Mum going to prison - what to tell children and when/how?

[chocolatekimmy]

Hello

My close friend has been charged with death by dangerous driving. She caused the death of the driver of another car last year through a mistake - she thought she was on a dual carriageway (and was overtaking a car) when she was in fact on a single carriage way. Its one of those A roads where it switches from dual to single for a long stretch. It was night time and she wasn't under the influence or speeding or using her phone etc. She has no other driving or any other criminal offences on record.

She accepts full responsibility for what she has done and she has been honest from the start. She expects to, and is preparing to be sent to prison.

The children know she was hurt in an accident a year ago but they don't know that mum caused the death of another person. They've probably forgot all about it now. They are 11 and 8.

The question is, how on earth does she/husband tell them that mum may go to prison. The hearing date isn't confirmed but it could be towards the end of this month/early March.

Also, are there any organisations out there that can help families in this situation?

@deareloise make people aware that they need to be paying attention while driving or face the consequences?

Just to add to what a lot of pps are saying. Prison was absolutely nothing compared to the guilt I've lived with. Nothing compares to that.

Do you not think the woman in question probably knows that?

If I did this you could lock me up for fifty years, it wouldn’t matter, I’d punish myself every day. But the children shouldn’t have to suffer.

@deareloise it's not just about her though. It's about the hundreds of drivers who don't pay full attention to the road, or who think it's ok to drive when they're overly tired etc

I would also say that a custodial sentence is not a foregone conclusion, although that is assuming there is nothing else that hasn’t been mentioned in the OP.

Do the school know? I think they should so they can be aware of playground gossip and also support the children as and when needed; they may also be able to advise a suitable counsellor who could help to advise on the appropriate way to talk to them and be there if needed after sentencing.

That’s a very brave post @brokensouls76. I hope you and your family are doing ok now.

If you drive a vehicle, you will, at some point have made a mistake that has only avoided seriously injuring or killing someone by sheer good luck simply because you are human. This obviously doesn’t apply to accidents caused by excessive speed or driving whilst under the influence of drink or drugs.
Tiredness is another thing, I would imagine virtually all Mnetters, if the sleep forum is to be believed, have driven whilst extremely tired.

@GiveHerHellFromUs I understand where your coming from and a big part of me agrees with you , however, most people think it won't happen to them. RTCs are on the whole accidents, a lapse in concentration or judgement, they are not malicious or pre meditated. I don't think prison sentences are a deterrent to other drivers.
But I do know first hand practically (mentally I will always be destroyed) how my life was ruined in many ways by going to prison. Someone with no criminal record, single parent who's child nearly had to go into care, lost my house and business. I lost all of that because of prison. I don't think prison is the way to go but I do totally understand why people would want to see someone punished and if it was my loved one I would possibly feel the same.

Thank you @EL0ISE our lives have and will be permanent affected by this. But we have found happiness just in a different way than before. At least I'm still here, although some days I wish I wasn't.

@brokensouls76 I completely understand everything you're saying, and have the utmost respect to you for sharing your story and I do agree that the implications of going to prison are much more than just going away from your family for a few months.

But I do know if I was a member of the other persons family I wouldn't see it that way.

A couple of years ago now my step sister had a car accident that hospitalised her for 3 months. It's had life changing implications for her.
The woman who was at fault pulled out onto her on a dual carriageway. Luckily it was earlier on a bank holiday. The police officer admitted that if it was a working day my step sister would be deal - no question.
The woman who caused the crash got sent on a driver awareness cause. That's it.

She has felt 0 impact - her family haven't been affected at all. She got up and walked away, whereas her victims life has changed forever.
I would've liked her to have been given community service at the very least.
To be honest, yes, I'd have liked her to have gone to prison and had the impact on her life.
She probably doesn't even care about my step sister. I wonder how sorry she'd have been if she'd have died.

It's interesting to see this from both sides, though

*dead not deal, obviously

I think the sentences should be tougher. Again, 21-year-old man just released a couple of weeks ago for killing a 15-year-old by dangerous driving. Wonder how many who say 'prison isn't the answer' for such drivers would feel if it were their teenager who'd been mowed down and killed by someone who then said, 'Well, sorry, it was an accident'.

It's about the hundreds of drivers who don't pay full attention to the road, or who think it's ok to drive when they're overly tired etc

If prison was an effective deterrent then it would be rare for anybody to do what you describe. It is also impossible as a human being to pay perfect attention 100% of the time or never to miscalculate or make a mistake.

How does prison (and the associated consequences thereof) rehabilitate someone who had a moment of excruciatingly terrible luck after making a mistake?

How does it prevent a recurrence? How does it lead to good?

Our prison system traumatises the prisoner, damages their family, and prevents them resuming or commencing a positive role in society after release. How is that useful to anybody?

It's a really tricky one because as we both say if it was our family member we would want the person punished, but having been in prison I just don't see the deterrent or any positive outcome. In my case I got 3.5 years, I mean if your going to punish someone for someone else's death 3.5 years is a bloody joke, it's an insult to the family. I was coming home within a couple of months and honestly prison while it had some very dangerous elements (I saw 2 suicides, and was housed with rose west) on the whole it was like a holiday camp. 3 hot meals a day, laundry done for you, cheap items like cigarets, snacks, make up... DVD player, library, we even went outside to sunbathe in the summer. Pool tables play music as loud as you like.
Open prison was just beautiful no locks, acres to walk around, big lounge with sofas, games, table tennis table. Zumba classes, karaoke machine. We literally got to do what's we wanted for 90% of the time.The only thing hard about prison is the time away from your family and the possible issues around housing and children If you have no support.
I just don't know what the answer is.
I joined a group with the police and emergency services and we do talks to driving age school/ college children. It's a brilliant thing to be a part of, great to give something back to the community and utterly humiliating to tell everyone you have taken someone's life. The shame of that would of been a much better deterrent for me than prison.

