How do I get my DD away from Irish dancing?

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She has only been going for a few months and already wants the costume, treble shoes, and to go to a feis every other weekend.

I have only allowed her to go to one Feis so far, and despite it just being the local one of the school and for age 10 and under, mostly beginners, there were plenty of wigs and fake tan and make up, glittery socks etc.

I can see where this is going and I wish I had never let her start at all. But the classes are literally next door to us in the community centre, so for the last 2 years she has seen her friends go and I guess I just thought she would try it and not be interested. All her friends go.

Or I thought naively (?) that I could allow her to go just to the lessons and not compete. But the teacher really seems to push the feis “hope to see you all there” etc. I can’t believe how many there are! I don’t want us to spend our weekends going to them and I hate the stuff that everyone hates about them - the pageant vibe.

She is already pretty good but as well as liking the actual dancing, she’s showing every sign of liking mostly the lure of trophies, the costume, the glitz, and she already wants to compete, compete, compete and win, win, win!

The school costume costs £200 new and given how short they wear them, looks like it would fit for about 6 months, if even.

Can’t believe I’m in this situation. I have, up until now, been all happy clappy and willing to let her lead the way with her interests - not push her into anything or away from anything. She has tried ballet, drama and football. She quite liked all of them but it was definitely the social side she enjoyed. She still does football. But this Irish dancing has got under her skin in a different way.

She is 8.

Advice? Solidarity?

There are Irish dancing places that don't push the costumes etc... I did Irish dancing and never once fake-tanned or bought a wig. I would just say to her that she can do the lessons but you're not paying for the other stuff. My daughter does GAA: both camogie and football. It's so reasonable. 60 euro a year for the foireann subscription and 8 euro a month subs. New boots every year and the gear occasionally but it's not outrageous. I recommend it as a hobby because it keeps her busy but the outgoings are low. She has three matches this week.

Lol to the suggestion of me doing it too! Love it. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer and my time to shine is now!? And I am old enough to wear the make up and she’s not, so move over girl!

Thanks to everyone who responded. There are no non-competitive schools near me plus she doesn’t want to change schools as all her friends go to the one she’s in. Which as I say is next door.

I am happy for her to have hobbies of course and to take her places. With football there are lots of matches and fixtures and of course the possibility to share lifts etc. No problem. And I don’t mind being stood out in the cold. So yes I guess it’s the feis that leaves me cold. Nice to see my daughter dance but seeing the other competitors in wigs and fake tan…it’s a very disconcerting way of performing femininity and as been said, beauty pageant. The older you get the more fake you need to look. Re the older girls wanting to wear the make up anyway. I have never seen a teenage girl wearing that kind of make up or fake tan in real life. The teenager dancers I know are very much into the natural look in real life.

To those who suggested I need to get my daughter to compromise, I agree and this is what I’ve been trying to do. We said from the outset “Only local feis and only three a year, and no costume.” She agreed to this but keeps trying to renegotiate, like multiple times a day. Every week she comes back from the lesson with talk of the next feis and when is she getting a dress etc. So I can see why other posters suggested nipping this in the bud. Slippery slope…….

Is it necessary to do the wigs and fake tan?

I'd be tempted to allow her to continue but make a stance about that and hope that actually the sport changes in a way.

Scotland have very recently banned expensive tech suits for simmers under 14 to make competition more inclusive. I do think other sports could, should and will follow suit.

Other than that I'm not one to be able to say don't support your child's sport.

My ds is a swimmer. That involves a lot more than 4 hours training a week (he's now doing 21!!!!).

I had no idea he'd be so good but I'd hate to think if I'd have refused to provide him the opportunity he wanted he'd have missed out on being where he is now.

Tell her if she doesn't stop trying to change your mind about a costume you will stop paying for classes altogether.
Does she enjoy the football and is she good?
Because as she gets older training/classes and matches/feiseanna will clash and she will have to make a choice anyway.
My sister gave up Irish dancing for camogie about 10, the dance teacher was cross with her for not doing a feis because there was a match on so she left.
The problem with naturally athletic children is all the teachers/trainers want them!

Yes I'm afraid it's that or move house!

So much sympathy OP. We got around all this by having 4 children and never having enough money - could that be an option? We told them if they worked hard at school they could pay for their own hobbies and holidays later...
Tbf it worked quite well!

Don't mean to be facetious- I really do feel your pain and I'm happy to be old enough that stuff like this wasn't pushed to the same extent 35 years ago!

