Help escape abuse MIL

[Babybrain101]

I need help so sorry for the long ish post ( i wont go fully into all the details)

So i live with my partner at his mums house ( she hasnt live there for a year as she “moved in” with her boyfriend so since she moved out i moved in). She is due to return home in a couple of weeks due to things ending with her boyfriend. I may state his mum does have mental health issues. But for the last few weeks she has been telling lies to other family members. She has told them she wants a lock on her bedroom door because her son steals from her ( he never has and never will ) , she keeps giving us constant orders and really being bossy about it. My partner had to explain he works so he doesn’t have the time to do absolutely everything for her but every time she doesnt get her way she starts an argument or threatens to kick him out.
She has been in and out of mental health hospitals. Over the years i have known him she has consistently threatened to kick him out, kill his animals , attack him and me ect. She told the police he abuses her ( he would never do a thing like that ) we tried to speak to her CPN but they always believe her. My partner tried to get citizens advice to move out but was told no unless he has the money to they wont be able to help. I’ve tried to explain to my partner i understand she has mental health but this is now abuse at this point. In the past he said she has attacked him ect.
we are in a desperate place to need to move out with no help. I am also currently in early stage pregnancy and i also dont work due to health issues so i dont exactly have alot of money. We are scraping by each week because his mum will leave us to pay for everything ( she also doesnt work but spends all her money on drugs and alcohol). Saving up for a house seems impossible now but we need to get out for our own safety and sanity ( i may add she has countless outstanding loans unpaid so its also affected my partners credit score)
any advice would be great? Uk based so if anyone know anything about how to buy a house? ( we honestly cant work out how you go about even buying one) it would be absolutely wonderful

Best thing you can do for this poor baby is have it adopted out from birth.

Bringing a baby into this irresponsible mess is just cruel.

Obviously, I don't know what your chronic health condition is, but lots of people still do work with chronic health conditions, not because they want to necessarily, because they have to, to keep a roof over their heads. I do find it odd that you say a pregnancy and a baby isn't affected by your health condition, yet it means you are unable to work. Babies are hard work physically and mentally, do you realise that?

This whole situation is a complete mess. You really should have been more careful to not bring a new life into this. You need to do everything you can to protect your baby, go to the council for help if needs be. If your boyfriend won't leave the house and rent privately, then you'll just have to leave on your own and get help elsewhere. As others have said, he's unhealthily enmeshed with his mother, so I wouldn't be relying on him to support you or your baby.

In terms of paying everything for her house, of course, she's not living in it, so the costs should be covered by those living in it. If you don't like it, you both need to find a rental property, even a one-bed flat would be enough for a couple with a baby, and just go non-contact with the MIL. If he's working, he can pay rent, you don't need a council house for that, and then you can also claim whatever you're entitled to for your condition and baby, although, I really do think it's irresponsible to bring a baby into this when you don't seem to be able to afford to. You say you can afford the baby, but how when you can't afford to house yourselves??

You've discredited this lady from the off, by stating she has "mental health issues" like that is meant to think of her unfavourably.

You don't know if your boyfriend has stolen before. You're living in her house and she has a right to feel safe in it.

I don't like how you're framing her as a liar, just because she has trauma.

He doesnt know , his mum left his dad when he was a baby. His name not on his birth certificate and she wont say who his dad is . She is the same with her daughter

No i stated that for an understanding that i know its not entirely her fault but she is fully aware of her actions. She boasts about the way she treats her children terribly. My partner and siblings have spent their life in and out of social because of her. It goes alot deeper than what i have put

It is council

So he sister moved out . His mum is a alcoholic and drug abuser ( we have tried countless times to get her help and help her but she refuses). We have to pay for absolutely everything including shopping. I didnt mind for the year she wasnt living here but recently she has changed wifi company to an expensive one , same with gad and electricity when we asked her why change it when we are the ones paying? She laughed in out faces and said F* you both thats why now suffer

Harsh but absolutely right.
I cannot get my head around it - no stable housing, money concerns, health issues. I know , having a baby will improve things.

So fed up of people complaining when they have actively chosen to bring a child into poverty.

No sympathy im afraid. What a mess.

I have looked at the ones that say about renting but when we have looked alot of places here say no pets or no children? We are london based idk if its just this area ? We are exstending our search due to this

If he isn't on the rental agreement he can leave without giving notice. If he is currently paying for everything at his mums house this can be spent renting your own house. Look on Rightmove for rentals in your area

Rent a flat and move out as you're renting from his mum anyway so can easily afford to rent a private house. Don't wait for his mum to move back, start making plans to move out ASAP. Really stupid of you to get pregnant unmarried and without maternity pay & a job as back up.

If you break up, you'll be completely screwed as you're not married and have a baby on the way.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

It took me 5 years to save 10% for a house deposit, I live down south & a 1 bed flat is circa £300k. So it's entirely dependent on where you live as to how much you need for a deposit.