Sorry about your stepsister. I hope she is doing ok now

I had someone drive fast straight at me so fast out of nowhere when they were joining the dual carriageway i was on in the dark last night - if I hadn’t moved I’d have been in a very bad accident or dead but it terrifies me as was the only time I’ve moved lane without double checking as it was that or crash. I am still shaken and I could have been forced into someone else as reacted to avoid the car coming straight for me without time to think.

I do think roads are terrifying as so full of human error and one brief lapse of concentration can be deadly.
brokensouls76 I feel for you so much and giveherhellfromus I am so sorry for what you’ve had to see your step sister go through too.
Roads can be terrifying and I always feel I am hyper alert as had a bad accident as a child but they still scare me.

Oh god this is heartbreaking for a genuine mistake why couldn't they just take her licence? Locking her up won't make up for her mistake or bring the other person back, but it will deprive two children of a mother. And all the awful people who get away scott free for deliberate and sadistic crimes.

sorry nothing constructive to add.

Oh, so you think the purpose of prison should be revenge not rehabilitation?

"Wonder how many who say 'prison isn't the answer' for such drivers would feel if it were their teenager who'd been mowed down and killed by someone who then said, 'Well, sorry, it was an accident'."

If it really was an accident, then I'd not want another life ruined as well as my own. Obviously that doesn't apply if drink or drugs or extreme tiredness are involved - then people should absolutely have the book thrown at them. But every last one of us has made stupid decisions while driving. One momentary lapse of concentration and you could end up in prison for a lengthy period of time, as brokensouls has so bravely described. That isn't to minimise the horror for the victim's family, but unfortunately nothing will bring their loved one back, and nothing will stop another momentary lapse of concentration by a different driver on a different day and road - because that's just the nature of driving. So what is the rationale for sending them to prison? The real outrage to me is how low sentences are for fatal accidents where drink driving is involved.

If you think UK prisons rehabilitate offenders you are deluded. Most come out far worse than they went in and society pays the price. This lady will now have trouble ever getting a job again, will be left with very few legal options with which to put bread on the table and the entire socio-economic level of the family will take a nose dive. Her children may end up in the care system meaning the chances of them also becoming offenders increases markedly. And society will pay the price. Sorry op this may be hard for you to hear but this conversation is being derailed by officious 'computer says no' posters.

Was that directed at me User?
If so, I don't believe it should be used as revenge, but I think such an emotive subject as death brings with it all sorts of feelings and I think, revenge/punishment is high on the families radar. But having been through it I don't feel it is the necessarily the right punishment however I do understand peoples need for 'justice' which in most peoples minds is prison.
(Apologies if you weren't talking to me)

brokensouls76 just out of interest (and you don’t have to answer), is your daughter now aware of where you were for all those years?

The OP asked The question is, how on earth does she/husband tell them that mum may go to prison .. Also, are there any organisations out there that can help families in this situation?

She didn't ask for a lecture about sentencing for dangerous driving, she wasn't involved in this herself - FFS she gave a clear account of what happened and didn't even try to defend her friend etc but clearly she is able to understand that the children concerned here didn't kill anyone.

So getting back to OP's perfectly reasonable question - here are some links:

www.themytimeproject.com
www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/parenting/how-to-cope-if-a-parent-goes-to-prison/
www.prisonersfamilies.org
www.womeninprison.org.uk/about-us.php

There are quite a few more OP and some are regional, but these are a good starting point. Glad you can help with emotional support for your friend's children.

She has felt 0 impact - her family haven't been affected at all. She got up and walked away, whereas her victims life has changed forever

She probably doesn't even care about my step sister. I wonder how sorry she'd have been if she'd have died

Unless you have other information which you haven’t shared here, you can’t+possibly know if thsi is true.

I know someone who knocked down a child in a busy shopping street. The child was badly injured but made a full recovery. There was plenty witness evidence and CCTV to show that the driver was not speeding and the child ran out between two Parked cars. He had not been drinking ( in fact he was tee total ).

In the end the driver wasn’t convicted of any offence , as there was no evidence he had done anything wrong.

But he had a total nervous breakdown. He had to give up his job as a teacher because it was too demanding with his poor health. It years before he drove again. The guilt nearly destroyed him.

It had a massive effect on him and his family . If his wife didn’t have a well paid job they would have lost their home.

I’m not expecting anyone to feel sorry for him, let alone the family of the child who was injured. But it’s unfair to assume that there are no consequences outside of prison .

Elbeagle yes she is, unfortunately her stepsisters told her when I was away, she was too young to understand though, but we had a conversation when she was about 9 where I told her, she took it very well. Asked a few questions and then told me she loved me. Children are resilient but the ops situation is different as the children are older and I don't think you can hide it from them at that age. I don't know how she would of taken it if she understood where I was at the time, but as she knew fully when it was over I feel it wasn't as scary for her.