Help escape abuse MIL

[Babybrain101]

I need help so sorry for the long ish post ( i wont go fully into all the details)

So i live with my partner at his mums house ( she hasnt live there for a year as she “moved in” with her boyfriend so since she moved out i moved in). She is due to return home in a couple of weeks due to things ending with her boyfriend. I may state his mum does have mental health issues. But for the last few weeks she has been telling lies to other family members. She has told them she wants a lock on her bedroom door because her son steals from her ( he never has and never will ) , she keeps giving us constant orders and really being bossy about it. My partner had to explain he works so he doesn’t have the time to do absolutely everything for her but every time she doesnt get her way she starts an argument or threatens to kick him out.
She has been in and out of mental health hospitals. Over the years i have known him she has consistently threatened to kick him out, kill his animals , attack him and me ect. She told the police he abuses her ( he would never do a thing like that ) we tried to speak to her CPN but they always believe her. My partner tried to get citizens advice to move out but was told no unless he has the money to they wont be able to help. I’ve tried to explain to my partner i understand she has mental health but this is now abuse at this point. In the past he said she has attacked him ect.
we are in a desperate place to need to move out with no help. I am also currently in early stage pregnancy and i also dont work due to health issues so i dont exactly have alot of money. We are scraping by each week because his mum will leave us to pay for everything ( she also doesnt work but spends all her money on drugs and alcohol). Saving up for a house seems impossible now but we need to get out for our own safety and sanity ( i may add she has countless outstanding loans unpaid so its also affected my partners credit score)
any advice would be great? Uk based so if anyone know anything about how to buy a house? ( we honestly cant work out how you go about even buying one) it would be absolutely wonderful

If his mother is receiving housing benefit then it is not her house it is her home, so she is renting ? Council or private landlord ?

I don't think he shouldn't be paying the whole rent and all expenses. He should be paying a fair contribution and pulling his weight in a fair way and should live without abuse.

OP are any of the bills he is paying in full in his name/ can he prove he's been paying these things to show he can support himself elsewhere?

Where is your partner's dad?
Can you and your partner move in with other family such as his sister or your mum and dad?
You could both then save a deposit.

So at one point there was:
Your partner (employed and contributing)
His sister (employed and contributing)
You (presumably employed at one point, now on sickness benefit or something as you say you can pay for a baby)
All contributing towards the rent and bills.

Yet you have no money saved? How did that happen?

Have you looked on Rightmove yet to see what a 1 - 2 bedroom rental is in your area? Does your boyfriend have the equivalent of two month's rent in his bank account right now?

If you have 2 weeks, and your finances are stable enough that you believe a baby is a sensible option right now, you could be in a 1 - 2 bedroom rented flat before she returns to the property. I definitely think you need to be 100% gone, with your boyfriend's name off every single bill BEFORE she gets back.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/moving-house-checklist/

Buying a house in 2 weeks is not on the table for you. Renting is.

I don't know why you are not responding to people who are suggesting that you take the money you are paying on rent now and just rent somewhere else?? Buying is completely unrealistic. You don't need to own a house just because you are having a baby. If your MIL is as unstable as you say she is and has drug and alcohol problems then you can't remain where you are.

Also, and this might not be quite what you want to hear, but your boyfriend sounds unhealthily enmeshed with his mother. This is not going to change, even when you move out - she will always harrass you, and will 100% be looking for money from him even if you are living elsewhere. What will you do if he says "babe, we can't just leave her with ALL those bills on her own - I'm just going to help her out for a few months... maybe it would be easier if we moved back in with her..."?

Do you want to bring a baby into this family dynamic? Because you don't have to. This reality shock might be giving you your last opportunity to consider your options.

Maybe your boyfriend has had enough and is ready to 100% cut ties and start his life with you. Only you can weigh that up.

Does his mum actually own the house?
Would you be able to rent privately? Even just a one bed for you and your partner?
I think the best thing would be is to leave. Things are complicated by you living in her house so make your life easier and find your own place to live. I'm sure you are entitled to UC to help with rent.

if your partner works and paying for everything in his mothers house why aren’t you looking for somewhere else to rent just the two of you as the money he’s paying at his mums would be used for that instead.

you probably should have thought about all of this before you decided to bring another life into this world.

you’re not going to be handed a house on a plate. Your partner works, sort it out yourself.

I can't believe you'd bring a baby into this mess.
If you think you can look after a baby, which is hard work, you can work part time at least.
There's no chance of buying a house , you'd need a deposit, solicitors fees , it costs thousands to buy a house.
Your best option is to try and find a private rental , but you won't be a very attractive prospect, and landlords are choosy now.
My friend had 6 couples to choose from.

lol you're brave to say it but I agree with you.

Am also puzzled as to why you moved in with him? Where were you living before?

I don't understand why your partner doesn't simply look for a rental property and use the money he's spending on paying the bills for his mother's property on paying for his own?

This isn't as complicated as you're making out. Neither of you are in a position to buy a property, so you rent, like millions of others do.

His mother's debts will not impact his credit score, so if he's claiming that to be the case he's either confused or being dishonest with you.

Surely before you got pregnant you'd both have known whether you could afford to house yourselves and your child?

