F*** off Molly

[SpringHen]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3173072-Things-that-always-happen-in-books-but-never-happen-in-real-life

Today Molly had half a sandwich for lunch but couldn’t finish it all. She offered it around the office and I scoffed it down with my Malteser’s after finishing my own three course meal. Molly has a small appetite and doesn’t like sweet things.

#FuckOffMolly

Molly calls in on her elderly neighbour Bill every week. Despite the age gap she considers Bill a good friend, and never misses their weekly chat as she knows that Bill looks forward to it.

Bill finds your visits patronising but tolerates them because he thinks you're a bit dim. He does however turn his hearing aids off when he sees you coming up the path. Your visits dont save Bill from a lonely old age, he's actually boning Aggie from over 60s aqua aerobics. Aggie has competition from the church volunteer crew. Bills social life is just fine, better than yours in fact Molly.

#fuckoffMolly

Molly went to Bikram yoga at 5.30am this morning. She's discovered it since the painful break up from her ex ehoncheated on her. She doesn't sweat. She glows and has adorable little beads of sweat on her forehead. There is an attractive man who also attends the class and smiles lop sidedly at her while she adorably struggles with some of the more complicated moves. He may or may not be a secret millionaire. Molly believes he could never be attracted to someone as plain as her.

Fuck off Molly

Molly stood back and assessed her handiwork. In one afternoon she has spruiced up the little derelict cottage. A paintbrush and one tub of paint she found in the hallway was enough to fix years of vacancy and neglect. "Well" she thought, "its not the sistine chapel, but it's home"

#FuckOffMolly

Molly popped into the village shop to buy some basic supplies to keep her going in her adorable country cottage. Unfortunately being both ditzy and cute, molly forgot to bring her basket and dropped all her purchases over the handsome but mysterious handyman from next door. He glared at her disapprovingly.

Molly stifled her giggles and made her escape, wondering about his fascinating back story to justify his casual misogyny.

In the derelict cottage she also creates a delicious spread of cakes and stews and warm cookies, just in case one of her new (slightly less pretty) friends drops by. She always has the ingredients for such things in a well stocked pantry. She never opens the fridge to find only half a packet of questionable looking ham, a mandarin Muller Light and a swede.

Fuck off Molly

Molly juggled six avocados, tomatoes, chillies, onion and limes - all organic of course. She struggled to balance the coriander on top as she tottered down the whole food shop in her ethnically sources espadrilles.

Tonight she was serving freshly home made guacamole and crudités cut from her own garden produce to the hunky vicar who was popping round to discuss her part in the Harvest Festival.

There's simply no way Molly would be so disorganised as to have to dive into the Co-Op on the way home to grab the last pot on the reduced shelf & a bag of out of date Doritos like her sister Charlotte. For shame!

#FuckOffMolly

lightoflaluna apart from that time when she and mysterious-probably-rich-but-she-doesnt-care-about-money-bikram-guy got caught in the rain and tumbled into the little cottage soaking wet but laughing, and he didnt judge her for having no food in (she forgets to eat after all) and warmed up a tin of soup while she dried her hair, and the soup tasted so good in his company by candlelight that she felt like she had been transported to a romantic restaurant in Paris

Molly used to work in a City law firm earning $$$, but found the corporate culture increasingly soulless and wanted to live closer to nature and the things that really matter in life. Just as she was agonising over whether she could still afford the mortgage on her quirky Victorian attic in Islington, her eccentric godmother died and bequeathed Molly her charming but unrenovated cottage on the Dorset coast.

#FuckOffMolly

Molly stifled her giggles and made her escape, wondering about his fascinating back story to justify his casual misogyny.

Molly couldn't believe that she was leaving the derelict cottage for a weekend in Paris to attend the swanky charity ball of Mr Millionaire/local vet. Lucky for her, Molly's best friend is an independent fashion designer who fitted her out with the perfect ball gown that all the press will go mad about when they take photos of the 'mystery girl' on Mr Millionaire/local vet's arm.

She had been trying so hard not to fall over in the impossibly high heels that she barely noticed him enter the room. She blinked for a moment not quite believing that this was really happening, and that perfect man only had eyes for her. Her nerves slipped away as he gripped her possessively in his arms and paraded her on front of his pervy rich mates

#FuckOffMolly'sBoyfriend #RedFlags

Molly doesnt own a TV, preferring to gaze out a window or into a mirror

#FuckOffMolly

Molly completely empathises with her new village friend who wants to slim down from a size 18 to size 12. After all she put on a hefty half pound over Christmas and it has all gone to her her eyelashes.

‘They are too thick to wear mascara’ she sighs wistfully as she watches her friend apply her expensive lash extending product over her sparse hairs.

#fuckoffMolly

Molly's little cottage business has inexplicably thrived and she's having to move to a business premises, which instead of being somewhere practical like a business park is a converted windmill/lighthouse/old school house.

