What to take to prison 2

[drinkswineoutofamug]

Not a great title but can't think of anything catching this time of the morning. Will figure out how to link to the old thread.

Thank you lexie. I had so much support from mumnetters myself. It is horrible being in a lost, gut wrenching situation. I have advised a family near to me too. If I can help and support other people , I will.

lonely , the first visit is always the worse. I can remember my first post on the other thread when I went to see my daughter. I was heart broken. It's a pain I've never known. To re read that post now still brings a lump to my throat.

Your stepbrother now needs the support of his family more than ever. You said it's a horrible crime he has committed but he will do better knowing that he has family and friends on the outside. Encourage him to make use of his time with education and courses. All available. Enforce on him not to borrow or lend, and to pick 'friends' carefully. But unfortunately he will learn the hard way.

@drinkswineoutofamug

So amazed you are supporting other families through this shit. You are truly wonderful...

@Lonelystarbuckslover - glad you have read the threads. So many knowledgeable people on here with great advice. I'm sorry, it's not my place, but maybe don't beat yourself up about your DStepB and what he has done, and if you should forgive him? He has been judged and punished by our judicial system which I personally believe to be fair.

I was a prolific offender resulting in 3 prison sentences. My family never wavered in their support of me and I really believe that was crucial to my rehabilitation.

Only you can know if you want to support your DStepB.

Lots of love x cat x

my heart goes out to everyone on this thread
I have a son in prison overseas
It is very hard and I'm still very shocked at what has happened.
One of the most difficult things is my father, we were never close but I saw him as an open minded non judgemental sort of person
However he has no sympathy for my son, or for me he makes light of the situation and makes jokes about it.
So on top of being heartbroken about my son I am consumed with anger over my father's indifference, I can't bring myself to speak to him on the phone anymore I'm trying to keep him at arm's length by communicating over email only.

Thank you for your continued at this desolate time, when we are not the victims but the family is collateral damage.

I believe he needs support a) for his rehabilitation and b) to help him access the mental health he has always needed. I've alot of soul searching and probably more of the details are required.

Hard to drip feed but don't feel I can go into detail out of fear of outing myself. But as a woman, what he has done to another woman frightens me. My party line in my communications with him will be that the justice system can deal with the whys and wherefores of where he is, because I am worried about his mental health for his sake and also for wider society.

The advice given about borrowing, lending is good to know - I hadn't thought of that. I really hope he will heed my advice re: education - for the past 5 years I have been trying to get him to access this and to discipline with exercise/sport (as an outlet for energy), to no avail. Perhaps without his games consoles and social media, maybe he will.

I think the first step his is mum visiting him, and me emailing him between now and his sentence hearing (we don't have long to wait) and then deal with the longer term.

Will he get a psych assessment? We told the solicitor we believe he needs one, we provided paperwork we have from the doctor regarding his mental state, we rang the prison and left a message emphasising this. To be clear, not as a mitigating factor but to support him in the longer term - while he is inside and potentially beyond.

lonely he may get a psych assessment as standard, not sure. He maybe able to request ???

Ruby welcome to the thread, Sorry to read about your son as I don't know your story , I can't comment to much about your dads attitude. Is he making light of the situation as he is hurt and confused over what's happened to his grandson? Please keep chatting to us all here. We are all here with a virtual shoulder to cry on.

Had a letter off my daughter. As one of my friend commented, her inner psycho bitch trip switch has been triggered. The dog she rescued as the owner couldn't look after her, was taken back by the owner. I don't know legally where we stand. She was microchipped to this address. Registered at a vets etc etc . He just phoned said that's my dog and I'm taking her. If he can't afford to put credit on his phone, how he's going to afford to keep a dog I don't know. But anyway she's gone mental over it. Threatening all sorts.

