@Beebityboo
She wouldn't want to be exempt from wearing the mask as that would make her 'stand out' iyswim? I didn't realise testing at school wasn't mandatory, can it be done at home instead?
I am also worried that there will be another wave with a worse variant, I know I can't keep her home forever but things feel so uncertain at the moment.
Devil's Advocate: How much of your anxiety are you passing on to your daughter?
Its just that your comment about being worried about there being another wave with a worse variant and your comments about your disability jump out as it not necessarily just being about her but also you. I can understand that to a point, but it also seems you may have contributed, albeit unintentionally, to her being so anxious.
We may have another wave, but our vaccination programme is doing well, and realistically you have to make a conscious decision about how long this can continue with. You say yourself its no way for a 13 year old to live and its untenable. That suggests you've hit the point where, like it or not, you have to suck it up and need to put things into better context in terms of risk (and it being far lower going forward than it has been).
I can't help but feel pulling her out of school, rather than reducing your anxiety, is adding to avoidance type behaviour and compounding the problem by legitimising her fears as being real and bigger than they are in practice.
Instead I think you have to start to downplay stuff and say things like its safe to go to school and masks are better than no masks because it reduces the risk for everyone more, and that rates are much, much lower than they were, we are approaching high levels of community immunity which protect everyone else etc. Basically change the message she's hearing from those she trusts most and make it more positive in tone than negative. Reframe the way things are presented to her and you discuss them with her slightly.
In terms of testing she doesn't have to be tested at all, if you don't consent to it. This doesn't affect whether she can attend. She might feel happier to be tested and be reassured that she is ok. She might be stressed about being tested. Talk it through with her. No right or wrong answer here, just the best one for her.
I would fear the longer she is outside school, the less opportunity she has to navigate social situations - even if they aren't brilliant ones. I would worry she's headed for bigger mental health issues if she's continuing to withdraw at home. Its obviously not a solution and I think you know that yourself deep down.
School is crap for a lot of kids. I have to say I think I probably largely had better relationships with the teachers than some of the other kids. That in itself shouldn't be knocked. I was always a loner and didn't particularly enjoy it. However I still got stuff from it. One of the things about being a teenager is learning to be independent from your parents - and being constantly around you she's not getting the opportunity to do that, especially if her other activities such as guides are not running. School teaches things that parents can't and you can't learn online.
Devil's advocate hat on here again: Are you trying to protect her too much at this stage. Are there things you can't protect her from and its good for her to experience even if they aren't 100% positive? Has her experience in being bullying led you to be over protective?
I don't think there are easy answers here, but I do think you have to think about certain things and maybe be a parent in a different way, who pushes her forward more rather than supporting her to withdraw. I suspect that at times she needs to be given confidence to do things (even if she doesn't like them) rather than merely allowed to avoid situations because she finds them hard unfortunately.