Wedding invite etiquette

[FoFanta]

I'm getting mixed messages on what is the "done" thing, so would appreciate a steer from the wise heads of Craicnet. I used to work with a really lovely woman who has now retired. I am extremely fond of her and love meeting up. Her daughter is getting married soon (I have met the daughter a few times and she is also a lovely woman but we are not pals, and I have never met her husband to be). She has invited myself and partner to the full wedding. Now, for various reasons we can't go. I was just going to send a card, but I have been told that the expectation would be to send a gift/money as well as the card. If so, what would be the norm?

Give them €100, nice roundy figure to show your appreciation for the invite, and more importantly, it's generous but not OTT, and you won't be talked about after Mass the following Sunday either. 😊

Think of all you will save by not going, as I'd guess it's a three day event + hotel and travel maybe? And by giving the €100, you won't have to worry about the fallout if you don't. Being Irish you should know that the worst thing in the world is being tight about anything, especially a wedding gift even if you can't or won't go.

John Lewis don't exist in Ireland, so that would be pointless!

And where is it not the norm???

I'd say €50 or bottle of champagne is perfect- unless you can get a pope tea towel or Michael D tea cosie

Oooh, I want the tea cosey.

But they are not attending and they don't know the bride or groom.

How many strangers is one allowed to shake down by mailing an invitation?

Any of those etiquette books include anything about asking polite questions re other cultures?

To the non Irish out there who don't know about Irish weddings -

A. you give a gift whether you attend or not. To do otherwise would have you boycotted and bitched about forever as the tightwads from Ballygobackwards.

B. Weddings are often 3 day events. Start saving if you're ever invited to one.

Day one, evening meal with family and bridal party and whoever else happens to be around at the venue. Followed by sing song in the resident's lounge and an "early night" lol.

Day two. The Wedding. All head to either the church or the ceremony room. If it's a church it could be miles from the hotel reception. Usual pre dinner drinks and canapes. Long boring wait until the dinner gong at which time most people are pissed as farts - even the kids ha ha. Long dinner, lots of speeches, then photo booth fun and a bit of a hiatus. Then the music. Always a live band, everyone up on the floor, often followed by DJ until the early hours, followed by craic in the bar until kicked out.

Day three. Groggy hungover breakfast. False jollity cos everyone is still pissed somewhat. Then a BBQ or indoor meal later on. Go home and die for a while.

Giving money is what is done whether you go or not. I'm telling you now, you won't get away with being a tightarse. EVER. The slagging would be mighty.

I'd happily be slagged off as Scrooge than send my hard earned cash to any chancer who mailed me an invitation out of the blue.

@MsVi that would be a strange thing to do seeing as we don't have John Lewis in Ireland

Ah c'mon. Invites are usually from someone you know well enough, it may be their son or daughter's wedding but you would know them.

Chancers are those who give a tenner and think they are generous.

@BettyBardMacDonald I'm sure you're not intending to but you're coming off as a bit rude. They're not chances, they've extended an invitation to the op as a kindness and not a shake down. It's to mark the relationship that the op has with a parent. The op isn't obliged to do anything but has asked what's the norm. You need to accept that the norm is not the norm you're used to, I appreciate you don't agree with it but in reality you're unlikely to change the customs of a nation with a few mumsnet posts.

Or a tea towel (not a Papal one, though)

This. I think it was a nice thing to do, give a wedding invitation. I'd go!

If you barely know the couple, I wouldn’t bother with a gift. A card will do just fine. Some people who came to my wedding didn’t even bother with a card or gift.

For all your etiquette books you have no manners about other countries' way of doing things!!!

You are so wrong, and soooo rude.

It's Ireland, you'd send a gift. Side note - people went to your wedding and didn't give a gift?

Being viewed as stingy in Ireland would be viewed the same as not saying please and thank you in England. Generosity is important and stinginess is something you just don't do.

And I agree the invitation was likely given in generosity to OP, and indeed generosity from the bride to her mother, and from the MOB to OP. Not a shakedown.

Sorry I’ve never been to Ireland! Yes people down in the South are like that 😂 but yeah, like OP says, she doesn’t know the couple very well so I wouldn’t have thought a gift was necessary.

Were they Irish people at an Irish wedding???
I can't believe that!

OP may not know the B+G, but the gift would be in recognition of the mother of Brides' kindness in arranging an invitation. These things are seen that way in Ireland, and as a people we are very generous. To be otherwise is just not on. That's the way things are, and I love it that way. Long may it last.

I know! But she knows her mother. The amount of gifts I got for my wedding and birth of kids from people I don’t know but that know my parents is unreal. Wouldn’t know some of them if I met them in the street. Same for funerals we go to funerals of people we don’t know out of respect for maybe the one member of the family we do know. That’s just us 🤣

My cousin is Irish but moved to England at the age of 20 - obviously took her manners with her as for my wedding she gave an ever so generous £40 gift card on behalf of all 6 attendees from her family!! Some people are just downright rude.

Possibly, if OP was in the U.K., but this is Craicnet…there is no JL in Ireland.

Irish weddings are different to the U.K.

And they’re far better craic!

I'm Indian, I can attend at least 12 weddings a year easily. (I choose not to for various reasons) There is not an expectation to pay £50 despite being able to eat and drink your body mass worth. £20 at the wedding ceremony is suffice. In fact, there is absolutely NO expectation (apart from immediate family) to spend any money at all, they appreciate people have taken time out, probably bought outfits for kids etc so NO money gifts are expected at all. That's the way to go..