Molly is now in business with her bestfriend full time. This has caused no tensions or problems in their relationship at all and every day is pure joy.

Molly can't believe how perfectly things have worked out.

#FuckOffMolly

Molly sells vegan cupcakes from the windmill and soon has a booming social media presence and a local TV station wants to do a report on her. The reporter is a severe woman with short gelled hair, pinched features, cold eyes and a business suit who asks difficult questions about Food Hygiene Standards and whether eggs are considered vegan. Molly blinks away tears but she bravely comes back with witty zingers which put the reporter back in her place. She's only jealous anyway. Of course there's a backlash against the reporter who is quite rightly sacked and vigilanted out of town, while Molly's business booms.

#fuckoffMolly

Despite only having lived in Seastone for six weeks, Molly's candyfloss business has become amazingly successful and she has developed a massive circle of local friends of diverse ages and backgrounds. But she still feels there's something missing from her life - until the day she rescues Rufus, the adorable Labrador puppy abandoned by his callous owners. She's out one morning on her usual dawn run along the beach when Rufus dashes off. Oh no! Rufus is barking enthusiastically at a black horse! The horse's rider dismounts to complain about Rufus' lack of training and Molly can't help noticing his chiselled jaw and steely blue eyes.

#FuckOffMolly

Mollys new sucess provides her a planform to get revenge on her old boss from the city job she quit.

Mollys old boss was a bitch because she pulled Molly up on her mistakes and didnt care whether Molly LIKED her or not. She also didnt pander to Molly when she ran out of meetings with tears welling up in her eyes every time one of Mollys fanciful ideas was deemed impractical or non viable! That bitch had quashed Mollys creativity and dreams and now the tables are turned and the Boss needs a business deal with Molly, who is the only cupcake maker in the North East where the boss has been transfered to.

Molly turns down the lucrative business deal leaving the new North East office catastrophically short of cupcakes. Mollys ex boss unreasonably complains that Molly is unprofessional for doing so, but Molly's eclectic quirky collection of regulars and friendly neighbours rally to her defense and ex boss is put in her place once and for all.

#FuckOffMolly

To celebrate moving on from the trauma of bitch boss, Molly has a cup cake party. All her amazing quirky friends love every flavour of cup cake she has made, nobody finds the cream topped ones sickly, nobody drops a cake and treads it into the rug and Molly even indulges in a cake herself without gaining a pound.

#FuckoffMolly

Molly was certain she would never fall for another man again, not after the wretched business with her ex, Grant, and her best friend, Miranda.

No! A fresh start was what was called for, and that was what she intended to have. She absently gazed at herself in the mirror, and moved a stray tendril of russet hair out of her eyes, when she noticed, through the soft cream-painted window frame, a man trampling through her carefully tended herb garden and straight up to her front door.

Two pink spots of exasperation appeared on her cheeks and her lips pursed in anger

"What a fucking cheek," she thought to herself as she went to the door. "Unless he's delivering my new rampant rabbit or a box of Godiva chocolates, he can fuck off with his chiselled jaw and manly forearms".

"How can I help you?" She simpered, standing at the door. Because Molly knew that losing her temper was extremely unladylike and she wouldn't want to get off on the wrong foot with anyone....

#FuckOffMolly

Molly is horrified when Mega Chain Cupcakes open a store right across the road from her. Her eyes glisten with tears as she sees her hard-won business disappearing before her. Sadly, she turns her shop sign to 'Closed' for what she thinks is the final time.

But Molly has reckoned without the staunch support of her friends and the ladies of the WI who boycott the chain shop despite it having more variety, better flavours & much cheaper prices. The chain shop closes in a matter of months as the poor franchisee is run out of town profits plummet.

Molly bites her lip in gratitude as everyone gathers round her rose-framed front door to cheer and bring her the good news and Mrs Fotheringay places an immediate order for 100 cupcakes for her baby shower the next day at 11am.

'Better get cracking, then.' Molly beams to the gathers hordes and they all laugh.

#FuckOffMolly

Molly marries a university sweetheart, has DC and a few years later is finding life as a mum and freelancer with a wealthy but flaccid H tricky, so she drinks some gin, flirts with a hot dad/ex but realises her H is OK really, then invents an app that makes £10,000 in six weeks and shags her H.

#Fuckoffmummymolly

Molly has a good friend called Hetty. She is a little tubby and a bit plain but Molly doesn’t care about things like that. They are best buddies

Molly has a good friend called Hetty. She is a little tubby and a bit plain but Molly doesn’t care about things like that. They are best buddies. They even share boyfriends, Molly has dated three of Hetty’s ex boyfriends, sometimes even before Hettys knows they are ex. How they laugh about their similar taste in men.
#FuckoffMolly