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Someone somewhere needs to articulate the lost quality of life

732 replies

Gguin · 17/12/2021 15:18

Firstly, I am not saying I think there shouldn't be restrictions as needed, masks, reduced social contact. I do. Just to reemphasise that, to prevent people misreading the title, I support and abide and have abided by restrictions, both statutory and advised.
I also hated every single second of the lockdown. I hated what it did to friends. I hated the disregard of single people. I hated the criminalisation of social lives. I hated the lost opportunities for young and not so young people to build or change their lives. I hated the paranoia and judgmentalism. I hated the NHS worship and everyone else can go hang.
And yes I hate this feeling, somewhere between anxiety, depression and a grinding underlying fear of future regret on all that has been lost. I drove past a pub in rural Ireland where I live today and it was shut, boarded up and probably will never reopen. The sign "craic agus ceoil" (laughter and music) was worn and frayed, like a relic of the times when we were able to enjoy themselves with abandon.
All I would like as the latest chapter of shit unfolds is for someone, somewhere to actually articulate the sadness of all the lost opportunities. The friends that have never been made, the months and years spent indoors, the catastrophic toll on mental health and above all this awful feeling that the many of the very things that make life worth living are so expendable and in some quarters, not even mourned.

OP posts:
LookslovelyinSpringtime · 21/12/2021 22:43

@Helocariad

I would like to recommend this thread for Classics. It's hugely important these experiences are recorded and preserved. It's so easy to forget. First lockdown has become such a blur for me, as I found the 'new normal' so confusing. Some posts have jogged my memory.

Thanks OP Flowers

It feels like a million years ago now.
Chessie678 · 21/12/2021 23:05

@JellyOnAPlatewithicecream
My experience was exactly the same with my DS. Rightly or wrongly it left me with the idea that the state really couldn’t care less about him and that I was therefore going to have to absolutely prioritise him.

My first contact from a health visitor was a 5 minute phone call where she told me I wasn’t going to have a health visitor; reminded me not to see my family and told me I’d probably have to stop breastfeeding as there would be no support.

This was two weeks after birth and she didn’t even ask how I was. That kind of call could have pushed a new mother over the edge. I know new mothers and babies who were put in real danger by the rules - e.g a single mother who had a c-section and was physically unable to care for her newborn but was told by her midwife that she wasn’t allowed anyone in her house to support her unless they moved in permanently.

I’m not saying new mothers were the worst affected. Plenty of groups had terrible lockdown experiences for a myriad of reasons but it makes it difficult to listen to people claiming that lockdown wasn’t much of a hardship.

Lilifer · 22/12/2021 00:00

This thread Has To be in Classics 🙏

Lilifer · 22/12/2021 01:20

@MrsDeaconClaybourne

I think there have always been people who hate seeing groups of young people out and suddenly felt justified.
Totally this. I ended up having a row with my older sister (she's 56, I'm 51) she was giving off about young people gathering in her local park, like really giving off about these kids who god knows maybe that was their only outlet when school and sports all closed and who knows what home life they might have had, she was being so hateful about them condemning them as stupid, selfish, reckless etc. I have teen kids myself and know how much lockdown affected them and this really upset me. It still upsets me now a year later, I can't believe how she demonised them. She also used to give out regularily that these young people didn't give her enough room on the footpath when she was out for her walk. That they forced her off the path and on to the road to avoid their breath droplets 😖 I got to the stage where i stopped ringing her for our usual catch up chats as I got sick of listening to this constant rant about young people.
StarCat2020 · 22/12/2021 01:59

Credit cards, payment plans etc
No idea

HesterShaw1 · 22/12/2021 08:00

@Gguin

There was a FB Group set up in the rural village I live in ca. March 20. Before too long it descended into one of the worst, most poisonous things I have ever seen online. Accusations, arguments, and abuse. One moderator who was a mid ranking local health care professional clearly absolutely loved it. The opportunity to finger point and publicly shame 70 year old for being out cycling when they "should be shielding". I revile that individual. I revile what the reaction to Covid has done to communities all across the world. The last thing that should happen is that this should be glossed over and people "move on". Those things happened. Those things were said. They need acknowledging. Then perhaps the true healing can begin. As a footnote some of the things posted on this website were utterly disgusting.
I agree with every word of this.

And this should be a warning to the world how quickly things can descend into the kind of horror seen in Wild Swans era China, or Nazi Germany. Yes, even in this country. I think British people have a bit of a smug attitude after 20th Century history, that that kind of thing never happened here, that somehow it wasn't in our nature.

Well I think this period has proved it quite easily could, and to a degree, has

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 08:01

Isolation reduced to 7 days is a step in the right direction

Feels like less of a grip on everyone

VikingOnTheFridge · 22/12/2021 08:08

Good for you lilifer. Well done for taking the opportunity to tell her what an arse she was being, it's so important to challenge views like that.