OP this mess is completely you and your boyfriends fault.

Why did you both choose to live in his mum's house knowing what she was like? Why have you chosen to have a baby with no money and no stable home?

I don't know if you've heard, but London is the most expensive place to live in the UK. You've only got one wage and a child on the way. I would look outside London for somewhere to rent or you'll have to get a house share.

Look for a house in the opposite side of London so she can't just pop in on the way to the shops. The south east is a good option as the rents will be a bit cheaper.

You need to move out of London to a cheaper area. Get rid of the baby (and I am against abortion but this situation is ridiculous) as you are anywhere near a place in life where you should be having a child. Then get a job. I’m sure MN wisdom will come up with some suggestions for you even with a chronic condition. I have a chronic condition yet work full time with a successful career. If you can’t even work PT how are you going to be able to look after a child - my toddlers take much more energy than my job!

@Babybrain101 - London? It's going to be even harder as you're in the most expensive place in the country to live. You will need to get the council involved, unless your partner is on more than £45k a year or so (that's the minimum in my area an Estate Agent would look to rent to - often 30x the monthly rent payment)

Move out and rent somewhere then. His mum won't change

Find a room in a house share and move out. If your partner is paying bills now, he can take that money and pay 500pcm for a room in a house share for you both. Look on spareroom.com you’ll be able to find an informal sublet/no deposit needed.

You’ll have ~8 months to save for a deposit for your own flat.

You’ll probably have to move out of London to find somewhere affordable to raise your child (like everyone else has to!)

You can find some work to contribute, even part-time. If you really are too ill to work, then claim disability benefits.

Finally, you could show some respect to the woman whose house you’ve been living in for free for however many years. Instead of coming on here slagging her off. She was kind to let you stay, but it’s her house. You
are an adult and are responsible for sorting yourself out.

Why are any of you paying the rent when his mum gets the housing benefit?
Why are you paying the bills if they are not in your names?
Just stop paying, and use that money to leave?

See this doesn’t make sense. His mum can set up a new wifi if she wants to, but she cannot have set it up with the direct debit coming from his bank unless she has all of his bank details which she shouldn’t have, if she does then he needs to change account/card, so she’s had to set it up from her own account- he just needs go say no when she asks him for the money.

Same with gas & electric, stop sending her the money.

1. both of you leave his mum’s house. stop paying for everything there immediately you leave so can use that for your own bills.

2. use your income and savings to rent a 1bed property. As you do not work it needs to be in a cheap as area as possible but where your partner can get to work

3. consider what help you will need to manage having a child as you currently unable to work due to health issues and babies need constant care, ontacting them agencies you may need support from

4. as you know you can afford to bring up a child financially, put all that money aside now and use for deposit/rent

5. if possible get a part time job now so you have maternity allowance once baby arrives

@Babybrain101 for gods sake, does his mother control his bank account?? she obviously has his details to set up new wifi!! cancel that dd!! stop whinging about her and just get out!!! his sister has moved out so how did she manage? why cant he do it too???? garnering no sympathy here because of yours and his inaction and dare i say it, stupidity!!! I seriously wonder if he has told you the full story of who controls him and his finances!

If she gets housing benefit then why are you paying rent

if all he is paying is council tax / general bills then there is money left over to save

Or mum moved out but carried on claiming she was living there so the the rent council tax was paid and your boyfriend gave her that money

Move out. There’s no formal rental agreement so you can simply leave.

it sounds as if he’s already paying for your and your MIL’s housing. Move out, invest that money into your own home and happiness and let her deal with her own problems

I suspect this is the heart of the issue.
If the boyfriend was willing to just move out and rent elsewhere, there would be no issue and the OP would not be posting here - they would just get on and do it.

Until the boyfriend is willing to cut his mother off, 100% no contact and absolutely not giving any money to her, then this situation will not be solved.
OP - if this is where your boyfriend is at, unable or unwilling to cut off his mother, then I suggest it would be better for you to break up with him.

As you are not currently employed, you don't have to stay in the area. Put your belongings in storage or just get rid or leave them behind, then go back to your parents (if that is a possibility), or move in with a friend and sofa-surf, preferably in a cheaper part of the country, then present to the council as a single homeless pregnant woman with health problems. (Sofa-surfing still counts as homeless).

Then do not get back together with the boyfriend unless he A) agrees to go no-contact with his mother and move to another area away from her AND B) marry you, for your financial security.

Sorry but I can't believe you are having a baby under these circumstances.
Yes everyone is entitled to the basic right of having children, however common sense and stability are required.
What on earth made you think this was a good idea? Having a baby is a very stressful time, which I think you are seriously overlooking. This has the potential to worsen the already dire situation that you are in. I appreciate you are trying to get out of the situation, however
Things in life don't just happen, poor life choices are always at the root of most things, so no one is to blame in this situation apart from you and your partner.
Also of course having a chronic illness has something to do with having a baby?