The wigs are very convenient. It takes me 10 minutes max to put my daughters bun wig up and into a nice tidy hairstyle. Otherwise would take me up to an hour to curl her long hair which doesn't hold curls well.

Bit off topic - but don't the girls get very hot dancing in those fright wigs? Not to mention dehydrated.

100 % agree with the pps who suggested set dancing. Great fun , my boys learnt the Walls of Limerick etc at Irish summer school. It gives children confidence and gets them socialising.

If the teenage dancers you know are very much into a natural look off stage , perhap you could view the "look" as play ?

I can’t offer advice but I can empathise. When my son was at school his best friend was a competitive swimmer and I used to thank god every day my son wasn’t interested in it. I couldn’t have dealt with all the responsibilities and expense a competitive interest like that incurs.

But what's with the curls anyway? Not many people have naturally curly hair. It's like some bizarre Irishness purity test. And you could go snowblind looking at most people round here. So the fake tan is completely bonkers and fooling nobody.

I'm hugely confused Ted.

This reminds me of one of DD's friends a few years back - her mum didn't allow the girl to gain any weight because she wouldn't fit into her costume. I felt sorry for her and angry with the mum, although I never met her. The child was stick thin and always refused food, even a piece of fruit after school.

Sorry OP to derail your thread but since when did joining your child to a GAA or a soccer team deem you not sensible and a helicopter parent! The mind boggles. And calling parents standing on the sideline weirdo’s? And martyr sacrifices! Really? I do not understand your post at all, highly judgmental and goady.

DD did it for a while and was quite good. But the costs were crippling. We just couldnt afford it. Also hated the wigs and after getting a bollocking for turning up to a feis with her hair just curled( we used rags) we had enough and called it a day.

I think you missed the humour in @QueenCamilla 's post @Hedjwitch

I'm team Camilla there's a middle ground to be had.

Sorry I meant @Insideallday

Save the faux outrage. DS plays soccer, GAA, and rugby, as well as taking guitar lessons. What said was that I had no intention of subordinating my weeknights and weekends to schlepping him about to training and distant away games, because I also have a life. You may have signed up to a life that involves prioritising your child’s hobbies over everything else, but that is your decision. It’s not a universal requirement, or a pillar of parenting. His friends’ parents are similar — we pool lifts as much as possible, on the understanding that the boys will get themselves to and from training when they are slightly older.

I regard those parents I see on here who talk about eating sandwiches for dinner in the car while driving children between activities on the average week night as quite mad, but they’re just making different decisions to me. My version of being a parent involves the understanding that everyone in the family facilitating one another to an extent.

To return to the OP, her feelings about her DD’s hobby matter too, especially if she’s devoting considerable money and time to facilitating it.

@unfortunateevents

Riverdance! Plus influence from shows like strictly come dancing. A shame, I did it in England and it was pretty innocent back then

I had no idea Irish dancing was like this. I felt the same (deeply uncomfortable) about my daughter’s first ballet school and suggested she start drama which was completely different in that respect and she fell in love with it. She does now do dancing again but I found a much less over the top school citing timetable reasons.

To those who suggested I need to get my daughter to compromise, I agree and this is what I’ve been trying to do. We said from the outset “Only local feis and only three a year, and no costume

I would go this way, but let her have the costume for her birthday or Christmas, and maybe slightly more of the local feis.

Just set your boundaries (with the teacher as much as anyone) about what you can afford and how much bling you buy into. It's amazingly good exercise. My daughters tried other things for a few years but came back to it.

I’d have hated it if my DD wanted to do it (she did ballet and tap, and that was bad enough for shows but at least in a sensible get up!)

Anyone else's mind slightly boggling at the idea of tutus and pointe shoes as a sensible get up?

My daughter has danced competitively for years now, but in ballet, jazz etc. That's expensive but I had no idea how much more Irish dancing was.
There's a huge crowd of dance mums who I feel are living their dream through their child and I avoid those.
But as for wigs, fake tan and gluing socks up (seriously? What with), that's a step too far.

After reading this, yes they do sound ok!!

@QueenCamilla it isnt about just getting themselves to the club/activity though. Its about cheering them on in a game or competition. Them knowing you are there to support them. My DP often talks about how he facilitated his rugby hobby but also that he was always the one without someone cheering him on on the sidelines or buying him a hotdog after the game. My kids will always have a face in the crowd cheering them on (not during training obvs, that would be weird)

@NCTDN As an ex gym mum we always had butt glue around so I guess its the same stuff. It was a small roll on that you used to stick your leotard in place so it doesnt ride up when competing. Hairspray can do much the same job. The leotard just peels away afterwards.