Should I send DD back to school?

[Beebityboo]

We deregistered Y8 DD in October for various reasons, mainly due to my disability as well as her deteriorating mental health. She was terrified of bringing Covid home, was really struggling with mask wearing and really struggling with her safe spaces being removed, such as use of the library at lunch etc. She is being assessed for Asperger's and the whole thing felt so desperate at the time.
Since then we enrolled her at an online school I am not hugely impressed with and her life just seems so empty . She is becoming withdrawn and never wants to do anything other than play on her pc. She hasn't a single friend except for a close pen pal in another country. We were at the playground recently and when three teenage girls her own age came in she noticeably became anxious and upset and wanted to go home.
Now I have had the vaccine and things seem to be improving I'm wondering it if might not be time to put her back in school. Her headteacher has already said they will most likely have space for her. She had only recently started in the school too due to a managed move for bullying. The whole thing is a complete mess tbh! At the time we were sure it was the right thing to do.
She absolutely hates school and she will be unhappy with the idea of going back, particularly now masks are required in class too and they have to test themselves twice a week (she has sensory issues that will make this a real challenge for her) but this is no life for a 13 year old girl . I have no idea what to do for the best, I just assumed we would be able to wait covid out and that things would go back to normal, but it seems like proper normality is still a long time away.
WWYD?

No EHCP as of yet

I would suggest you get therapy, separately, for you and your DD.

Taking her out of school even partly because of your fear of Covid is not a reasonable thing to do. Your worries are clearly impacting on your DD as well as yourself.

I think you should get her back in school ASAP; don’t do the testing, it’s voluntary anyway so no issue there. Her best interests are not served by being kept at home just now. I know it’s difficult but you need to get her back in.

Beg, steal, borrow the money for a private assessment see where you stand. Friends recently did this it cost them about £2k all in. But probably can get it a bit cheaper.

As far as Covid is concerned, the vaccine you have had is effective against all variants (even if it isn't) as far as your daughter is concerned. From now on you are safe, even if you're not, that is not her worry.

Go from there.

Hope things improve.

I do not doubt I am not the only disabled parent who had issues around sending their DC's into school during the second wave. Trying to protect myself from Covid in order to be around for my children was not unreasonable in my opinion, and that's aside from the other issues that I have mentioned. Prior to her removal she had been sent home to self isolate twice in a row, cases were exploding and as I have said, it felt like the right thing to do. I don't think either of us need therapy for trying to avoid Covid and as I have said, it wasn't as if she would have happily been attending school all this time regardless, she's only really missed two and a half months of in person school, which whilst not fantastic, it's not a Rapunzel/Mother Gothel situation either.
We're going to sit down with her later and have a talk about what to do next. I think putting her back on the waiting list and taking it from there seems like it is probably the best decision going forwards.

Absolutely send her back or find ways to homeschool that aren’t online and involve group interaction. You don’t want a virtual existence for her.

Sorry if it’s already been suggested but have you thought about going to a different school?
My DD is in a school of 1800 but there is one a bit further with only 400 pupils. Your DD may feel more comfortable in a smaller setting.

I did suggest a different school to her but she has said if she has to go back she'd like it to be to the same school, which is good. I am pretty hopeful they will have a spot for her too and the head is wonderful.

@Beebityboo

I do not doubt I am not the only disabled parent who had issues around sending their DC's into school during the second wave. Trying to protect myself from Covid in order to be around for my children was not unreasonable in my opinion, and that's aside from the other issues that I have mentioned. Prior to her removal she had been sent home to self isolate twice in a row, cases were exploding and as I have said, it felt like the right thing to do. I don't think either of us need therapy for trying to avoid Covid and as I have said, it wasn't as if she would have happily been attending school all this time regardless, she's only really missed two and a half months of in person school, which whilst not fantastic, it's not a Rapunzel/Mother Gothel situation either. We're going to sit down with her later and have a talk about what to do next. I think putting her back on the waiting list and taking it from there seems like it is probably the best decision going forwards.

You don't need therapy that's ridiculous of people to suggest, I'm not really sure they're understanding your situation or are willing to consider what you did as reasonable.

It wasn't a choice I made, despite being disabled and on the shielding list, but I absolutely understand why you did.

I think your daughter may need some mental health support, be that from school or an outside professional, not because of anything you've done (of course not that's just a silly thought ) ... But she seems to have perfectly reasonable anxiety, which of course, may be being added to if she does have a pending diagnosis like you say. It's going to be a big leap for her to go from home to school so I'd like to think that they are willing and able to support as appropriate.

@Beebityboo

I did suggest a different school to her but she has said if she has to go back she'd like it to be to the same school, which is good. I am pretty hopeful they will have a spot for her too and the head is wonderful.

Bit of a cross post there OP - it sounds like the HT is going to be supportive, which is great.

If you’re wanting her to be homeschooled they’re should be clubs to join in your local area, whether online for now or physically.

If she's keen to go back and head is supportive how about starting gently with a PT timetable?

Or agree if too much anyway she has a timeout place she can learn or can go home. Having an escape plan always helps my ds do stuff.

He has about 3 escape plans per everything he does

Hi OP

I really feel for you - my DS ( only 9) has ADHD and quite severe anxiety ( and quite a few ASD traits). He also does not enjoy school and would much prefer to be at home. He finds the unstructured social interactions very challenging. Unfortunately I am a single parent so couldn’t afford to home school him but also think I would be terrible at it. It’s been challenging getting him back post lock down.

