Just broke rules, but didn’t want to! Fed up with people.

[Cogfarm]

Have a neighbour who has asked us over several times - finally said yes, as she invited us into her garden. When we got to house, she insisted that we walk through - I went straight out to garden. But then she set everything up on table inside. I kept trying to go outside, and she kept beckoning us in. It was so awkward! She’s had vaccine/so have I - but my DS has very runny nose (I’d warned neighbour and tried to postpone). I just feel rubbish now - like I’m a wimp and I should have stood up for my beliefs.

I’d much rather listen to professionals than start making my own ad hoc risk assessments.

Fair enough. Thanks for replying.

And sorry for the cross post - you had already answered.

And yes - I made a mistake - I meant the 17th!!

I really empathise. I am terrible at assertiveness, and like you, would be uncomfortable being inside with people who have had lots of similar social interactions. I have a bubble which can be useful to avoid these situations. I find it easier to say 'oh it wouldn't be right, I'd need to talk to X before we have close contact with anyone else'.

The reality is that these people are the ones who should feel shit for manipulating people. I've noticed that the ones that are most put out by your desire not to have close contact are the ones who haven't been following the rules and feel your reluctance is a judgement on their lax behaviour. Which it isn't. But also is!

[quote Cogfarm]@HesterShaw1 it’s more that if I got it/or passed it on to anyone (even if I’d contracted it elsewhere) - I’d know that I haven’t stuck to guidelines. If DP got it (he has a high security job/strict guidelines) - he’d know I’ve broken guidelines. Similarly - I’m on call for my DM who has care needs/anxiety - so I need to inform her and can’t really take her to hospital appts for next 10 days/or at least let her make the choice. I had the 12th date in my head! - but yes it’s the 17th - and I’d have been aware nearer the time.[/quote]
But you say yourself, you could've still stuck to guidelines and got it anywhere (like many, many others have). In fact, you're probably MORE likely to contract it from going to the supermarket than you are sitting by an open door in your vaccinated friends house?

Even though you broke the rules, the likelihood of you getting covid from that breach is absolutely miniscule?

The rules are very blunt because they are for everyone, they cant take account of nuances/every situation so they have to cater for the "worst" scenario. Its the difference between if you'd been hanging out in a tiny unventilated room with an unvaccinated ICU doctor who cares for covid patients v the scenario you describe?

i'm not saying you (or anyone!) should break the rules, but try and get some perspective on what actually happened and the likelihood of risk as a result.

@Jubilate exactly!! I hate feeling judged or manipulated for my choice to follow guidelines. Or that I’m ‘over reacting’ - and that trumps my desire to be cautious. Why am I the one to be ridiculed? I do not have any expert knowledge when it comes to science/virus control - I fully admit this, and want to follow the expert advice. Yet I’m dismissed as ‘paranoid’.

Sorry! I’m moaning. Your comments here are very helpful - and I do appreciate them all. X

It is possible to be assertive. DD2 went to a friend's house last week and the Dad immediately said 'X says go straight up to her bedroom.' I replied 'Ooh, sorry, it's still against the law right now, so DD2 will need to go and stay in the garden.'

You do know there’s less than 3000 detectable cases out of a population of 67 million AND that doesn’t break down how many cases are in hospitals or factories AND you’ve been vaccinated AND they test over one million people per day and still can’t find more than 3000 cases. I think you’ll probably be ok!

I am at the stage now where I take pretty much no notice of the "rules", I wear a face mask and social distance where I need to but within my close friends and family the rules went out of the window a while ago. But I try to respect others feelings and boundaries. If a friend wants to meet then they are welcome to come to my house, inside or in the garden, up to them. If they want to go for a walk and keep a 2m distance then fine by me, I'll keep that distance. I don't actually have anyone in my close family or friends that sticks to the rules but if I did then I would respect their choice and not put any pressure on them. Any covid laws or guidance I follow has always been about protecting other people, I haven't given a fuck if I get covid from day one, but I realise that other people are worried. Your neighbour is a dick tbh.

