Irish deaths

[Champooforyou]

I'm not Irish by the way, but I was just reading another thread about how Irish people manage death so much better, and I wondered how?

I'm south wales valleys and we're very comfortable with death, if someone is dying everyone knows and you'll go and visit, say your goodbyes. The family keep a vigil so no one dies alone. If you've missed the death you'll go to the Chapel of Rest and say goodbye. Everyone you ever met goes to the funeral, even people who you never met if they have a link, like they work with your daughter in law or suchlike.

After the funeral the family get cakes and pies and babysitting for weeks or months afterwards. On the anniversary everyone goes to the pub.

Suicide is talked about, it's not tabboo. The only sad death is if someone died alone or of course if they were young and it wasn't their time.

Are things the same in Ireland, or are you even better at death? I can't help wondering if it's so bad in England due to all the repressed emotion and stiff upper lip type stuff.

I'm English and this is an education for me.

it might just be that I'm used to it being a certain way, but reading about this makes me grateful it was how it was here. I'd never have coped with people coming and going like that, or having to do a funeral quickly, or with people we didn't know being there.

I actually asked mum if we could have a private funeral for dad but she thought his community work would mean that people would be cross or upset.

we refused most visitors before the funeral. Only really really close friends came. We were lucky no one just turned up, everyone checked to see if we were ready for visitors and most of them were told "not yet" because mum was in such a bad state.

so we had a lot of visitors after the funeral and mum struggled with that tbh.

But we are awful at dealing with death. Im English and DH's family are Irish.
When my DGPs died my DM didn't want to go to the chapel of rest, and also didn't want tea / cakes after the service. All fine, her choice, but at the same time it's really isolating. I was amazed the first time I experienced an Irish family death. It definitely felt healthier although very weird to me as an "outsider".
I studied death and dying years ago, and the rituals that many places have play such an important role in normalising death (and grief). We just don't really have anything specific in England any more. It's not sneery / rude to say that, it's just fact.

Sorry my post was a bit unclear. The Mass will take place before the funeral here also. The month's mind mass is just a bit of moral support for the bereaved.

5 weeks is insane though. Adds to the worry surely.

About 99.9% of the English bashing on Mn is done by English people.

Condolences on the loss of your husband. Five weeks must have felt like we’re stuck in limbo … it’s an awfully long time to have to wait.
I’m Irish and like the others have said, the quick turnaround seems to help, as do all the stories etc. When my nana died we had the afters in a pub with singing, stories etc. I remember saying that she would have loved it all.

Oh this is heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine the pain of knowing my loved one was alone that length of time

Christ Almighty pull yourself together woman.

This a short video where he talks about his father's death. Very poignant I think.

The actual Mass is the same but I've never seen an English Catholic removal like they have in Ireland.
Month's Mind is also a big thing in Ireland - not so much in England.

If there needs to be a post mortem then the funeral may have to be delayed - but not always, if the post mortem can be done quickly enough.

This thread is making me realise I should never talk about death
I mean, I don't in general, but if I did, I think people might be quite offended.

The different perspectives are so interesting. My dads funeral was huge and one of the greatest comforts for me was seeing all the different people who's life he had touched. People I had never met but who all had a story about him, maybe from childhood, or his first job, his hobbies, his golf buddies

He was home for 3 nights as we waited for family from abroad so one night was just family and very close friends. It's was all joyous and heartbreaking in equal measure.

Well I've got my plot for DH and myself in the local graveyard thanks to my PILs buying it then moving so no longer needing it.

When my nephew died nearly 3 years ago my sister bought a double graveyard to take 6 people and it cost €420.

@EmmaEmerald

I think it's just what you are used to (re customs around death).

In Ireland, it's just normal for funerals to happen quickly & have anyone & everyone attend. It actually gets you through the first week or so ... but you are exhausted afterwards. My dad had had quite a senior public role & getting through the crowds sympathising at the funeral home, then at the removal (church part where the body is brought to the church the day before the funeral), the funeral itself & finally at the graveside ... it was draining but also lovely. What most of us hope for is to be loved & remembered ... and so many people coming helps reinforce that.

I cross-posted with you @Flounder2022 - very similar sentiments!

But clearly his close family don't want to see him there.

"Cemetery Sunday" is more of a thing in Ireland, too. Once a year, Mass is held in the Cemetery (so e. In preparation, the families clean up the family plot for the occasion, put fresh flowers down etc.

On the day, the families stand by the graves of their loved ones (which are now newly spruced up) and as part of the service, the priest will come by each grave and sprinkle it with holy water.

But in terms of the Irish being 'good at death' - we do love to say that about ourselves. And in truth, we do the obsequies well, but there can be a great difference in how people approach death and the conversations around it.

Some people are great; others will cross the road rather than ask how someone is, or keep their distance.

Not everyone in Ireland is great at talking about death!

Some funerals happen very quickly in the UK. I’ve known Jewish and Muslim ones to happen within a day or two.
I therefore don’t know why there is such a delay for everyone else?

My Mum found the Irish way of just talking about the deceased in the usual everyday manner was very comforting.
She hated the way M-I-L would deliberately change the subject and not mention Dad at all after he died.
But these differences are to be expected: Mum is Irish, she was brought up in the culture.
M-I-L is English and thought she was being helpful and was mortified to discover she was having the opposite effect.

English but Irish grandparents on df's side. Dh's family are Irish descent as well. There's love, sadness, grief and celebration- along with an intense practicality around the way our family deal with death. I' ve noticed my Irish descent friends tend to have the same attitude with us talking openly about upcoming deaths in a way in which we can't with those who don't have that background. Some of.our friends were amazed the kids attended funerals. They were always given the option of attending but we'd never keep them away if they were happy to go.

My DGF wrote in his will about setting aside a bottle of whiskey to be poured over his grave. It had the sub clause "and it isn't to pass through you bastard's kidneys first, neither" Made us cackle.

Is it partly to do with inviting people?

In Ireland people just come (and it's an accepted joke, tho true, that there are some people my mum who make a point of going to any funeral they can, no matter how tenuous the connection) but I know in England, people are invited so I guess organising this takes some time?

My best friend is like this! I call her the black widow!

It’s perhaps related to inviting people.

In Jewish communities, the family sit shiva which is a type of wake where anyone can come visit the house to pay respects but it’s AFTER the funeral and often for 7 days so I guess perhaps that becomes the focus.

'But in terms of the Irish being 'good at death' - we do love to say that about ourselves. And in truth, we do the obsequies well, but there can be a great difference in how people approach death and the conversations around it.

Some people are great; others will cross the road rather than ask how someone is, or keep their distance.

Not everyone in Ireland is great at talking about death!'

Very well said. As I mentioned upthread, my Irish family gave us no emotional support when my ILs died, but many English friends and colleagues were very kind, thoughtful, and gave me space to talk about my experience as I wanted to. It's way more complex than the stereotypes would have us believe

I suppose it’s just an unusual concept for me. I’m used to a very different way, it’s hard to put myself in that way of doing it.