F*** off Molly

[SpringHen]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3173072-Things-that-always-happen-in-books-but-never-happen-in-real-life

Hetty and her boring husband have 3 kids. Hetty is always disorganised and stressed. Molly generously tolerates Hetty. When Molly has her PFB she does it with much more grace than Hetty.

Hetty should really get better friends who dont just use them to make themselves look/feel good.

Hetty has the same colour hair as Molly but is always referred to as 'ginger'.

#FuckOffMolly

Molly is pleased for Hetty because she found her boring husband who seems fond of Hetty for reasons that Molly cant quite comprehend. She was worried that Hetty would always be the fat single one before hetty became the fat scatty mum of 3 (not triplets but somehow all seemed to happen at once).

Molly sometimes wishes she could be as "relaxed" as Hetty about things like tidiness, punctuality and weight

Hetty SERIOUSLY needs to fucking ditch Molly, like seriously! Unfortunately she cant cause Molly isnt just her frenemy, shes also her boss, and who else would tolerate Hettys persistant lateness because as we all know, fat mums of 3 cannot get anywhere on time....

Hetty is the one who guesses that Molly is pregnant before Molly does.

Molly doesnt know what to do because as happy as she us for Hetty, shes not quite sure if she wants Hettys lifestyle for herself
Nappies, school runs, surely Molly isnt ready for such mediocrity?

Molly does the pregnancy test in Hetty’s bathroom, where toys fill the tub and there are toothpaste skids in the sink. Molly compares it to the tastefully grey bathroom in her cottage, with its free standing copper bath and casually placed and totally impractical armchair. ‘Is this inevitable?’ she wonders, buying her lower lip as she anxiously waits the whole 30 seconds it takes for two blue lines to appear.

Meanwhile Hetty is downstairs frantically shovelling dinner into her kids, whilst listening the middle one so their reading and testing the eldest on their spellings. She knows that when Molly emerges she will require Hetty to curl up with her on an ancient but comfy sofa to discuss the pregnancy and Molly’s love life. ‘Jesus...’ she thinks ‘I wish you’d #fuckoffMolly’

But Hetty just doesnt understand what its like to have to chose between two men.
The dashing millionaire who got her pregnant or the best friend who will raise it as his own.

Luckily they both agree to co-father with the one she doesnt pick hanging around anyway.

Mollys little girl (of course its a girl) is going to be the most loved baby EVER with the rejected men sticking around as godfather/uncle/babysitters

I can do this, thinks Molly determindly, I can raise this baby independantly, just me and my RIDICULOUSLY massive and eager support system

(Hetty secretly seeths at how Molly thinks nothing of asking everyone else to babysit for her all the time so she can go get her cupcake maker of the universe awards etc, yet Molly has never once ever babysat Hettys boys, not even when Hettys MIL had that fall or when Hetty had to have that biopsy......)

Hetty thinks back to her pregnancies, morning sickness and heartburn, as she glances over at Molly who is blooming in pregnancy. #fuckoff Molly!

Molly didnt have a start/stop labour or failure to progress or induction because she went overdue

Mollys labour will come as a complete dramatic surprise to all around, despite EVERYONE knowing about her glowing pregnancy. And she'll end up giving birth with someone who is not her birth partner and it wont be undignified or scary at all

#fuckoffMolly

In between stoically bearing her labour pains she will say "where is boyfriend, I need him here, someone go find him please"

Not
"WHERE IS THAT FUCKING C* WHO DID THIS TO ME, IM GOING TO RAM A MELON UP HIS ASS SO HE KNOWS HOW IT FEEEÈEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH"

Molly thinks back to their childhood and she He day she let Hetty come over and play with her Mr Frostie. Of course Hetty spilled blue flavouring all over the immaculate cream carpet.
Molly was gracious about clearing it up.

The village GP will attend the birth. He will call Molly 'a brave girl' as he gently mops the perspiration from her brow and smiles reassuringly.

He will not unceremoniously ram his hand up her flue to see how far along she is and tetchily moan about it being 'bloody ages before anything interesting will happen'.