The bit about realising the state doesn't give a shit about your DCs welfare really resonated with me chessie678. I think many of us have probably had similar experiences. My DC are older so I never experienced the utterly shameful treatment of pregnant women, new mothers and their babies that's been considered allowable during the pandemic, but the realisation process was similar.

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 08:11

I feel ill when I think about the acceptance around some dc stuck at home for so long and others going for school places

Obv everyone knew how bad it was so went for it but that we just put up with it and it was just oh well you are not included, tough

All the gaslighting of the harm to so many too. Unbelievable

FakeFruitShoot · 22/12/2021 08:15

Thank you for this thread.

I feel gaslit sometimes by those around me. Or maybe it's toxic positivity? Or a combination.

All I know is that from January - March 2021 I woke up every day and was gutted I was still alive. I'd never have killed myself - but I would fall asleep around 3am praying (not that I'm religious) for an apocalypse/ meteor strike to happen. Then I'd wake up at 5am and try to work, homeschool and not focus on the acute loneliness and fear.

The day the kids went back to school I had a panic attack - my first ever - that woke me up. I continued to have them for a few weeks. I phoned an ambulance for the first one. The paramedic said they were seeing mums "just like me" all the time with new panic symptoms, thinking they were having heart attacks.

The good news is, when what I thought was a heart attack actually happened, it turned out I didn't want to die. And I got better. But I'll never be the woman I was before.

HesterShaw1 · 22/12/2021 08:15

I always agree with you @MarshaBradyo (if you'll forgive the sucky upness 😁) but this really resonates.

The passive shrugging, "it is what it is", "are we sure that's allowed" etc. Not just with regard to schools, but towards the pettiest, most arbitrary, most senseless "rules".

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 08:19

Hester I sure will take that Smile the amount of backlash I’ve had over last year or so for saying best place for dc to be was in school, that they were disproportionately impacted / harmed and so on has been off the scale.

I’ve appreciated the few I see around saying the same

VikingOnTheFridge · 22/12/2021 08:21

The culture of gaslighting and minimisation is very widespread. I don't think it's necessarily the view of the majority, but it's everywhere. We weren't even allowed to have this thread without it being imposed.

HesterShaw1 · 22/12/2021 09:17

When I think if those early days and the amount of venom and abuse those daring to say "Hang on a minute...." received here on MN, I still can't believe it. And yet according to certain posters, nope, it never happened.

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 09:29

Yep I had an obsessive hound me round the site for months.

Incredible how people responded.

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 09:32

And the rest of course..

Lilifer · 22/12/2021 10:49

@VikingOnTheFridge

Good for you lilifer. Well done for taking the opportunity to tell her what an arse she was being, it's so important to challenge views like that.

The bit about realising the state doesn't give a shit about your DCs welfare really resonated with me chessie678. I think many of us have probably had similar experiences. My DC are older so I never experienced the utterly shameful treatment of pregnant women, new mothers and their babies that's been considered allowable during the pandemic, but the realisation process was similar.

Thanks @VikingOnTheFridge - I felt I had to stand up for young people, but it has altered our relationship - I'll always love her, but it has changed the closeness we used to have. She sees people as vectors, and judges people's virtue bu how rigorously they still to "the rules" and is obsessed with being safe. I don't feel comfortable with her anymore. I wonder if this will ever change 😕
BogRollBOGOF · 22/12/2021 10:49

@Gguin

For me the saddest thing is what it has done to people and to friendships. The standard issue line is "but I've made loads of new friends online/I was never bothered about others anyway and am happy with my family/I have seen more of my BFF in Australia than ever thanks for Zoom"

My reality is I've felt friendships fall into disrepair due to lack of contact nor anything to talk about. The place I live has become a curtain twitching hellhole and my automatic reaction when I see someone I don't know is suspicion or anger instead of curiosity of warmth.

I HATED some of the stuff that was posted on here at the peak of lockdown. The WW2 comparisons, the "stay the fuck at home", this way in which the NHS was emotionally weaponised as a tool to try to prevent anyone anywhere from feeling a single other thought than sourdough-tinted gratefulness.
There were days I'd wake at 8 or 9 then think that's no good I need to use up more of the day so go back and stay in bed until 5pm. I honestly began to wonder if a post 2020 life was going to be worth sticking around for. I hated the government. I hated the stupid TV programmes. I hated the awful FB groups. I hated so hard that I still don't know if it's possible to ever experience any emotion that intense, so anything else feels grey.

Some amazing posts here and I'm genuinely interested in hearing people's heartfelt stories.

This one resonates strongly.

DM seems to have no desire to see me and my family anymore. Bubbles pushed her and DB together as in March 2020 she was recovering from illness including a nasty "chest infection" aquired in hospital... she still feels lousy from cumulative delayed and delayed treatment pre-dating Covid, and CBA to see my children. I'm not a million miles away, but it's not pop-in distance either and takes a couple of hours visit to justify the drive. It's now 2 years since she saw them.

