Reporting a rape years later

[User46]

Namechange because of extremely sensitive subject.

I finally found the courage to report being raped 15 years ago.

It feels like such a relief. Even if it doesn’t make it to court, just the fact that I reported it and that it’s on permanent record has freed me from something I’ve been carrying around without even fully realising.

But I am troubled by the attitude of my most recent ex and also another friend I had confided in. They both advised me not to report it because it was a case of he said she said and that the experience of reporting and subsequent court case would be more stress than it’s worth, or words to that effect.

After many years of accepting this way of thinking from my ex, I eventually found the strength to leave him. He may have had my best interests at heart but he clearly wasn’t listening to me. Or understanding that reporting a crime committed against you is not only about getting justice. Sometimes the world doesn’t work that way, sometimes fairness doesn’t come into it when it comes to the law and legal loopholes. But it’s just as much about knowing that you respected yourself enough to report it to the authorities.

I have distanced myself from my female friend who also advised me to keep quiet. She was concerned about the stigma of being a rape victim and whether or not I would be believed in the first place.

No. No no no no NO!!! The shame is on the rapist, not me. Whether or not I am believed, or whether there is enough evidence to go to court is not the point. I WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

Well done. I'm sorry for what happened to you, and I'm glad you feel some relief from reporting it.

Good on you. A friend of mine is doing the same.

I think the important thing is your rapist if he’s known will be having an unpleasant time right now, so whatever the outcome it’s worth it.

If you don’t mind sharing, how far is your friend in the process?

Our DD finally reported one 7 years after the event despite me and hedad urging her for t least 6 years to do it.
Despite the perpetrator being known to the police and having at least 4 other women reporting it, CPS decided it didn't reach the threshold for a charge.
DD is tenacious and was awarded £17k from a victim fund.
He now has an entry that will show up if someone does a Clares law report.

@Mydogisagentleman Really glad for your DD. it’s not the ideal outcome but at least she got some financial relief in the end.

What happened to him? was he arrested and questioned before the case was dropped?

Well done OP you are very brave. I was attacked by a stranger 35 years ago, I contacted the police the next morning who were obviously terrible, blamed me and did nothing. That was it. I’ve spent the last ten years thinking I should report it again, I live in a different part of the country in a different era so I would hope I would be treated differently this time around.

@OneNewEagle

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and then with the police. Yes I think times have changed and my experience with reporting it has meant the world of relief for me. If you feel that you are able to, please report it again.

It’s exactly the sort of experience you had 35 years ago that perpetuates the fear of reporting sexual attacks. It’s plain wrong. And society got it so very wrong. And the attackers get away with it.

NO.

Great to have it reported and in the system, Op. I'm glad you feel some relief.

im still coming to terms with the psychology behind my ex’s aversion to me having thought about reporting the attack for many years.

why did he talk me out of it? Why didn’t he want me to find the courage to make a really important step in my recovery from the trauma?

i am wondering whether it actually suited him to keep me in a state of frozen trauma. That way I was easier to control

Well done for reporting it. You’re very brave.

Times have changed in the police and the CPS regarding sexual crimes. Look up Operation Soteria. The police are encouraged to send most cases to the CPS now and the CPS are more inclined to charge.

That’s really helpful to know. I don’t know even how far I would feel able to cope with taking it but this is the first step for me.

I’ve started a separate thread on relationships because the main thing I’m trying to make sense of is my ex-partners role in all of this.

Well done OP, and I think it’s important to keep that thought process - even if nothing comes off it, you told your story.

You never know, this person may have previous and your statement can make all the difference. It’ll also show up on any Claire’s Law searches so you can find comfort in that for any other woman that goes near them.

Well done @User46

Im so glad you’ve found your strength to not be silenced anymore.

You have nothing to be ashamed about, only your vile attacker does.

I hope you can find the power to live a happy healthy life as your biggest revenge against this absolute loser.

Your trauma does not get to define you and the rest of your life.

I posted this on your other thread. Well done finding the courage to report.

Reporting rape can carry a lot of significance depending on what the person reporting hopes will happen. For some it does bring closure and a feeling of strength even if the report goes no further or the accused person is never charged or convicted. The process of reporting is enough for the victim to feel they’ve used their power.
For others, it compounds an existing trauma. If the report goes no further it can leave victims feeling not believed and invalidated, or retelling what happened is traumatising for them. A tiny proportion of reports end in conviction, so it can feel futile.
For many women there’s no way of knowing how they’ll experience reporting until after it happens. You know your ex, was he generally quite controlling.
As someone who has both personal and professional experience I would encourage women to think carefully about why they might report, what they hope the outcome might be and how they may feel if the outcome is different.

I'm glad you found relief in coming forward. That was very brave of you.

i am wondering whether it actually suited him to keep me in a state of frozen trauma. That way I was easier to control

That is a possibility. There are people who discourage it because how you are suits them and don't want the inconvenience of court or the potential changes going through this may have.

I've also seen people discourage it because of a distrust in the system, genuine concerns that the court experience will be more pain than its worth, and, sadly, a dismissive attitude that if you can avoid the rapist and it's not going to happen again, especially after so long, why bother. Especially with what would be professionally called historic cases, many face that kind of discouragement.

I work in a role where part of it is supporting rape victims at court. I wouldn't discourage reporting, but I would recommend it with the mindset you already appear to have - report because of the benefit to you of getting it on record without expectation of what comes later. That's largely out of your hands.

If it gets to court - yes, crimes like this do at court end up as he said/she said, but that can be enough. I've worked a lot of historical sexual crime cases, some 40+ years old, and while it is often very difficult to get to the standard of making at least 10 people certain, I have seen convictions on cases many thought couldn't get there.

IME, it tends to come down to how the perpetrator appears while they're in the dock and in the box. IME, the more they lose their mask of civility, whether it's looking smug or making faces in the dock or losing their cool when they're questioned, the more likely the jury will see something that makes them certain that they did it. A good prosecutor will be able to help to show your evidence in the most convincing light and keep their calm while pushing a perpetrator to expose themselves.

While ensuring victims have good support before they give evidence is important so the jury can hear your experience well (my best advice is to have a go-to for when the defence starts asking questions that feel like you're being called a liar, a firm 'I disagree' or 'No, that's not true' that you can hold to during that difficult time and even though it may feel awkward, ask for breaks if you feel it would help you, the court staff will understand), how the perpetrator acts IME has far more of an impact than if a victim says they can't remember or other things that IME victims often worry and blame themselves when they feel they haven't done well enough. Few come out of the witness box feeling like they've done well.

I'm glad you reported.

You have almost a nill chance of getting a charge let alone it going to court.

Sadly those are the likely facts.

People who have been telling you that were more than likely doing that in your best interest.

If it makes you feel better I'm glad but that doesn't mean people advising you not to had nefarious intentions.

It's on record for you but might not be for the person you reported depending on if you knew them and so on.

Thanks so much for this. For me, just reporting it gave me back a peice of myself that my attacker took. I am reclaiming a part of my lost power by refusing to remain silent. I have no expectation that it will go any further than a report and statement but if that’s as far as it goes, it is still an incredibly liberating experience for me

I know the person and this person is already known to the police

He was arrested several times. However, I think that because such a l9ng time had passed and they were in a relationship, CPS didn't think it had a chance.
I still am hopeful that the useless, thick cunt is badly beaten.
Every time I hear of a murder or fatal RTC, I hope it's him

was your dd informed each time the police arrested him?