#FuckOffMolly

There will be a tractor involved. She wont just go to the birth centre in an Uber.

Can I join in?

Molly felt tears welling up in her doe-like eyes, as she realised that her momentous fuck up was going to cost her that new cupcake supply contract with the mysterious hotel magnate. luckily, they were pretty tears not the snotty kind and her perfect make up was unafected. Molly's business rival, who had slyly bothered to prepare a business plan and everything, smirked at her over a boring stack of figures.
A scruffy yet familiar looking man walked into the boardroom - "wait!" Thought Molly. "Isn't that the stranger I did a minor, forgetable favour for in chapter two? What is he doing here....?"

Can we make #fuckoffmolly into a book?

While gently performing her labour breathing exercises Molly signed her contract for 10,000 vanilla swirl cupcakes. ‘Hetty had better get her baking hat on’ she giggled. The labour ‘pains’ swell over her like gentle waves. ‘This is so magical’ she simpers.

#fuckoffMolly

Through all of this, Hetty has discovered her husband's infidelity. One evening she came across a used condom and a return ticket to Amsterdam.

But her true friend's happiness is most important, so she's decided that even though she's sick with worry, she mustn't bother her true friend, so rather than draw attention to her fast and worrying weight loss, she just shrouds herself in baggy jumpers.

Her gaunt, pale face smiles bravely, just before she collapses in front of Molly's cupcake business investor....

#FuckOffMolly

And she arrived! The most beautiful baby girl. Molly has kept secret the chosen name from everyone (apart from the 14 threads she has started on mumsnet about it), which has particularly stung Hetty, who actually allowed Molly to chose her children's names, acquiescing to her more 'creative' friend.

Rumours swept quickly around the birthing suite that 'cupcake Molly' had just given birth, and all the staff duly stopped what they were doing to bestow gifts upon the new mother and child, such was the effect that Molly, and now her first born, had on them. Nora, the sister in charge, thought she heard the distant sound of angels singing and Naomi, the most recent member of staff to join the hospital, could have sworn the moon shone brighter that night.

Molly and baby Peoni snuggled up in the most comfortable feather down quilt, while Sister Nora dry-fried the placenta on the camping stove they kept in for occasions like this. Everyone commented on what a lovely smell there was on the ward that night, while Molly took a nap and Peoni unwittingly submitting to the natural state of babyhood, and without guidance, crooked her neck up and consumed her mother's life giving milk with wanton abandon.

#fuckoffMollyAndPeoni

Molly & Peoni

Molly sighed as she surveyed her newly-maternal body in the mirror. She barely recognised herself - the willowy slip of a girl had transformed into a fecund Mother Earth, complete with lush breasts and creamy curves. She must be at least a size 10 now - she would have to get out her sewing machine and let out her collection of vintage silk tea dresses while baby Peoni napped.

She knitted her brow in concern as she spotted an inch-long silver stretchmark on her left hip - then she gave a smile as she realised it looked just like a silken stitch - the stitch that connected her to her daughter forever.

#fuckoffMolly

This was before Peoni grey up and realised that Molly was just a Narc who expected her child to be an expression of her/extension of herself.
Peoni is now NC with Molly
Molly still swears that she was an ADORING mother
Peoni just remembers the string of "uncles" who babysat her and stood in for Molly at parents evening while Molly pissed off being true to her creative free spirit self

Molly finds keeping everyone informed of the contents of Peoni’s every nappy incredibly tiresome so she sets up a blog. It is so popular she turns it into a vlog which is instantly nominated for vlog of the year.
She returns to the cupcake factory every now and then only to find local towns women filling in for Hetty. She vaguely wonders where her friend has gone but assumes it is to do with her health. Her friend had been seriously ill the previous year and Molly had thoughtful given her space to work though it. Oh well she shrugged. At least she had the decency to find someone to take her place.

Peoni meets all her developmental milestones six months before other children. But of course she did after all she scored 11 on her Apgar.

#FuckoffMolly