Wedding invite etiquette

[FoFanta]

I'm getting mixed messages on what is the "done" thing, so would appreciate a steer from the wise heads of Craicnet. I used to work with a really lovely woman who has now retired. I am extremely fond of her and love meeting up. Her daughter is getting married soon (I have met the daughter a few times and she is also a lovely woman but we are not pals, and I have never met her husband to be). She has invited myself and partner to the full wedding. Now, for various reasons we can't go. I was just going to send a card, but I have been told that the expectation would be to send a gift/money as well as the card. If so, what would be the norm?

Absolutely send a small gift. In the circumstances you described I think a €50 voucher would be fine. Obviously if it was a close friend or relative and you couldn't attend you'd give a larger amount.

Thanks everyone. Yes, it's an Irish wedding in Ireland, where I now live (I'm also a Irish but have lived in the UK for a long time). I'm going to run it by another mutual friend and see what she says, as she knows everyone involved. Real mix of responses! Thanks to everyone who replied!

I wouldn't call that a small gift.

A tea towel is a small gift.

Mature people already in their own household don't need 50 quid or more from every acquaintance.

@BettyBardMacDonald
That would be the norm where I am in Ireland

Different areas
Different expectations?!!

I find it crass to expect people one has never met and who won't be attending to send a significant amount of money.

@BettyBardMacDonald well it certainly wouldn't be seen as an extravagant gift. No one in real life would give a tea towel as a gift

What planet you on? £150 for what exactly? £20 or £40 gift card and thats it. Especially if you hardly know them

Correct answer 😁

Only on mumsnet have I heard the gift should cover the cost of your meal. Never in real life is this expected.

if you want people to celebrate your wedding with you have a budget you can afford, don’t expect your guests to pay for their day at your wedding.

id send a card and a gift voucher towards a meal out at a local restaurant. I certainly wouldn’t cover my own costs.

My h and I were invited to a family wedding recently. I declined and send a one4all gift voucher. I sent £50. I don't think you have to send a gift but it's nice to if you can afford it.

No one in real life would feel compelled to send money to a stranger.

@BettyBardMacDonald you aren't compelled but it's a nice thing to do. The bride thought enough of OPs friendship with her mother to invite her to the wedding.

As OP has said this is in Ireland (and is on Craicnet), so I guess the "planet" is Ireland!
It would not be normal to send €20 gift card, it would be better to send nothing!

@FoFanta as you can see there's lots of different opinions on this, talk to your friend and take their advice.

I'd rather give £50 of my hard-earned money to people in need. Couples throwing a big wedding don't need it

In Ireland I thing there is a need for a token gift round the 50 Euro mark. Weddings are so different here compared to the UK.

150 if not attending?

Madness

You’re definitely not Irish!

Would they be Irish etiquette books?
If not, they don't apply here!

€50 is a very small gift for a wedding in Ireland. Still very nice from someone who's not attending, but it's the minimum people would spend.

When you come across something unfamiliar from another culture, you might want to try reading rather than criticising. You might learn something.

I'd say €50 voucher too.

I know, what a strange approach! Does that mean you give less to a poor couple who can't afford a top venue?!

Yeah I hate to say it but no Irish person would say “ ah that’s a lovely tea towel I’ll send it to Mary and John for their wedding”

Can you imagine.

Maybe if it was embroidered by the Pope?

That’s very generous. I don’t think that is the norm. A £50 John Lewis voucher is ample.