tomorrow - asap.

My 3 yr old ds is ill and wants to be held, dd1 is giving me a lot of grief and I have a test on Monday for which I need to revise. I also have to prepare and give a cake decorating lesson for dd1's D of E this afternoon. I'm looking forward to that peaceful moment when I can think only about poetry - can't wait!

OP posts:
popsycal · 06/05/2004 11:26

janstar - hope you day gets easier

please don't worry about feedback - we appreciate it WHENEVER
thanks again

maomao · 06/05/2004 12:16

Janstar,

Thanks very much for your input! I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. Hope you get some time to yourself later. Thanks again for finding time to do this.

AussieSim · 06/05/2004 12:31

No pressure Janstar, whenever you can get to it is fine by me. Hope things improve for you.

Heathcliffscathy · 06/05/2004 14:18

never never never pressure from here janstar: defeats the whole point imo...you poor thing, hope ds gets better soon...

Original poster
Janstar · 06/05/2004 21:26

Aussiesim...

This is a good idea for a poem, capturing the confusion of the poet as she is torn between two locations which are like an old love and a new.

The language is fairly prosaic, but I don't think it matters too much in this case, it seems to work. The language is direct and gets to the point, and the lines have rhythm. In fact you have perfect scansion in the first six lines, but the last two have one or two syllables too many. That is something you could easily fix with a little adjustment to the wording.

'the place where baby drew first breath
where my new friends were found', for example.

However you do need to be careful with this kind of rhythm that sometimes it can sound a little 'jingly'. Your wording has to make it rise above that

As for the rhyming, I couldn't get by without my rhyming dictionary. If you want your poem to stand out, a good idea is to use unusual rhymes. As my tutor always says, don't rhyme moon with June, rhyme it with octoroon if you want an impressive poem.

If you don't like 'grown to love', find another way of expressing what you want to say. Fiddle around with it a bit if you know what I mean.

'grown to love' 'grown to like' 'found I love' 'learned to love' etc..

Finally, I don't think you have a strong ending to the poem and would like to see another stanza added with a poignant line at the end describing how torn in two you are!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 06/05/2004 21:27

I hope that came out okay, I have just realised how shattered I am and dh has just got home so I am off.

I'll do the other tomorrow. Night night.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 07/05/2004 07:16

Hope you got some sleep Janstar and are feeling refreshed. Thank you for all your help and here is my second try.

Rosa Asleep

I lie and watch you sleep.
You are beautiful
in morning's dappled light.
Downy rounded limbs,
Eyelashes tickling your cheek,
dark and lush,
smooth peach satin skin.
Breathing slowly,
smiling slightly,
you are in your own world,
away from me.
Your eyes open
look at me
smile
and reach for my embrace.

Not sure about the word embrace but watned to convey that moment when she wakes up and almost always turns towards me for a cuddle and hug. She gets very snuggly and warm.

Original poster
Janstar · 07/05/2004 09:47

Popsycal...

Using a thesaurus I've found some alternative phrases to 'heart skips a beat' - it all depends whether you like any of them!

Heart jigs a beat
Heart cuts a beat
Heart's can-can beat
Heart jumps a beat
Heart palters beat (this one is good because of the internal rhyming with faltering)

Or you could change 'a beat' to 'the beat'.

Heart dance the beat

These are just a few of hundreds of alternatives you can find in a thesaurus.

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