Help escape abuse MIL

[Babybrain101]

I need help so sorry for the long ish post ( i wont go fully into all the details)

So i live with my partner at his mums house ( she hasnt live there for a year as she “moved in” with her boyfriend so since she moved out i moved in). She is due to return home in a couple of weeks due to things ending with her boyfriend. I may state his mum does have mental health issues. But for the last few weeks she has been telling lies to other family members. She has told them she wants a lock on her bedroom door because her son steals from her ( he never has and never will ) , she keeps giving us constant orders and really being bossy about it. My partner had to explain he works so he doesn’t have the time to do absolutely everything for her but every time she doesnt get her way she starts an argument or threatens to kick him out.
She has been in and out of mental health hospitals. Over the years i have known him she has consistently threatened to kick him out, kill his animals , attack him and me ect. She told the police he abuses her ( he would never do a thing like that ) we tried to speak to her CPN but they always believe her. My partner tried to get citizens advice to move out but was told no unless he has the money to they wont be able to help. I’ve tried to explain to my partner i understand she has mental health but this is now abuse at this point. In the past he said she has attacked him ect.
we are in a desperate place to need to move out with no help. I am also currently in early stage pregnancy and i also dont work due to health issues so i dont exactly have alot of money. We are scraping by each week because his mum will leave us to pay for everything ( she also doesnt work but spends all her money on drugs and alcohol). Saving up for a house seems impossible now but we need to get out for our own safety and sanity ( i may add she has countless outstanding loans unpaid so its also affected my partners credit score)
any advice would be great? Uk based so if anyone know anything about how to buy a house? ( we honestly cant work out how you go about even buying one) it would be absolutely wonderful

I would look at the very cheapest rental place. Even a studio flat for a year. If you are very early on in your pregnancy I would act like it is just you and your partner moving in

That way you have the smallest outgoings on rent, gas and electric (paying for a studio flat is going to cost less than a 2 or 3 bed house) insurance council tax etc

I would also look at Entitledto website and put in address and figures based on a studio flat that is up on Rightmove to get an idea what benefits you would be entitled to if you hypothetically moved there

I think you need to look at your partners and your credit file. His mother’s debts shouldn’t be affecting his credit score

I would sit down with your partner and go through both of your bank statements credit card statements etc and look at where your money is going.
This will tell you your monthly income and also your monthly outgoings

I would put down columns of where your outgoings are going

I.e bills that you have to pay (wherever you live)

Food shopping

Eating out/takeaways/lunches etc

Car expenses

Parking/public transport/tolls.etc

One offs like birthday presents etc

personal spending etc

look at each section and see if you can reduce or even illiminate any expenses but be careful that if you illiminate one expense that other expenses don’t rise by more than the cost you have illiminated

Food is where I think most people can save if organised more

Going vegetarian is something to consider or having a few vegetarian meals each week

If the bills are not in yours or your partners name I would not pay anything more to them and I would also remove either of your names off any bills which are in either of your names and transfer them back to his mothers name as she is moving back in.

Save any money these bills would have paid and put that towards your rental deposit

I would also look at selling clothes or anything you can to raise the balance of the deposit or the first months rent.

Then do not get back together with the boyfriend unless he A) agrees to go no-contact with his mother and move to another area away from her AND B) marry you, for your financial security.

Just to be clear, don't move back in with him until AFTER he has moved out of her house and booked the registry office.

Good luck in finding somewhere

I would also not give out your new address to anyone.

Once you have moved out and into your own place start having a look at cheaper areas even if they are hundreds of miles away and see if your partner can find a job there and then rent a cheap 1 bedder in that location to see if you like it and then save to buy in that area

You should not be having a baby in this situation, and buying a house is not your priority for now. Your focus should be to save enough to find somewhere to rent while focusing on how to improve your income so you can be more independent.

It makes no sense having a baby when you can't even both live independently without staying at his abusive mothers house. Do you both work full-time?

And I haven't heard anything about this family that makes them a good family to get involved with and have a baby with, nothing at all, drugs, addictions, laziness, drama etc

I also think he should stop paying all the rent, then she will have to find it, If she threatens to kick him out say ye will not go until ye have that in writing ( e-mail), then go to the housing association and state homelessness, If she won’t give you it in writing, do not leave and still don’t pay rent, save that rent for a private rental and move out when you have enough money saved in a couple of months

She sounds awfull

Leave. Get out. Get away from her. You cannot bring a new baby into the world under these circumstances. They won't be safe around her.

You and your partner have decided to be adult enough to bring a child into this world so grow up and fix this easily solved problem.

Expand your search of where to live and go and rent somewhere yourselves. Stop being so dependent and involved in his dysfunctional family and start focusing on your own.