Drinks I know I've not given much info, I just dont want to out myself
sorry.
Wrt to the letter from your daughter, many is the time that I'd be upset for days after a phone call where there was bad news but looking back I think he was just venting and ultimately he got on and coped with it.
I can see that she would be upset about the dog though

As for 'pater' oh no, he aint confused he's decided my boy is a criminal and as such deserves no sympathy. I could sort of accept that but the lack of sympathy for me aswell, after all we, the mothers and sisters are the innocent collateral damage.
So weird, when things like this happen, it's like a big storm, all sorts of things that were hidden in the depths are thrown up

Excuse me rambling with my oceanic metaphors, I am still shocked that this has happened

It must be very hard not having that support ruby. I don't think I've ever really given much brain space to the fact that behind every prisoner is a heartbroken family and you are so right about us being collateral damage. We have physically lost a family member, but more than that, the guilt at what he has done to someone, coupled with our own emotions, feeling sickened by it all and also worried sick for him. I am in a state of shock. We have barely been functioning this week and it is going to be like this for the forseeable future, and then I feel bad that I am even thinking of us when we weren't victim of his crime.
So so many emotions going on.

Lonely I only know about men's prison's in England, so here's my advice.

Never borrow, never ever. You will either have to pay bubble (borrow one paper of baccy pay two back) or will be expected to repay in kind. Could be running an errand, holding drugs or stabbing someone. Do not shake on anything unless you are sure you can comply

Do not pilfer, steal or touch another prisoner's stuff without permission. Theives are universally loathed, ostrscised and will be dealt with by prisoners with no recourse to authorities

If he's in for years, as soon as he's moved to his 'home' prison (he might still be in a dispersal waiting on a settled placement) I would advise him to find out the requirements to become an 'enhanced' status prisoner and work towards it. It can help with a decent job (kitchen, library, medical orderly) and access to the gym.

Enhanced status can eventually help to get a room on the enhanced wing. Competition is fierce as EW is a massive step up in living standards in terms of environment. Curtains and bedding from Argos can be bought using canteen money in some prisons and there is sometimes ICE (in cell electricity, in the form of a plug socket which saves a fortune in radio batteries). It's a lot quieter than other wings and has a self regulating routine and code of behaviour.

EW are usually much more settled, most prisoners are on long sentences/lifers/white collar and work with officers to maintain agreed decent levels of 'neighbourliness' and accepted behaviour. Wing reps are nominated and voted in by the group in a democratic way.

Many are studying and they have wing agreed behaviours like no loud music, expected levels of personal, room and wing hygeine. If these are not complied with after a someone helps you get the hang of things, the wing commitee will vote you off and someone else from gen pop who is enhanced will get a chance.

Remind him about 'Listeners'. Listeners are prisoners who have trained with the Samaritans and can visit him to talk in complete confidence. They are a life line.

Sign up for church even if you are an atheist. Any time outside your room or off the wing is a bonus. Sign up for anything that gets you off the wing, litter picking in the yard, anything.

Sign up for any education - basic literacy and numeracy even if you don't need it. You may end up assisting the tutor with others who are struggling. Never talk about this outside the classroom.
This boosts your own self esteem and helps your reputation as being 'all right' or 'decent' and may be a help in sticky situations - for example, being hassled by someone, bloke you helped notices, comes over and diffuses the stuation. The bloke that struggled in class may be a 'face' on the wing and will repay the favour.

Finally, a note about time in the prison system. The prison system's 'soon' may mean two, six, 24 or 90 hours. It may mean weeks.

'Today' may mean this week, probably.

Here endeth the lesson

@weezol I can't thank you enough for that invaluable advice. I have never had so much as a detention at school - I know that sounds daft but you know, this is a whole new world for us and I hope he will listen to one of us if we can relay this.

Indeed, prior to this my first thought (upon hearing that someone had served time) was not 'oh my god your poor mother'
But it is now!
That info all very reassuring @Weezol.☺️

@Lonely, after the initial shock I did get myself together, I do still have a feeling of being in limbo because there is still uncertainty with my son's case but I am getting on with my life and coping and gradually improving.
I write letters I send books we speak on the phone regularly
Just hang in there

Letters are really important. Often read and re-read over and over and treasured. It's the fact that someone cares enough to assemble pen, paper, evelope and stamps and take the time out their own life to write that has an impact.

I have sent this quote in the past, handwritten on a nice bit of Basildon Bond. I was told it was copied out a few times and toothpasted to pad walls.

