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Covid

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Original poster

Should I send DD back to school?

76 replies

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:13

We deregistered Y8 DD in October for various reasons, mainly due to my disability as well as her deteriorating mental health. She was terrified of bringing Covid home, was really struggling with mask wearing and really struggling with her safe spaces being removed, such as use of the library at lunch etc. She is being assessed for Asperger's and the whole thing felt so desperate at the time.
Since then we enrolled her at an online school I am not hugely impressed with and her life just seems so empty . She is becoming withdrawn and never wants to do anything other than play on her pc. She hasn't a single friend except for a close pen pal in another country. We were at the playground recently and when three teenage girls her own age came in she noticeably became anxious and upset and wanted to go home.
Now I have had the vaccine and things seem to be improving I'm wondering it if might not be time to put her back in school. Her headteacher has already said they will most likely have space for her. She had only recently started in the school too due to a managed move for bullying. The whole thing is a complete mess tbh! At the time we were sure it was the right thing to do.
She absolutely hates school and she will be unhappy with the idea of going back, particularly now masks are required in class too and they have to test themselves twice a week (she has sensory issues that will make this a real challenge for her) but this is no life for a 13 year old girl . I have no idea what to do for the best, I just assumed we would be able to wait covid out and that things would go back to normal, but it seems like proper normality is still a long time away.
WWYD?

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 11/04/2021 14:19

They don't HAVE to test themselves. Mine do, but they can't be excluded if they don't. I don't think anyone other than the teachers know if they don't as it is all done at home now. You could apply for an exemption for the mask, however that is far more visible to others so I would get her to practice wearing a mask.

Mine have been in whenever school has been open and they have been much happier as a result. It is worth trying for a few months and seeing how it goes.

OpheliasCrayon · 11/04/2021 14:21

My gut feeling as a mum (also I'm disabled but I haven't shielded as I chose not to)& an SEN teacher is to send her back to school ..but with the caveat that they see VERY supportive of her needs. That's the key here - you're right I think that she does need to be with her peers and it seems that the current set up isn't the best ....
But if the school are not going to be supportive of her anxiety and her asperger's assessment.... Then maybe it wouldn't be a good plan...I think your best bet is talk to the headteacher tomorrow?

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:24

She wouldn't want to be exempt from wearing the mask as that would make her 'stand out' iyswim? I didn't realise testing at school wasn't mandatory, can it be done at home instead?
I am also worried that there will be another wave with a worse variant, I know I can't keep her home forever but things feel so uncertain at the moment.

OP posts:

UnbeatenMum · 11/04/2021 14:26

Do you have any other homeschool options? Local groups, clubs, etc? Online school obviously isn't meeting her needs for friendship and socialization but that doesn't mean homeschooling can't work for you if that's the route you had wanted to go down? Or was it always intended to be temporary?

UnderHisAye · 11/04/2021 14:27

My gut is that I would send her back. My daughter struggled with lockdown last year and the sight of her blank dead eyes scared the life out of me.

She claims not to like school but I know the difference in the girl who has just come home from a day of being engaged with learning and other people, and the girl who sits on her laptop alone in her room.

OpheliasCrayon · 11/04/2021 14:27

Testing in general isnt mandatory- you don't have to do it at school or at home... So if she can't , it wouldn't be a barrier to her going back

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:28

We were going to home school for a year and have done six months but were flexible about whether we would continue with it or not. We live in an area with hardly any home school families and all of the activities we would normally do aren't running or are running in a capacity that stresses DD out too much.
If it were up to DD she would never go back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:30

I have also found that it is changing our relationship which is really upsetting. I am constantly having to nag her etc to actually try to do some work and she resents me for it. I want to just be mum again. But I don't want her to be unhappy and I can't keep pulling her in and out of school like a yoyo, which is how it has been since she started secondary. Constant disruption with bullying, then a move, then covid .

OP posts:

roguetomato · 11/04/2021 14:32

At our school they needed to do 3 initial test at school to get used to it, then become 2 test a week at home.
Mask is another matter, there was a thread last week on MN, and there were some(including me) want mask wearing to carry on, and others want it stopped after Easter, including teachers. We don't know what the guidelines would be atm. So wait and see, I suppose.

UnderHisAye · 11/04/2021 14:33

What would keep her going in and out of school like a yo-yo? Is there something the school could support her with?

clareykb · 11/04/2021 14:34

I'm not sure what the options are locally but where we live the local college does year 10+ and my friend who had been homeschooling her daughter sent her there. It wasn't like school and she much preferred or and met lots of like minded people. I have another friend whose son is having an Asperger's assessment who has jus transferred to a specialist science free school for year 9 and loves it. Might be worth seeing of there are any niche options around.

