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Victims of crime

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Original poster

Mum going to prison - what to tell children and when/how?

76 replies

chocolatekimmy · 02/02/2020 21:32

Hello

My close friend has been charged with death by dangerous driving. She caused the death of the driver of another car last year through a mistake - she thought she was on a dual carriageway (and was overtaking a car) when she was in fact on a single carriage way. Its one of those A roads where it switches from dual to single for a long stretch. It was night time and she wasn't under the influence or speeding or using her phone etc. She has no other driving or any other criminal offences on record.

She accepts full responsibility for what she has done and she has been honest from the start. She expects to, and is preparing to be sent to prison.

The children know she was hurt in an accident a year ago but they don't know that mum caused the death of another person. They've probably forgot all about it now. They are 11 and 8.

The question is, how on earth does she/husband tell them that mum may go to prison. The hearing date isn't confirmed but it could be towards the end of this month/early March.

Also, are there any organisations out there that can help families in this situation?

OP posts:
z0fl0ra · 05/02/2020 11:06

I don’t have any advice but Flowers and bump

Coldhandscoldheart · 05/02/2020 11:32

Nacro.org.uk
Prisonersfamilies.org has a helpline 0808 808 2003

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2020 11:36

I'd maybe not tell the kids at this stage until she is sure she is going to jail. This seems like an accident, from what you've written, albeit one she's caused. Is her solicitor telling her a jail sentence is a given?

If it's not a given then I'd not be telling the kids she's definitely going to jail. But I think explaining to them about the accident is prudent.

HavelockVetinari · 05/02/2020 11:41

It would be very unusual for a parent to be imprisoned for something like that - a suspended sentence, a fine and/or community service would be far more usual.

tenlittlecygnets · 05/02/2020 11:56

it would be very unusual for a parent to be imprisoned for something like that

Really, @havelock? For killing someone by dangerous driving? If one of my loved ones was killed by someone like that I'd bloody well hope for a custodial sentence for the person who killed them.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 05/02/2020 11:58

So the law treats parents more favourably than non-parents? OK.

gypsywater · 05/02/2020 12:01

Wtaf PP! It may have been accidental but this is obscenely dangerous driving and there is no way on earth she wont be serving time. She was driving in the wrong lane!

PatellarTendonitis · 05/02/2020 12:02

She doesn't even know if she's going to prison yet, though. I'd not keep this from the children and contact a prisoner family charity for advice. Personally I think the sentences for this type of offence are far too short. I don't think she'll go to prison though. A 21-year-old in Scotland killed a 15-year-old who was at a pelican crossing, convicted of death by dangerous driving and didn't get sent to prison.

seltaeb · 05/02/2020 12:03

These are the sentencing guidelines:
www.sentencingcouncil.org.uk/offences/crown-court/item/causing-death-by-dangerous-driving/
A prison sentence is likely, the term would be reduced for a guilty plea.

I would not tell the children until much nearer the actual date of sentencing. There was a thread on here a while ago about going to prison and what to take etc, but I don't know how to find it.

Elbeagle · 05/02/2020 12:03

What an awful situation for everyone involved.
My cousin was recently killed on the road by a driver who was using their phone. He was charged with death by dangerous driving, but found guilty of the lesser offence of ‘death by careless driving’. He will not go to prison, he has received a lengthy ban but that is all.
Like a PP says, I would not tell them she is going to prison until they know that is definitely the case. However I think they do need to discuss the accident with their children, and let them know she will be going to court and is facing repercussions.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 12:06

The 11 year old will hear playground gossip when it comes close to sentencing time, if they don't hear about it on the local news first, so I think it's important that they know the facts.

I'm not exactly sure how they'd explain it because we don't know what their understanding of accident etc is.

Unusualsuspicion · 05/02/2020 12:07

I don't know the answer, but this kind of thing haunts my nightmares. Who can honestly say they haven't ever made a dreadful mistake while driving? I've been driving for 25 years and I've never had an accident, but I still remember once stalling while turning across a dual carriageway at night and the thought still makes me shiver. It's only by the grace of God that such mistakes don't have life-destroying consequences. I wish your friend all the best.