If you want to be assertive in future, it's easy. You didn't break guidelines, you broke the law.

So simply say 'I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable breaking the law, I will wait until we are legally permitted to meet inside again.'

@Shelovesamystery that’s a great post - and yes it’s about respect. TBH if my neighbour is not following guidelines, that’s her choice - but I don’t want that choice enforced on me. My messages, even seconds before I went round - were about sitting in the garden/going through the garage. And then she changed her tack as soon as we walked onto her drive. I had to open her patio door to GET outside - and then she kept enticing us in.

You can always say that you are following the rules to set the children a good example, if that helps.

From now on I shall channel my inner @Lougle. Well done! I think it was the first time I’d been in a situation like that - I know what to do now!

I don't actually have anyone in my close family or friends that sticks to the rules

This really surprises me; almost everyone I know is being really cautious and sticking by the rules. I must just have really obedient friends!

I'm not sure why you didn't explain as you have on here.... "I know others aren't sticking to the rules but I absolutely am. I only want to visit outside, as is currently allowed, and you did say we would be out in the garden. I'm really grateful for the invitation but if we're to be in the house, I'm going to have to go back home and visit you when the rules have relaxed a bit more. Very sorry...."

From next week people will be cramming into shopping centres with no social distancing, going to hairdressers and gyms and various other indoor activities, the notion that these are “safe” and having a friend sit inside your house is not is ridiculous, I fully support everything reopening but we have to get over mindlessly following rules that make no sense. You are massively over reacting OP but if you don’t want to do something you should have the guts to say something not do it anyway then complain about it to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

You do know there’s less than 3000 detectable cases out of a population of 67 million AND that doesn’t break down how many cases are in hospitals or factories AND you’ve been vaccinated AND they test over one million people per day and still can’t find more than 3000 cases. I think you’ll probably be ok!

This. You'd probably have to work quite hard to get covid at present, and the chance of getting it from someone vaccinated given the prevelance must be around lottery-winning levels.

@Katie517

From next week people will be cramming into shopping centres with no social distancing, going to hairdressers and gyms and various other indoor activities, the notion that these are “safe” and having a friend sit inside your house is not is ridiculous, I fully support everything reopening but we have to get over mindlessly following rules that make no sense. You are massively over reacting OP but if you don’t want to do something you should have the guts to say something not do it anyway then complain about it to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Opportunities for cramming remain limited even next week :o

I never get involved with neighbours for this very reason. Friends at first then they want to run your life and be in your house all the time. Mine are all at arms length. Familiarity definitely breeds contempt. Do not feel bad, I think you were in an impossible position. However, if invited again just say sorry I won't be going to anyone's home till x date(whenever you are allowed indoors). If I met up with people, I always asked what they were comfortable with, but also said what I felt comfortable with beforehand. People should not be bulldozed into situations they do not like.

Goodness my neighbours aren't like this! We are all very friendly and polite and chatty, and we look out for one another, but definitely not in each other's lives.

Feel like I have dodged a bullet with some of these neighbours.

Perhaps you need some assertiveness training OP

Do you usually do what others want you to do even though you don't want to....

Only you can change this and be less wimpy and a total pushover

I think the pandemic has been really challenging for a lot of friendships for reasons like this, and only the stronger friendships will survive it.

I am no longer obeying the 'indoor' rules, and nor do I think they should be in place for small gatherings of family and close friends - I don't think the current level of risk justifies them personally. Having said that, I would never pressure any friend who felt differently to break the rules. Most of my friends are similarly rule-bending now, but I have one good friend who will not break any of the rules, we understand each other's positions and respectfully disagree with each other and would never pressure each other in either direction. If your friendship isn't tough enough to do that, it's probably doomed anyway...

It sounds like your neighbour is pushy and passive aggressive. Some people are annoyed at those who don't want to put themselves at risk and deliberately push it. In my experience it seems to be older people who usually don't like to break the law and so do it in this let's pretend it's all fine way. I find people like that draining, I'm much more comfortable with someone who is straight with me.