OpheliasCrayon · 11/04/2021 14:34

@Beebityboo

By the sounds of it going back would be best for both of you

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:36

Mainly just how miserable she is. She has no friends and can't seem to make any (I imagine that will be even harder now). It isn't an issue with the school itself as when I have mentioned maybe trying another one she is adamant that if she has to go back she would prefer to go back to the school she left. She just hates school!

OP posts:

Thatwentbadly · 11/04/2021 14:36

My gut feeling is if you aren’t happy to home school her permanently then she should go back now. The longer you leave it the more difficult it will get.

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:37

@clareykb

I have considered this but she is going into year nine so not old enough yet. Though if she went back and it all went wrong again this would be the next solution I think, the local college for year 10 plus.

OP posts:

LilyPond2 · 11/04/2021 14:38

As others have said, participating in testing is voluntary, so that issue should not feature in your deliberations.
It sounds to me that you urgently need to get to a point where your DD is having some form of regular social contact outside the home, otherwise it appears this is going to become a bigger and bigger issue for your DD. Whether school is the only realistic way of achieving that I don't know.

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:41

She is a girl guide but I have no idea when meetings will be running again, that's the only social contact with other children she has available right now if she isn't at school. She says she doesn't want friends anyway but I just feel so sad for her and like I have let her down dreadfully. There is also no guarantee they will have a spot available for her so it may be a few months on a waiting list regardless.

OP posts:

Wellbythebloodyhell · 11/04/2021 14:42

Why not look into extra curricular activities that will be re opening soon that she could get involved with and meet new friends there like the guides or cadets maybe. Find out if there's a local home schooling group in your area that you could join, the home schooling she's experiencing now isn't comparable to what home schooling is normally like. Testing, bubble isolating and masks seem to be here for a while longer yet. School isn't the only place for her to learn or make friends.

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 14:51

We don't live in an area with that much on offer but she is a girl guide. I'm considering a performing arts school at the weekends too.

OP posts:

Albatross26 · 11/04/2021 15:19

I work in school attendance/admissions.

Do you know why she was on a managed move? We usually only offer these to students with significant behaviour/attendance issues so they have a probation period rather than a straight move.

If she does go back, is she likely to attend regularly? You say she hates school, my concern would be she'd stop attending if she was struggling. We've had a few students who have become refusers since lockdown and it's very difficult for both us and parents.

Would the school be able to offer a gentle easing back in, reduced timetable etc? We do these quite a lot and they really help anxious students

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 15:25

The headteacher helped her in on a managed move due to her mental health. The school she first attended in year 7 was not supportive and she was bullied quite badly.
She would never "refuse" to go to school but she would become highly anxious and unhappy were she to get bullied again etc, she just doesn't want to be at school full stop but she isn't the sort of child who wouldn't go if she was told to.
I'm sure the school would offer lots of support as they really tried to do all they could to prevent us having to deregister, but it got to the point where we would be fined etc and with the winter wave looking like it was going to get nasty we felt removing her until the situation improved was the best thing to do.

OP posts:

itsgettingwierd · 11/04/2021 15:25

All testing is at home and twice weekly now - but not compulsory if she really cannot tolerate it.

My ds is also autistic.

I had some very wise advice from camhs once. They told me not to judge ds life my standards if what I thought it should be - because he may be happy leading a solitary life.

Best advice ever because da did come out of his shell when he was ready and he felt he could manage.

Does your dd know what she wants?

Although I wouldn't ever suggest deregistering because it means the LA no longer has responsibility for your child's education. If she's registered and cannot attend then they can make alternative arrangements for her.

So my advice would be register her so she's on roll. But if she genuinely cannot attend then read up on responsibilities to provide education to those with medical conditions who cannot attend.

Good luck

Original poster

Beebityboo · 11/04/2021 15:29

What DD wants is to live in her bedroom on a diet of pasta and play minecraft all day every day . I just want her to have a fuller life, one with friends and normal teenage experiences, but yes I do try to be mindful that what I want for her may not be what she wants. Mainly I just want her to be happy and to do well at school.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 11/04/2021 15:32

sounds like a very tough situation but unless there was likely to be a better alternative locally (and it doesn't look like there is) I'd be sending her back but opting out of testing.
Hopefully at least the covid concern should be dampened down a bit now, depending on where you are.

If she's into performing arts, something like that outside of school (these things are legal again from tomorrow) could be a massive confidence boost.

MRex · 11/04/2021 15:38

When will the assessment for Aspergers complete? If that was before return to school then additional support could be set up that's aligned with her needs, and that might be a more gentle way of going back into the classroom.

I don't know much about Aspergers, but used to work with a colleague who had it. He felt much more relaxed after he'd been diagnosed (as an adult) and read a lot of materials about how and why his brain worked a bit differently. It seemed like he was able to relax more that he wasn't "supposed to" anything, but could just be himself, and oddly he then seemed comfortable to mix more with others but stating clearly that he needed some distance or asking what someone meant by a comment that didn't make sense to him. So it might be worth encouraging your DD to do some carefully selected reading.

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