I have looked at the ones that say about renting but when we have looked alot of places here say no pets or no children? We are london based idk if its just this area ? We are exstending our search due to this

Just get cracking on finding somewhere to live now! You said you are in early stages so you don't even have to disclose you are pregnant. I don't know what the relevance of pets is - I hope to goodness there isn't a pet involved here as well? Several other people have covered the difficulty of renting in London so I'm not going to add to that.

I would seize the chance to start a new life somewhere exciting. Rent somewhere in a part of the country you can both find employment and make your own way in the world.

OP how old are you? Where are your parents?

You are coming across as very young. Either that or something about this isn’t quite right.

First steps would seem to be a termination, a new bank account and a rented room.

What job does your partner do? If it's something he can easily do anywhere, move to a cheaper area and away from this madness. When you get yourselves set up with a rental and are financially stable, you could re-consider the baby.

This

If she is also violent etc and living in that house with you when baby arrives. Expect social services to step in. You need to sort something asap. Your first steps are to find some kind of employment and house

A whilst the mum also got housing benefits!! I can bet DWP don’t know they all lived there. Nor that she moved out and kept her kids there

Why can’t you and your bf simply NOT pay? Your name is not on the house so leave it to her to sort for a change.

Please don't tell me you also have pets!

Struggling to comprehend what chronic illness prevents a young woman from working but able to have a baby.

As others have said, this situation is a total mess.

I kinda get it, We have a colleague in similar situation and she's stuck in the mind set of I have to make it right I have to pay. You are all enabling her. If she is getting HB and spending it, thats on her, not paying her way, again thats on her. Stop paying anything your names are not on. Let the bills pile up its her that has the choice to get the money sent straight to landlord or to her. Bank the money and you'll have a deposit in no time. I know it sounds callus but she has issues and her support workers should be helping after all when you go you hav e to be prepared to remain determined to not get sucked back in even a tiny bit or your wee ones life gets stuck in the cycle too

As above, what illness is it that prevents you from working but able to have a baby, and why did you think any of this was a good idea?!

Bringing a child into a toxic, unstable environment such as this is the height of stupidity.

Ignore the comments re disability, not working & having a baby - so offensive. Disabled people can have children! Maybe not working allows her to have a child! Anyways I would approach the council yourself as homeless & request to be housed. You could look for a private let & claim UC for the housing element if eligible?

Let me guess, the baby wasn’t planned…

Because it’s always these types who have so called contraceptive failures….

This with bells on. Seems to be commonplace to bring a child into the world and and then expect everyone else to accommodate, help and pay for it. It's used as an excuse.

Totally irresponsible. I'm sick of giving sympathy to parents that purposely brought their children into a lifetime of poverty.

Op you have said upthread that you are just 'scraping by' so I don't really understand how you will provide for a child or be able to rent a property?

She can't "make" him pay. It's fair that he pays if he's the one living there, but he can find somewhere else to live and just stop paying for her property. He needs to just tell the utility companies and council that he's moving out, so they can send send a final bill for him. He doesn't have to tell the property owner because he doesn't have a rental agreement with them. Obviously he needs to tell his mum he's moved out so she can arrange to start paying for everything.

There's nothing she can do about him moving out or stopping paying for everything because he's legally allowed to do these things. Morally, he needs to put his family first from now on, his family being him/you/your baby, not his mum etc.

His mum will have to pay for her own property if she's living there. If she wants to live elsewhere and rent it out to someone, she can. If she wants to live there and get a lodger to rent the spare bedroom, for extra income, she can. She should tell the council she's living there alone if that's true because then she'll get 25% discount on council tax. She may also additionally qualify for council tax reduction depending on her income level. If she's too mentally unstable to work, she can claim universal credit and pay her living expenses with that.

She gets housing benefits ect but all of that goes on to drugs and alcohol

His mum's life choices are her responsibility, not his. He needs to disengage from her choices, live his own life and let her live hers.

You and boyfriend can join the register for a council flat because you live in the area, but because you're not homeless you won't get temporary housing while you wait and you won't be a priority. Realistically this means you'll be waiting decades for a council flat, so in the meantime you need to find a private rental. If your household income is low you may qualify for some universal credit to help pay your living costs.

In terms of having a baby whilst unable to work due to chronic illness - just because you can, doesn't mean you should. If your chronic illness permits you to carry a pregnancy to term and look after a newborn and later a toddler, it would also permit you to work in a non manual job.

This. A baby/child is much MUCH harder work than a job. If you're too unwell for a job, you cannot possibly look after a child.

Seeing as you say you can look after a child (have you close friends or family with kids? You've no idea unless you've been immersed in it for at least a few days), then you must get a job and start saving.

How can you manage a baby if you can't do a job of work???

Plenty of disabled people work! Maybe she should have worked and saved to be in a position to have a baby?? Like most of us do?