It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.
Charles Darwin (attributated).

Might have been 'who can best adapt to change'.

A great quote
and very true😊

@weezol brilliant succinct advice!

Am shocked that ICE in men's prisons is an enhanced privilege.

In women's prisons they are standard in every room (even in seg in high security jails). I always had my own AC stereo and then a kettle and straighteners when enhanced

Crikey my daughter rents a telly . And has a kettle as standard 🤔

ICE varies prison to prison, cat to cat. The Cat A/B male prison estate has a lot of very, very old buildings, (many are Victorian) where the installation costs would be prohibitive. Tellies are usually hard wired in via historic lighting/alarm systems in the old ones.

Cat C and D are often repurposed MOD property so usually have better facilities.

Women's prisons are generally built in the last 70 years so tend to be better planned. Women are generally less violent, so things like kettles aren't percived as having the same risk.

Hot water is a common weapon in high risk/violent holding areas of male prisons, so kettles are usually restricted. Prisoners fill a vacuum flask with hot water from a big urn before last bang up for overnight brews.

I'm quite surprised by how much of this information I appear to have retained - why can't I remember the bank account number I have had for over 25 years?!

@Weezol that's so interesting! And appalling.

Holloway was condemned and although I have no personal experience of the place, I have heard awful things about it.

Apparently Pentonville is the same. Victorian with 23hr bang up and rats running rife. Heard that there was still slop out on some wings until fairly recently 😱😱😱

Bronzefield had the urn and flask system when I was there, unless you were enhanced.

My heart goes out to each and every single one of you on this thread. So glad we can all support each other, whatever our experience of the CJS is.

x cat

Styal is pretty old. Was an orphanage many moons ago. Then 50/60's(?) turned into a prison. When we go to visit it looks like a run down housing estate as the women live in houses. I'm gathering my daughter didn't get her tag or she would of been released today. See what Monday brings. I'm personally hoping she serves the next 6 weeks, as harsh as that might sound.

cat May I ask a personal question? You said you had 3 sentences, what did it take , or should I say when did you realise you had to stop your destructive path? Not sure I'm wording this right. How did you manage to turn your life around. I apologise if this is an intrusive question, and thank you in advance x

I'm personally hoping she serves the next 6 weeks, as harsh as that might sound
I think I understand, sometimes I just feel heartbroken and desperately sad for him
other times I think 'if you cant do the time dont do the crime'
I would never say that though, and never ever turn my back

Drink It doesn't sound harsh. I would feel the need for some respite, at least you know where she is while she's there and are not on edge waiting for a knock at the door.

I'm really struggling today - we have just had a proper grieving weekend, crying about all that we have lost, all that he has squandered, and this morning I feel angry with the whole world and all alone. I've had some atypical grief journeys in my time but this...the emotional rollercoaster...I want off.

Sweetheart, there is a grieving process that we go through, it's perfectly normal. It does get better with time. Remember you can rant and vent here and nobody will think any less of you.

Daughter didn't get her tag. She serving the rest of her sentence

Lonely Vent here - this is one of the most supportive and understanding threads I have seen on MN. Anger is an appropriate feeling - I went through a phase of being sick of being emotionally checked by sympathy for the victim and the offender's need for support. I wanted to scream 'But what about us! He's hurt us too, he's ripped us to pieces! Where's my support?'

How do you feel drinks?

I think I could cope if I only knew he was okay but I am waiting for his money to have gotten to him and cleared so hopefully he can ring either me or his mum. I am on tenterhooks. I think in this day and age, it feels so alien not to know if someone is okay, just by knowing they've been online or getting a text.

Thank you for continued listening.

When this first happened I felt as if a hand grenade had been thrown into my life, my partner is supportive apart from him the only person who I told was my parent
I spent months trying to get some sympathy from my parent to no avail
He acts as if my son, his grandson is a random person that he read about in the paper, when I explained that my son could get several years he just shrugged and said nothing.
There is a sense of schadenfreude from him as if he is enjoying my son's misfortune
I fucking hate him for this and I won't grieve when he dies.

I have a lot of anger too
you are not alone