They haven't seen their other granny in over 2 years. She's in another country and while we did travel over in the summer, only DH could book 2x 30 min appointments to see her as at that point she was in a care home.

The added imposed fear and restrictions made life far harder and more isolated in 2020. My friends wouldn't meet until late Aug 2020. My children hardly played with another child in 6 months. They forgot how to play because they had no social stimulation. I did my best, but I'm not a 7/ 9 yo boy. I can not meet their every need (and God knows I can't even teach them...) by June 2020, DS2 would lie on my bed staring vacantly at the TV and he became beligerent and angry. He was depressed. That was the point I started jumping fences into playgrounds to try and stimulate them. There was one corner of the playground of a nearby village that had a sensor that would put out a message about tresspassing and the Police being called. I don't know if it was put into the playground or overlapped from the building site through the hedge, but I haven't heard it since the playground reopened it. I let my children play despite the monotonous voice threatening the Police.

Last winter on a rare sunny day, I drove them out to a wasted rec, a piece of tarmac edged with brambles, dog shit and broken glass. It was the only place I could think of where they could run around without slithering into clay mud that had not been chained up. In January it was so difficult to get the DCs out into daylight around the fucking "home learning" (aka sobbing into mummy's lap/ melting down) as there was nowhere on the doorstep to go thanks to the clay swamp of our neighbourhood, including our small, easily trampled garden. A lot of last winter, I wanted to passively not exist.

For much of March 2020 to September 2021 I lost my external purposes in life. I was reduced to servicing my household. Some purposes and contacts came back briefly and were mucked about with the Tiers. The uncertainty of the Tiers was very unsettling and damaging. In May there was an AIBU about "feeling flat" a lot like this thread, and although restrictions were easing, many peoples' minds had gone numb to the excitement of anticipation lest it be stolen away from them again.

I also find masks incredibly depressing and isolating. You escape from the tedium of your home into a faceless, expressionless void where communication is muffled out and unreadable. Then there's the fear of the self-appointed mask police.

I've had far far easier bereavements and that's including the premature loss of two relatives I grew up with. Normally I cope by immersing myself in the distractions of life but there is no distraction and escape from the Covid world. It permeates nearly everything.

In the grand scheme of things, the damage to our family has not been severe, but it matters to me, and from the start when MNers deemed you could only care about Covid deaths, I spoke up for the people who still cared about other things in life. New mums and children/ young people have been treated abominably for little gain. The bereaved (whatever the cause) have lost essential support. Universities treated students abysmally. The people in need of greatest care have been isolated away and deprived of human touch, faces, care and relationships.
There are fates far far worse than Covid.

And all the talk of bodies in the streets and children losing parents (demographically unlikely on a mass scale) and being repeatedly told I'm selfish for not caring about Covid enough; when I was a child, my dad did literally die in the street. He went out to work and never came home. They didn't have defribulators then.

Coz Covid means even more than ever that myself and my immediate family comes first, because very, very few other people will give a shit. How can I care about strangers when my loved ones are out of reach? How can I care about communities when they're shut off, broken up and masked? I'm not the selfish one asking other people to sacrifice their way of life for me. I just want to live a real normal with human contact.

Lilifer · 22/12/2021 10:49

"Stick to" the rules I meant 😔

BogRollBOGOF · 22/12/2021 10:52

@HesterShaw1

When I think if those early days and the amount of venom and abuse those daring to say "Hang on a minute...." received here on MN, I still can't believe it. And yet according to certain posters, nope, it never happened.
The gaslighting is abysmal. The worst threads were deleted because of the amount of deletions in them, but that's lost social history.

I'm long overdue a name change but I'm standing by this one for a while yet because I stand by what I was posting against the tide in 2020. It's a relief to no longer be in the minority and drowned out by bullies.

Lilifer · 22/12/2021 10:54

@BogRollBOGOF I so totally agree with your post. Couldn't have put it better myself 👏🏻 god I'm so relieved to have this thread where people seem to get what we have lost, what has been taken from us and our loved ones.

HesterShaw1 · 22/12/2021 10:55

@BogRollBOGOF what an eloquent post. I'm so angry again.

Lives like yours, your kids', mine, people on this thread....were treated as expendable. Because Covid and the NHS

bookworm14 · 22/12/2021 11:03

Eloquent as ever, Bogroll!

MarshaBradyo · 22/12/2021 11:15

Good post Bogroll

I’m glad this is a thread people can (finally) voice it without the usual derision, ridicule and hounding.

This site has been hugely skewed away from balance by some. Really poor.

VikingOnTheFridge · 22/12/2021 11:21

It's interesting that a greater number of anti lockdown voices in this forum over the past couple of months has led to accusations of bad faith, flying monkeys and the like from some quarters. I got the impression those accusations were made in the genuine belief they were true rather than just to be argumentative. That in itself is quite telling, as a response to increased levels of disagreement.