Elbeagle · 05/02/2020 12:11

I agree Unusualsuspicion. The stuff of nightmares. I am so sleep deprived at the moment that I avoid driving at all because as for say, one mistake can have such devastating consequences.

SoupDragon · 05/02/2020 12:24

there is no way on earth she wont be serving time. She was driving in the wrong lane!

Unless she can claim diplomatic immunity and flee the country.

doritosdip · 05/02/2020 12:31

It would be very unusual for a parent to be imprisoned for something like that - a suspended sentence, a fine and/or community service would be far more usual. so why are people after Anne Sakoolas' return?

Pitaramus · 05/02/2020 12:42

They’ll probably do a suspended sentence on the basis that an immediate custodial sentence would have a significant impact on others (I.e. the obvious harm that would arise if you remove a mother from their young children.)

Frenchw1fe · 05/02/2020 12:51

@gypsywater I would be surprised if she did go to prison. A friend’s ds’s partner had one large glass of wine and hit and killed someone who was crossing the road. He was so drunk that the coroner was surprised he could stand, he was also on his phone and walked straight out in front of her.
She was just over the limit but she didn’t go to prison.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/02/2020 13:02

@frenchw1fe That’s quite different. It’s horrible that it happened, but it doesn’t sound like it was entirely the drivers fault - they should absolutely have been able to stop, but the judge also concluded that the victim was very drunk and stepped out in front of the car. I can see why a prison sentence was avoided in that case.

In this one, although the OP has explained how it happened well, the other point of view would be that the lady drove up the wrong side of the road, had a head on collision and someone in the other car died as a result. It will be a lot more difficult to argue that the victim had any culpability here, and the sentencing guidelines suggest that a prison sentence is likely.

OP Do the relevant schools know? They may be able to provide support. I do feel very sorry for your friend... I’d be mindful that the 11 year old might find out if this is widely covered in the local press, so I’d have an idea of how to tell them. Her solicitor should be able to give her guidance on how long a sentence is likely to be and where it’d be served.

slipperywhensparticus · 05/02/2020 13:07

I know of a couple of men arrested for this they both lost there licence and were fined the last one did get told to pack a bag just in case but he avoided jail

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 13:11

@Pitaramus where do you draw the line though? When does your punishment become more important than you children, if you don't think killing someone else makes it so?

theendoftheendoftheend · 05/02/2020 13:16

I would also be suprised (after years of working as part of police prosecutions) if she was given a custodial sentence. That's not to say she won't, but I don't think it's a certainty at all.

Pitaramus · 05/02/2020 13:18

I really don’t know where you draw the line, I guess that is a judgement call for the judge. It’s a really difficult one.

Frenchw1fe · 05/02/2020 13:19

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I thought she may go to prison due to being over the limit. Tbh it also wrecked her life because the stress and guilt caused her relationship to break down and she started taking drugs. I think she was in her own mental prison.
Like pp’s the thought of such an incident happening to me is the stuff of nightmares. I certainly wouldn’t drink and drive.
I hope the OP updates us with some of the conclusions it will be interesting to know how a sentencing decision is made , that’s if it’s not too outing.

deareloise · 05/02/2020 13:22

What good would get going to prison do, precisely? Devastate two families rather than one?

brokensouls76 · 05/02/2020 13:22

I've been to prison myself for this exact offence.
It's likely she will go to prison. Death by dangerous driving almost always carries a prison sentence.
My DD was 4 nearly 5 when I went. We told her I was working away. She came to visit and because she was so young didn't understand where she actually was. The officers were all very lovely with her whenever she came. She was never sacred and enjoyed the cafe and play area in the visitors Centre.
I think it's best to be honest when the times comes. The kids will find out by school gossip, it's best to hear it from someone they trust.

On a side note, I only served 2 months in closed prison, I requested a transfer to an open prison and got it almost immediately. Once I was there I was able to come home for 5 nights every month, then halfway through my sentence you get resettlement also so I was given an extra 4 nights. I used to split this so I did a long weekend home every other weekend. And the weekends I didn't go home I was allowed out 7-7 either Friday or Saturday.
My parents always brought my daughter to see me. So we got a lot of quality time together.
She needs to look into getting moved to semi or preferable open prison as soon as possible. Family can also help with this and solicitors too. The more people advocating the better.