Help with bank account / budgeting

[MagicLlama]

Ive currently got a cashminder account at the Co-Op. My DF has my bank card and controls all my money. Ive now gone overdrawn 3 times on the account in the last 12 months and they are shutting the account down.

Have just had a massive row with DF and could do with some advice about best place to open a new basic bank account. My credit is shit due to late payments all over the place, and although I was just sobbing my heart out im trying to now think of this as the opportunity to reclaim my money for myself by billing it that I need to make sure it doesn't happen as I am running out of places to bank!

So which is the best bank?

Then part 2 - saver tips for shopping / food etc as DF has said if im keeping my card myself he will no longer "share" money with me and I have to be completely responsible for myself and the 2 DSs.

My biggest expenses are food & electricity so ideas for meals that are cheap but will feed 3 of us would be brill.

cheers

Is DF Dear Fiance?

My advice would be to ditch the mean controlling bastard.

Am I misunderstanding this, is he spending your money and putting you overdrawn?

Alas no sorry its my Dear Father! Never thought about it being Fiancee im an idiot Ive had threads about him stealing money off me before and was advised to separate from him, but years of emotional abuse how delightfully factual I am about it means Im struggling and I don't think I can afford to live without his contribution have a massive mortgage due to another delightful family member - have a thread about that as well somewhere

Now would be a good time to contact MA www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/?locale=en or CAB and ask for independent advice on budgeting and opening a very basic account. Do not let him control your money or "share" any longer. Why are your payments late, are your outgoings greater than income ?

Do you have access to aldi or Lidl to stock up on basics such as pasta rice and canned tomatoes? Bulk out stews with cheap veg (shop later in the day for markdowns). Jacket potatoes with fillings . Do ds's have school lunch ?

To be honest I have no idea. On paper I should be able to afford to live - My dad was supposed to pay a lodger contribution although quite how this morphed into him having my money Im not sure but asking for it back is all him saying I don't trust him, Im like my mother, do I think hes frittering it away and how hard hes trying etc etc etc.

He plays at running a business, and if hes a bit short will raid my account to pay his blokes / bills or whatever (my BT DD bounced because hes paid for some Personal Protection Equipment from my card!) and then he will pay for BT from his card, so it gets paid ive just got no clue whats going on.

My outgoings are probably slightly higher than my income - although again I have no clue. I can tell you how much the mortgage is, and how much I earn but otherwise I honestly don't know.

There is an Aldi near the kids school so I could go there currently use Tesco / Iceland. DDS have school lunches yes. I keep hearing horror stories about the packed lunch Police and already the HT at the school views me as a problem following some issues with DS1s dad so I try and keep as low a profile as possible there.

I could look at packed lunches though - does is save much? School dinners are £21.50 per week, so ive always sort of thought well if ive got to get a healthy nutritious food in them that's pretty good value.

What sort of things could I put in there?

I'd go with school lunch and then you can serve a less substantial tea. Does your df live with you , will he now move out. If he isn't on your account yet spending from it then can you not report him ? Does he have your pin no?

Yes long saga short. Was my parents house. Mum left. DF went bankrupt. Mum gave me her equity to use as a deposit to raise mortgage to pay off DF bit from OR. I stayed living with DF. I then moved out and DF stayed along with my younger bro. Older bro secured loan on house defaulted - had to remortgage for 3 times original amount. Got pregnant. Moved home. Been here ever since.
I still tend to view it as DFs house which is my problem I think.

He has my PIN. I had a breakdown a several years ago and he took over stuff for me - and ive never got it back. I need to I know, but then hell pull out the support he gives me and I don't know how much ill be in the shit, which is why im trying to work out how I can save so I can get a budget going and see if its manageable.

I just feel so trapped. Mortgage too big. Negative equity so cant sell lus emotional guilt trip of chucking DF out and "abandoning" him like mum did. --although none of that is relative for this thread sorry to bore everyone with it!-

Why on earth do you have this arrangement going on?

He is a fucking adult. You are not responsible for him. Actually now, I am remembering some of your previous threads...

Change your pin . He really has worked on you but the guilt is not yours, put yourself and your dc first. It sounds like you have been the scapegoat for your family's problems so it is no wonder you had a breakdown. does DF work , do you ?

Consider going bankrupt as there is no equity in the house anyway and you can't afford it?

Probably Porto I suspect I stick out for sheer idiocy and patheticness for just not telling him to f off

LIZS Yes I work. I am self employed as I lost my job after the breakdown. DF has a pension and runs a small business on the side.

Unfortunately im an accountant so going bankrupt has implications on me working although it is something I am seriously considering atm as I could possibly go down the bookkeeping route rather than being chartered but am waiting on advice about whether that is possible or not.

If I was advising a client, id tell them get control of your money, start recording whats going on and make some hard decisions about your expenditure.

Why when it involves DF does it all just become a mire of nonsense.

Whose name is the house in? Just yours?

If so evict father and either get a paying lodger in or see if you can rent it out and then rent something much cheaper?

The situation sounds dire. You may actually be better off selling the house, moving into rented and repaying the negative equity. At least if you are renting you may qualify for housing benefit!

Do you have any RL support ? All your economising won't change the fundamentally abusive situation underlying this. It must be very stressful. There may be other options to bankruptcy or repossession but you need someone outside of the problem to advise you properly. Do you have other debts or is it the negative equity that is the issue. Money Saving Expert forum may be a starting point but there are all sorts of issues - financial, legal and emotional - entwined here.

The house is in just my name. As DF likes to remind me he asked "me to help him out by buying it when he went bankrupt not old bro because he could TRUST me not to throw him out when he got older"

I know the situation is abusive. Ive been having counselling and I can see far more clearly the emotional abuse that's going on. It just seems to have made me more angry though, and still incapable of actually doing anything about him. I get angry - I yell - I talk - I tell him how unfair it is. Then he cries / promises to change blah blah blah and it all just happens again.

I don't have RL support.

I know that there are much bigger issues than me saving on the food stuff, but at the moment its all I can do, and its a start to me getting it sorted hopefully.

Jesus-he's emotionally and financially abusive

I would sell the house and cut all ties if I could...

Not really answering your initial questipn, but when you get new cards/pin numbers get them delivered to your local branch so only you can collect them. I know he's family but letting him have access to your account really weakens your case if fraud/identity theft occurs.

Check with an estate agent about the value of your house, they have rocketed in some areas in the last 6 months. You need to be in control of your own finances. Your dad went bankrupt this may suggest he struggles with finances, I don't know the circumstances. If he bounces your direct debits to buy things for himself he is not looking after you.

It appears you can see things clearly due to EA. What would happen if you asked him to move out?

You need to look at you I comings and outgoings. Write it down using bank statements. Use you df's comment about not sharing to take control.

Well I can see why your mum left.

I think starting on taking control of the food/electric budgets is an excellent idea, it's baby steps and will give you confidence.

You can break free from this and I really hope you do because he is holding you back.