Someone somewhere needs to articulate the lost quality of life

[Gguin]

Firstly, I am not saying I think there shouldn't be restrictions as needed, masks, reduced social contact. I do. Just to reemphasise that, to prevent people misreading the title, I support and abide and have abided by restrictions, both statutory and advised.
I also hated every single second of the lockdown. I hated what it did to friends. I hated the disregard of single people. I hated the criminalisation of social lives. I hated the lost opportunities for young and not so young people to build or change their lives. I hated the paranoia and judgmentalism. I hated the NHS worship and everyone else can go hang.
And yes I hate this feeling, somewhere between anxiety, depression and a grinding underlying fear of future regret on all that has been lost. I drove past a pub in rural Ireland where I live today and it was shut, boarded up and probably will never reopen. The sign "craic agus ceoil" (laughter and music) was worn and frayed, like a relic of the times when we were able to enjoy themselves with abandon.
All I would like as the latest chapter of shit unfolds is for someone, somewhere to actually articulate the sadness of all the lost opportunities. The friends that have never been made, the months and years spent indoors, the catastrophic toll on mental health and above all this awful feeling that the many of the very things that make life worth living are so expendable and in some quarters, not even mourned.

I specifically said it was the lack of social expectation and not simply the lack of social activity. Social expectation is external to what I choose to do or not do

No it's not. "Social expectation" can be ignored. People will get over your absence at social events. You didn't need a lockdown to tell you to prioritise your own wishes over 'social expectation'.

I miss travel so much, I can’t imagine how hard it is for people with family overseas.

Agree with the poster who said about having to pre book EVERYTHING - massively reduced spontaneity (and I never thought I was remote,y spontaneous!).

It’s a miserable half life

@VikingOnTheFridge

"My great grandad didn't come through the Blitz, he was killed when the Nazis dropped a bomb on his head. Dunno if he got the chance to soil himself or not, but my great aunt also lived through WW2 and she thinks this is fucking shit too. The Blitz analogies really need to be retired."

Well said. Fucking ridiculous with the Blitz whataboutery. Right up there with comparing the whole control/compliance thing to Nazism, which you see elsewhere. Absolute shite.

@EnidSpyton

I think it's a case of state of mind, really.

I refuse to be anxious about covid, or get stressed about restrictions.

I live in London. I go to the theatre twice a week. I go out to dinner regularly. I go to the pub with friends. I wander around art galleries at the weekend. I browse for ages in book shops and get coffees and sit in the park and watch the world go by. Last weekend I went to Barcelona. Yes it was a bit of an extra faff with the testing requirements, but it was 15 minutes of faff and a bit of extra cash in order to have a weekend in Europe with a dear friend. No big deal.

I don't avoid social interaction. I don't avoid going anywhere. I don't feel anxious about catching or passing on coronavirus. I don't look at other people as if they were just vectors of disease.

My life is pretty much back to what it was in 2019. There was a time when things were shit, when everything was shut and we literally couldn't do anything, but they're not like that anymore. We have got the vast majority of our freedom of movement back. And I am bloody grateful for it every day, and make the most of it, every day.

Yes we have lost things we will never get back. But that is life. Nothing stays the same forever. The pandemic has taught us that more than anything else. We have to live for today and enjoy what we can do, not mourn what we can't.

What I wish this pandemic would make people wake up and realise is that we aren't in control of nature. We are at its mercy. Hence why we need to bloody well do something about climate change. If you think the pandemic has been inconvenient, project yourself 50 years into the future when the climate is even more ravaged beyond repair, and then that will really give you something to be anxious about. Rather than kids missing nativity plays, they might actually miss their future. If all this misery over coronavirus was turned into positive action on climate change, then something truly beneficial could come out of this time.

Bully for you if those are things you enjoy doing. For others its travelling or music events of other things that just aren't happening.

My life is pretty much back to what it was in 2019

Well, that's splendid but surely you're not obtuse enough to think that just because it's true for you it doesn't mean it's true for everyone?

@Gguin

**I think people are articulating this in many ways. Can you say precisely what you want "someone" to do?

The "precisely" and quotation marks selectively applied to "someone" make this sound utterly snarky

wasn't intending to be snarky but I think its a fair question

@IcedPurple

I specifically said it was the lack of social expectation and not simply the lack of social activity. Social expectation is external to what I choose to do or not do

No it's not. "Social expectation" can be ignored. People will get over your absence at social events. You didn't need a lockdown to tell you to prioritise your own wishes over 'social expectation'.