@Babybrain101 I am quite confused by this story. mum is the tenant, is that right? her pays lodgings to her? why is he paying the rent and council tax? is he a joint tenant? is he on the council tax list? stop paying everything, save the money and everyone will be evicted. you then have deposit for home for yourselves and mum can do what she wants. why did he go to cba for advice to move out?? how would you expect financial help to move out?? mothers debts are nothing to do with him!

OP you’re not going to be able to save a deposit to buy a house in less than 9 months on only 1 salary, plus legal fees, plus a whole new house worth of furniture/appliance, while also buying everything you need for a baby, and get moved out before baby is born unless you already between you have a good amount saved towards a deposit. That’s not going to happen, it’s not realistic. Even where I am which I’d say is a relatively cheap area to buy/live compared to others you’d beed £20k ish to buy somewhere between deposit, solicitors, searches, furniture etc AND without a job for you & with bad credit for him (if that’s true) then you’re not going to get approved for a mortgage anyway.

BUT I agree that it’s not a safe environment for a baby, or yourselves, so you need to put everything you can towards finding somewhere yourselves to rent. The good news is that his name isn’t actually on his mum’s flat so actually he’s not on the hook for those payments, start saving now. Have a look at what you’d need to rent in your area money wise and start applying for anything and everything once you have the money ready to go. Financially (again in my area) to rent you typically need to pay 2 months of rent + a deposit upfront, on a flat where I am that could be as little as £2000, and the move in process is much quicker than buying somewhere. Start saving and start applying.

So your MIL is renting the house and it's in her sole name, but your oh is paying the rent as she spends her HB on alcohol and drugs.

So he just stops. Make sure every utility bill is also in her sole name then he stops making any payments and tells his mum she now has to pay these.

Then he takes all this money and uses towards his own rented property.

As a pp said, no, his mums debts have NOT affected his credit score. He's either confused or lying to you.

Imagine bringing a baby into this fucking mess. Awful.

OP, if you can afford to, you need to privately rent. How much is your boyfriend earning? I'm assuming you receive benefits and PIP also? You need to sit down and figure out what you can afford to spend on rent and bills.

If you can't privately rent (area dependent - this could be anywhere between £400-£1,000+ for a one bed, and then add bills which even for the basics could be £400+ per month) you'll need to present yourselves to the council as homeless again. Make it clear you're pregnant, and although your partners mum 'will' house you, you believe her to be mentally unstable and a threat to your unborn child. You'll probably be put in temporary accommodation, and then eventually given somewhere to live.

I'd just really be aware that this is going to be difficult for you. If you're struggling on his income as is (no savings) it's going to be far, far worse when you're fully responsible for yourselves in rented accommodation with a baby. Depending on his salary, you may be entitled to some UC - which could include a housing element - but ultimately raising a child on a small single income (again assuming here based on the lack of savings) is a struggle. People around me living on similar incomes and it's TOUGH - going into it prepared for that helps, I think.

Of course he should be paying when he's living there and she's not... do you not know how the world works?

She doesn't currently live there though. So it makes sense he's paying the bills. When she returns in a few weeks sounds like she might throw them out anyway which would help their case to the council.

(Despite the fact there's very obvious benefit fraud going on here too).

If your "MIL" is in receipt of Housing Benefit or the housing element of Universal Credit for the property but had been living elsewhere, she's been commuting benefit fraud.

Do Social Security know that you and BF live there too? If so, there should be a non-dependent deduction on her help with housing costs for each of you (assuming she's not getting any disability benefits).

This sounds like a complete mess OP and the credit score thing is BS. Are you certain your BF is telling you the whole truth?

In terms of having a baby whilst unable to work due to chronic illness - just because you can, doesn't mean you should. If your chronic illness permits you to carry a pregnancy to term and look after a newborn and later a toddler, it would also permit you to work in a non manual job.

None of what you said makes sense. If your partner is currently paying for everything in his mums house, then he can just stop and pay everything in a new rental instead? How can he afford all of one but not the other? Also do you have carers? You say you’re too sick to work, but you’re somehow going to raise a baby (while your partner works full time) which is far harder? There’s really not many conditions that stop people being able to work even part time, I could list all mine, I still have work because I don’t get the luxury to choose to stay at home. Are you on some sort of sickness benefits? You need to stop laying the blame on your mil for anything and everything she does in her own house, it’s HER house ffs! Honestly I’d terminate the pregnancy as this is an absolute shit show to bring a baby into, and sort your life out

This is your 'out' and it needs to asap, get another rental and move there and leave her to her house, you and your DP are under no obligation to house her, she is housed, and she can pay for it or face the consequences.

Time for you to both stand on your own 2 feet away from her

this is not rocket science at all, it's basic common sense - see if you can get help with a deposit and it should be a lot easier.

Bringing a baby into this chaotic situation is selfish and just wrong op. There, I’ve said it.

Go on rightmove get a rented place and move simple. A flat is better than where you are living. Maybe get a job yourself?

Or go back to your parents and he lives separately from you

He moved out and into a room in a shared house. You do the same. The cost of a room will be far less than rent, council tax, gas and electric, water etc. Most rooms include utilities so you'd both be able to save for a deposit on a 2 bedroom rented house.

Op, maybe you can help me here.
I'm confused as to why if he pays rent and bills at her house he simply can't move out and pay rent and bills elsewhere ?
Your options aren't only stay there or become homeless surely ?
If you're not in a position to save up a deposit as a couple, I'm not sure how you're in a position to raise a baby tbh