One thing I would suggest is as well as talking to the head you ask to speak to the SENCO before your daughter returns to school.

Unfortunately many areas do have very slow waiting lists for assessment for ASD at the moment. So if the school have just referred her it may be some time until she receives a formal diagnosis.

She does not however need a formal diagnosis to be placed on a school’s SEN register and receive support in school if school have identified that she has difficulties. So I would want to see where the school is on that, then work with the SENCO on a possible staggered ( if needed) return with some adjustments.

Separately from the ASD you could also see if you could get a referral to CAHMs for the anxiety - although again these are so hard to get atm. You might also want to see if you can access any other support for your daughter’s anxiety ( if you could afford it privately then maybe try this prior to or as part of her return to school plan? If not try the GP for referral). I’d also want school to be assisting with her anxiety.

I wish you and your daughter lots of luck - it’s so difficult watching your child suffer anxiety.

Beebittyboo.
Sorry if I'm a bit late.
I have spent around thirty years working with children and adults with varying degrees of SN including ADHD, Autism, Anxiety.
Just popping out but didn't want to read and run and did want to let you know that you are not to blame for all of this.
You obviously are trying your best and are doing what you feel is right for your child. Some of the pps are being helpful and some are being deliberately goady. If you are still around tomorrow feel free to PM me if you like.
Best wishes. 💐

It is blameworthy to refuse to acknowledge the harm to a child by taking them out of school as a wholly disproportionate reaction.

@WouldBeGood

It is blameworthy to refuse to acknowledge the harm to a child by taking them out of school as a wholly disproportionate reaction.

Ok, I'll bite. I've not refused to acknowledge anything, I've admitted a bunch on this thread it may not have been what was right for her, but it felt like the right thing at the time. You know nothing about my disability or my families circumstances so aren't really in a position to comment on whether it was disproportionate or not, and I find it odd you piped up again just to try and twist a knife. Not all disabled people were stoically getting on with it, some of us were quite afraid, and that's ok, it doesn't make us mentally ill. Unfortunately my children were born to a disabled mother which made this shit show of a pandemic harder on them than it would have been otherwise. Thanks for all of your posts and advice. I think we're going to put her back on the waiting list and take it from there and perhaps look into a private referral for her too.

@Beebityboo there will always be people on here who seem to want to twist a situation to suit some odd 'the OP must be lying and is therefore the bad guy' narrative. Ignore.

Plenty of people took their kids out of school if they were shielding. Plenty.

Thanks. I was probably being a bit snippy, I was feeling a little fragile yesterday. I already have a huge amount of guilt about the situation.

It's not easy. My son had a terrible time in the first lockdown, and of course his CAHMS appointments were all cancelled, so who knows when he might be seen?

I think the difference between physical health and mental health issues is that, with, say, a broken leg, the treatment would be very obvious, and professionals would do it. For mental health, neither of those things tend to be true, so we end up feeling our way as parents.

A bit more empathy would not go amiss on here.

Have you considered scouts instead of guides. Our group is very good at supporting children who may not fit into the 'norm'.

At school ds1 does not have to wear a mask and does not do the tests because he finds it all very difficult.

There is also a space that he can access at lunch time in the SEN/inclusion department if he wants.

My friends son struggled with school and accessed it on a part time basis- could the school offer something like this.

I think she is happy enough at girl guides, I'll be happy when meetings start going ahead again, the girls were all really kind and welcoming to her.
I think the ability to access a lunch time safe space is vital to her being able to go back to school, it's when this was taken away that she began to really struggle.
I have spoken to DH and he thinks we should put her back on the waiting list with a view to her starting after the May half term. I know she's going to be miserable at the idea of going back. I hate her being unhappy .

To be honest, the most important thing is that she clearly has your live and support x.

Our DC, about the same age, was off November - December (combination of physical and mental health things going on, also a shielding family). They have just started immunosuppressant therapy, but went back in March and will be going back when school restarts here.

They were in fact pretty much fine over lockdown and also fine going back to school (in fact very happy to see mates again). We're really lucky that school have been great and very supportive. We're also going through CAMHS assessments slowly here.

It's a really unusual situation. I think both my kids are delighted to have some social interactions again; we're also really pleased that rates have gone down and that there are some more mitigations in schools.

live = love

Yes I think you should send her back as I think otherwise you will end up looking at permanently homeschooling. I would want to ensure that school had a proper plan for how to support her mental health when she is back.

OP have you sought help for your own anxiety?

There could always be another wave with a worse variant and you honestly can’t let that affect your choices and behaviour forever.

Agree with sending her back, but asking the school if there's ways they can help - like a part time timetable for this term, or missing form time. Is there somewhere she can be told she can go at break /lunch- like a student services /pastoral office or the SEN office ? Somewhere she can quietly sit after she's eaten her lunch if she doesn't feel she can sit with others.

Many more children are wearing flower lanyards and not wearing masks now its all day. She might not be the only one in her class and the tests are both voluntary and no longer held in the school building. She takes the pack she's given, brings it home and you can decide if she's going to do it or not.

If you aren't able to meet her needs educationally at home, then she needs to go to school, but it doesn't need to be a full school day 5 days a week now.

Contact the school and see what they can offer. Id email the head of year and SENCo as a starting point. (If there's a dedicated pastoral lead for year 9, cc them in as well.)

Good luck.

Just thought I would update. She goes back tomorrow and is a complete bundle of nerves (I am too but hiding it well). Just really hope I'm doing the right thing.