It's not about prioritising my own wishes. It's about the impact that ignoring social obligations and expectations has on relationships. If you remove the social expectation then the relationship isn't harmed - during lockdown we preserved relationships through texts, zoom, phone calls because that's what we had available and whilst we can and do do those things outside of lockdown, refusing to attend social activity does harm relationships. When those engagements weren't possible it didn't matter that we didn't want to attend, now it does. And that also completely ignores the mental health impact of "ignoring" social expectation. Plus the impact on my children if I refuse to take them to playdates or birthday parties by prioritising my own wishes. They can't attend without my help. Whilst during lockdown they didn't happen and the kids didn't feel left out, if they don't attend but know they're happening, then they do feel left out.

I feel exactly the same. We went on a weekend away recently, it was great to do something out of the house. Then my 6 year old was ecstatic to get on the coach as she has never been on one before. It was lovely she was so happy but it made me so sad at the same time when it dawned on me she's spent a third of her life with some sort of restrictions.

Well sure. But it has to be rembwrwd that the thing to weigh it against is sick people turning up in hospital and being turned away.

It is easier - and indeed possibly the right moral
Decision - to say that the cumulative impact on a group of teenagers is actually worse than an 84 year old dying maybe a year earlier than they otherwise would. But putting that risk analysis into practice means literally refusing to help an ill 84 year old. Doctors literally having to decide who to just let die.

And for those empowered people so proud of themselves wandering around without a care - your actions have implications for others

My young DC used to love the library. Bright colourful friendly place, lots of cosy reading chairs and a drawing table and a book-themed treasure hunt the staff used to put on.

It was closed for ages, and then it was click-and-collect, and then it was browse by 15-min appointment “please ask ahead if you may need to bring a child with you but visit alone if you can.”

Then this summer it reopened properly and I took youngest DC who was maybe 6mo last time we were. The children’s room was open again. But the drawing table was gone, the big reading chairs all turned into the walls with “do not use” signs on them, the floor full of stickers marking out the one-way system you had to take round the shelves, with all arrows and “NO ENTRY” and “GIVE WAY” signs. Felt like someone had thoroughly drained all the joy right out of it.

Right now all of life feels like that dull, drained library.

refusing to attend social activity does harm relationships.

If people are going to be offended by you not confirming with their 'social expectations', it may not be a relationship worth having.

. And that also completely ignores the mental health impact of "ignoring" social expectation.

I'd say frequently attending events you dislike due to 'social expectations' is worse for mental health. I can't say I've ever had a problem turning down invitations I'm not interested in. I didn't need a national lockdown for that.

Plus the impact on my children if I refuse to take them to playdates or birthday parties by prioritising my own wishes.

But if your kids are happier going to these events then surely lockdown wasn't better for them?

@IcedPurple

refusing to attend social activity does harm relationships.

If people are going to be offended by you not confirming with their 'social expectations', it may not be a relationship worth having.

. And that also completely ignores the mental health impact of "ignoring" social expectation.

I'd say frequently attending events you dislike due to 'social expectations' is worse for mental health. I can't say I've ever had a problem turning down invitations I'm not interested in. I didn't need a national lockdown for that.

Plus the impact on my children if I refuse to take them to playdates or birthday parties by prioritising my own wishes.

But if your kids are happier going to these events then surely lockdown wasn't better for them?

Friendships are made of give and take, I doubt many people want friends who refuse to socialise with them.

My kids are happy not attending stuff that isn't there to attend, they aren't happy not attending things that are there. They loved lockdown, but there was nothing they were missing out on - their friends weren't at school, no one was having parties or playdates. If there are parties, they want to attend them I suspect it's fomo more than anything.

OP I absolutely agree with you about balance. But someone up thread said "So much harm for so little gain - how many lives did we save with these measures?" and I would like to think that most people acknowledge (as lots of posters here have) that many, many people's lives have been saved. Mine almost certainly has, so the comment about "so little gain" feels quite unpleasant! I say that while also thinking a very great amount has been sacrificed.

*Then this summer it reopened properly and I took youngest DC who was maybe 6mo last time we were. The children’s room was open again. But the drawing table was gone, the big reading chairs all turned into the walls with “do not use” signs on them, the floor full of stickers marking out the one-way system you had to take round the shelves, with all arrows and “NO ENTRY” and “GIVE WAY” signs. Felt like someone had thoroughly drained all the joy right out of it.

