Poetry Workshop/Exercise 1

[Janstar]

Hi there, poets!

I hope to cover many many aspects of poetry writing here, but bit by bit and gently.

I am planning to give constructive criticism to help you improve on your poetry. If I can't be constructive, I will not speak, I promise!

There are many definitions of what a poem is. My interpretation is that it is the quintessence of an idea. There are many 'rules' to poetry writing, but every single one may be broken if your construction 'works'. Largely this is about what sounds right and what doesn't, and instinct plays a big part in this. What I hope to be able to do is to back up this instinct with some suggestions for what to do about it.

A thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary are both extremely useful tools for a poet to use.

Poems need not rhyme or scan, but they may do either or both. If they do rhyme or scan, care must be taken that they do not sound 'nursery rhymish'. If they neither rhyme nor scan, care must be taken to elevate the language so that they do not simply sound like prose.

For the first exercise, write a short poem about something you think beautiful. Pay careful attention to your choice of words. Make it as concise as possible by cutting out all extraneous words while keeping your meaning.

Sophable...

Yes, I do like the second version of your poem. It was a good idea to open up the second stanza, it has made all the difference.

My only quibble is, do you really need the 'and' on the final line? IMO it is stronger without it, but it's not a big issue.

The business of kissing the feet is so symbolic and gives an extra layer of meaning to this poem.

Glitterfairy...

I think the second draft is much better. Personally, I don't think the word 'skin' is necessary. We know that we are describing her cheek, and it doesn't enhance the rhythm at all, so I could take that out.

I also think the last stanza flows much better without the line 'look at me'. You don't need it, if Rosa wakes up and reaches for you then we know she must have looked at you.

Read it out both ways and you might see what I mean.

Basically I think this poem is finished Nice work!

Ok... Now some feedback for me! Did you find that helpful or am I too much of a taskmaster? Do you want more?

Janstar it is enormously helpful not taskmaster at all mistress maybe Your critique is brilliant and made me watn to re write when often I am too lazy!

I look across at my old photo frame,
Its there when I look, and when I don't.
Its always been the same.
Its broken on one side, I dont care, it's mine.

In it there is a picture of you,
The boy I fell in love with, The man I married.
Then you were younger, Now your older.

Behind your picture there are letters,
Ones you wrote to me, Ones I'll always keep.
You told me you'd love me forever, you've kept your promise.

The old photo frame sits by my bed, I lie looking at it and your face.
The suns streaming in, the warmth fills my heart.
You turn to kiss me, I've loved you from the start.

My old photo frame remains the same,
old and broken but will always be loved anyway.

'slightly embarassed'....what do you think?...runs away quickly covering ears before anyone can laugh......

mothernature, that has made me cry so I will have to calm down a bit before I say any more...

It is well known that I am as soft as s*e

That was fantastic mothernature really moving. I am abit hard but felt prickles at the back of my eye. Wow have you shown it to him!

wonderful wonderful gorgeous mothernature...am really moved...publishable imo

janstar: fantastic feedback, of course the 'and' shouldn't be there...i could go for more (i.e. you can be harder if you feel like it), you're criticism is great...really really valued here

Mothernature...

This is a fine poem, you obviously have a feel for poetry writing. It's very moving, as I've said, it made me cry, and judging by what others have said I am not the only one.

All it needs is a little pruning, there are a few words which are extraneous and do not particularly add anything, so I would take them out. The more pared-down a poem is, the better.

I look across at my old photo frame,
Its there when I look, and when I don't.
Its always been the same.
broken on one side, I dont care, it's mine.

In it is a picture of you,
The boy I fell in love with, The man I married.
Then younger, Now older.

Behind your picture are letters,
Ones you wrote to me, Ones I'll always keep.
You said you'd love me forever, you kept your promise.

The old photo frame sits by my bed, I lie looking at it and your face.
sun's streaming in, warmth fills my heart.
You turn to kiss me, I've loved you from the start.

My old photo frame remains the same,
old and broken but will always be loved anyway.

In the last line, I would also take out 'anyway' since it weakens the line. You do need to take out one or two 'old's as well. Especially one of the last two.

Fantastic poem!

Where is home? (take 2)

Late June I shall be homeward bound,
not yet can I feel joy.
What once I found so strange and grey,
I now have learned to love.

The rolling r's and guttural g's
now fall off my own tongue.
The place where baby drew first breath,
where my new friends were found.

The inlaws were at first a challenge,
so formal and so blunt.
Now we have gold medal grandparents,
to leave them seems so wrong.

Blue sky, warm sand, beckon me home.
Deep roots in this old land.
How can I say goodbye to here,
take some joy and stay strong?

Thanks very much Janstar for your input. I am very encouraged. I am not sure about punctuation either. Your feedback on the 2 new stanzas will be gratefully received. I don't know why when I write poetry this prosaic stuff comes out. I tried to tone it down a little in the new stanzas.

Final (i think) draft of poem

'Just us'

Deep blue pools
Intensely fixed
Draw in my gaze.

Lightest touch
Gently brushed
Brightens my days.

Lilting tones
Faltering phrase
Heart jumps a beat.

Gentle kiss
Sleepy smile
We are complete

Aussiesim...

The addition of the two new stanzas has rounded out the poem very well. The two longer lines in the third stanza do upset the rhythm a little as they are one syllable longer than their counterparts in the other stanzas. This could easily be remedied with a little re-jigging, for example:

Now we have gold medal grandparents

could become

Now we've gold medal grandparents

And

The inlaws were at first a challenge

could become

The inlaws were hard work at first

The last line doesn't sound quite right. Last lines are tricky business, they have to be right for the poem to work. It just sounds a little clumsy, but it is almost there. I might suggest something but I don't want to write it for you

On the whole I think you have acheived the feeling of poignancy here - that sense of not really knowing where you belong now that you have grown to think of two places as home.

Popsycal...

You've arrived

Where is home? (take 3)

Late June I shall be homeward bound,
not yet can I feel joy.
What once I found so strange and grey,
I now have learned to love.

The rolling r's and guttural g's
now fall off my own tongue.
The place where baby drew first breath,
where my new friends were found.

The inlaws were hard work at first,
so formal and so blunt.
Now we've gold medal grandparents,
to leave them seems so wrong.

Blue sky, warm sand, beckon me home.
Deep roots in this cold land.
How can I say goodbye to here?
Hold me tight mein Schatz.

Thanks for your guidance and suggestions Janstar. I've tweaked a little, accepted your suggestions and rewritten the last line. What do you think?

What does it mean?

janstar
I've arrived?

is that a compliment?

Oh sorry, mein Schatz is literally - My Treasure, term of endearment like, Sweetheart or Honey or whatever. Too obscure? Back to the drawing board ...

Popsy...yes!!!

Aussiesim...it's fine if you understand German but otherwise it's a blank, if you see what I mean!

Janstar, thanks for you kind words and all of you who placed a message, sorry I didn't come back as our computer crashed....grrr..we have now got hings back on line as you can see, no I haven't shown him the poem ..yet.. I will try to re do as you suggested..thanks again xx

awh just had to ressurect this thread as I am printing out my poem for ds's second birthday next week

feel all emotional!!

just refound this...love that mothers write fantastic poetry