Right now all of life feels like that dull, drained library.*

Such a good analogy. Even when places are open, all the joy is sucked out of them.

I went back to the university I used to work in for a few days this summer. The walls were of course all covered in aggressive neon yellow signs, with seats blocked off and constant in-your-face hectoring about where to stand and where not to sit. Desks all moved apart, so none of the group work we're told is so important. The few students who were around, in what would normally be a buzzing environment, were masked and 'distanced'.

I make no comment about whether or not these measures were necessary and sensible. Just that it was all rather sad.

@Lubballoo

OP I absolutely agree with you about balance. But someone up thread said "So much harm for so little gain - how many lives did we save with these measures?" and I would like to think that most people acknowledge (as lots of posters here have) that many, many people's lives have been saved. Mine almost certainly has, so the comment about "so little gain" feels quite unpleasant! I say that while also thinking a very great amount has been sacrificed.

this

Watch Whittus response to the question that covid shouldn’t be prioritised.

His point was that if covid isn’t managed the hospital system will collapse basically.

OP, I don't know how old you are, but I was in my mid-twenties when the latest financial crisis hit. You wouldn't believe how many places I saw boarded up during that time and, as you pointed out, never to reopen again. I also, like now, couldn't travel anymore. Back then I couldn't because I just couldn't afford it anymore and now I can't due to all the restrictions.

My point is that there are so many crises that happen during most people's lifetime and yeah it sucks, but if you look at just the past 100 years, COVID will eventually be a quaint chapter in history while we struggle through another international crisis and every time we will lose a lot.

I am just adjusting my life to the fact that these things keep happening. I am almost just curious what the next one will be.

You're absolutley right, OP.

I saw a post on another thread which dismissed the harm of lockdowns and restrictions on a personal and societal level by saying, "people said suicides would increase because of lockdowns but they didn't" (the lastest suicide statistics covered April - July 2020).

Why should it take someone to end their life before we can acknowledge the damage?

I hate the loss of seeing my nephew grow up and building a relationship with him as his only auntie. No matter how many video calls, a young child can’t engage fully. I’m missing his childhood and my brother is missing my dc. From seeing each other twice a year to nothing with no end in site. Yet I’m lucky apparently because my relatives are alive and not allowed to be sad because we have bloody zoom! (My brother lives in North America and I’m in the uk.)

It does seem that the joys of things have gone- being spontaneous and turning up somewhere unplanned.
Now it’s pre booking and then social distancing, face masks, number restrictions and horrible big warning signs everywhere.
I can’t be bothered anymore, I’d rather just not go. I know places are doing their best,but it’s not the same.
It’s just all seems so unfair, and no one seems too bothered about finding the source of this virus, but that’s another story.

I have such a sense of grief for everything our family have lost. I know we are lucky not to have lost anyone close to us and I remain very concerned about covid but this isn’t the way we are designed to live. My youngest has spent half his life living like this he doesn’t remember what normal life was like and my oldest has never had a normal year at school. Thinking of all the things we took for granted makes my heart hurt.

I'm a teacher and I took some old Christmas cards, from last year, in to school this week for the children to cut up and play with. As I was looking through them, I noticed nearly all the messages said things like, "what a tough year this has been, I've got high hopes for 2021." I, like many of you, feel like I've lost my optimism now. I'm deliberately trying to stop myself from looking forward to anything in case it doesn't happen. This isn't how I want to live.

Hearwego what benefit is there to finding the source?

but I think the damage HAS been acknowledged. I have seen plenty on TV about people's sufferings during lockdown. Only yesterday Chris Whitty talked about the high cost of shielding. I remember in lockdown, many media items about the issues of people with children going through lockdown in flats in cities. Has there been enough action to mitigate this? of course notand some people may have minimised the effect.
I ask again of the OP What do they want and who should do it?

@godmum56

but I think the damage HAS been acknowledged. I have seen plenty on TV about people's sufferings during lockdown. Only yesterday Chris Whitty talked about the high cost of shielding. I remember in lockdown, many media items about the issues of people with children going through lockdown in flats in cities. Has there been enough action to mitigate this? of course notand some people may have minimised the effect. I ask again of the OP What do they want and who should do it?

I think it is possible to have a wistful thread to vent about our losses without having to actually suggest an action plan. All the other threads are about what should be done, who should do it and how they should do it.