Young children disengaging with grandparents on Zoom

[Tobebythesea]

We’ve got a young school age child who is (non-Covid times) close to their grandparents. They haven’t seen them now for 5 months due to changes in tiers and 2 lockdowns.

Since Christmas the disengagement via Zoom has got increasingly worse (getting up in the middle of the conversation to watch tv, say they want to go frequently) and today fir the first time our child refused to talk to them or come to the camera. It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do.

Is anyone else having this? Any advice? Do we wait it out until we can actually meet up outside in a few weeks?

It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do.

Really?

They’re children. Being forced to interact via a highly unnatural medium for them. Give them a break.

I find zoom pretty exhausting and dull myself even with close friends and I’m 33, so I think it’s very understandable and normal that they’re done with it. I’d do outside meetings if you can and maybe just zoom her yourself and the kids can say hello if they want to

I used to work away a lot when DS was little. He would refuse point blank to speak to me on the phone when I called from my hotel room.

I didn't take it personally or ask DH to force it.

It was like it was his coping mechanism for me not being there - out of sight out of mind.

Honestly OP don't fret about it.

I hate zoom calls !

In real life you don’t stare continuously at someone during a conversation, and in a group there’s no “talking pillow” where one person speaks at a time. Different people interact, talk over each other, look away, look down etc etc etc.

To stare at people for ages on a screen is hard work. Adults can be polite, but it must be torture for young children (and I am very hot on manners!).

It’s really hard.
We “invite” my parents for dinner. Literally put a tablet on the table and they eat at the same time their end. Is a bit too “forced” otherwise.

Also my older son has given my dad a lesson on a computer game via zoom and my dad has given him a piano lesson! I think always best if another activity is involved

This is exactly why my kids see their GPS
The 3 year old would lose interest and the 1 year old had no idea.
They see ils twice a week.
My DF prob once or twice a week and my Dm up to 4 times a week.

"They see ils twice a week.
My DF prob once or twice a week and my Dm up to 4 times a week."

Crikey, this is overkill and highly dependent.

I have done one 'zoom' social/family call since last March. I don't like them. I will only talk on the phone now. Being visible all the time on a phone call is stressful, especially if you have to behave and sit still and you are a child. Even on phone calls I have to doodle.
Could you just get the DC to record a 10-20 second hello video each week and email it?

Also, there isn't actually much to catch up on for most people at the moment. If they don't catch up with a relative for several months, the chances are nothing will have changed when they do.

Not a case of being highly dependant the 3 year old asks more so being as there's no other activities going on that we normally do, local farm weekly , local theme park fortnightly. Soft play weekly, swimming etc. . My dm I drive her to work so they see her.
My DF lives 1 Road away and we pass by when go to the park.
ILs live 5 min away they enjoy taking them to park or to theirs for dinner or something.

I think it's great they have a lovely bond. I did too with my DN

I think this is totally normal. And, like a few other posters, I'm an adult not even living in the UK (so see family less frequently anyway) and I absolutely hate video calls - I agree that they're really hard work and feel so forced! I find them in no way comparable to seeing each other in person and get absolutely nothing from them that I can't get from a simple phone call.

Hmm mine have zoomed a lot with their grandparents and it has worked really well with one set - who have been really proactive in thinking up activities to do together - and not so well with the other set who just expect to talk at the children.

Things that have worked well have been reading stories - a chapter a day - ; Lego challenge where they all build something in a set time; we found some board games that work ok over zoom (top trumps, camel Up, battleships); watching something together (use watch together on Plex or Netflix); cooking together; having zoom on during a meal eg we did a pancake breakfast last weekend. And mainly no one taking it personally if something hasn’t worked or it’s been a shorter call than usual.

For us it has been a really positive part of the whole experience and we carried it on between lockdowns (grandparents don’t live really close so we can have more regular contact this way) but I am aware the grandparents have worked really hard to make it successful. The good news is we will be able to see each other in person soon and that will be a million times better than over zoom!

@KettleWentBang. I think it's lovely that your children see their grandparents regularly but surely most young children doing video calls with grandparents will be doing this because face-to-face contact is not possible. It is currently illegal not to stay "local" and, although people might stretch this a bit, it's impossible to stretch "local" to cover 160 miles, which is how far my parents live from us. Hence, we Zoom and Skype and try to make the best of it.

Turn your camera around and point it at the kids just playing and going about their day while you yourself are chatting to the person. Much more natural.

I can’t stand zoom, teams etc. I find the concentration required to listen and engage utterly exhausting and I’m an adult. I keep usage to a minimum for work when I absolutely can’t avoid it. Consequently I wouldn’t expect my 4 year old to engage with it for more than a few minutes (seconds). Your expectations sound quite unfair - you don’t say how old your child is other than ‘young.’ If they’ve been having to use it for home schooling I’d have an even lower expectation about their ability / desire to engage over it with family on top of online schooling. My DP’s were insistent on using it to see DS, it just doesn’t work for him. I can’t imagine that is remotely unusual for a 4 year old.

"It is currently illegal not to stay "local""

The current laws don't apply to @KettleWentBang it appears

I feel like your children do in your OP re zoom/video calls 😂

I think Zoom calls are awful (fully appreciate that many love them which is of course absolutely fine!) - but I absolutely hate them.

It doesn’t come close to seeing someone in person and can quickly become very boring/forced especially with your own face staring back as well.

I often want to go and do something/anything else rather than stare at or try and socialise via a screen as well tbh.

That's because myself like many others are sick of being dictated to.
Many many families around here are the same.
They're all in walking distance so it's not as if we're traveling miles.
My DF house i can see from my upstairs windows! That's how close.
It's a Risk weve all decided to take.
I know front like NHS who have had beauty care etc via the back of salons. So my dcs seeing their under age 60 GPS isn't that bad.
I have a teen at school in a bubble with 180 kids. In classrooms where there are no windows!
Were done. We're living life as best we can. Until things open up and we'll be straight back to doing our daily trips to local places enjoying life.

It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do

This seems like an over reaction.
Zoom calls are hard for adults never mind kids. Our 6 year old just isn't interested so we've not forced it.

We gave up on Zoom chats a few weeks into lockdown 1. DD just had no interest and grandparents didn't know what to talk to her about as we hadn't been doing anything!
If you think about how children interact with you, they usually want to play or look at a book or run around with you, rather than sitting together and chatting.
We started sending videos and photos to my parents via WhatsApp instead. Just videos of them playing or baking or whatever we did that day. Much easier.

It is currently illegal not to stay "local"

No. It is currently advised to stay local. With no real logic as to why.

Zoom is rubbish for kids. I'm not surprised they wander off. Cut the kids some slack... You'll be able to meet up sooner or later. The grandparents will understand if you explain they have Zoom fatigue and that they are still young kids.

My dad forces FaceTime calls on my seven year old. He's doing more harm than good to their relationship to be honest but he won't listen.

Now she can't bear the thought of speaking to him.

In laws are far better - they actually understand that young kids don't want to talk sometimes. Never pushed a thing. We've not FaceTimed once, Dh just talks to them and I text mil bits and bobs ans photos of the kids/their work etc. But they are far less needy than my dad is.

Video calls work best when grandparents really up their game. My DM has done finger puppets, hand puppets, balloon animals and a large toy animal whose head kept falling off (huge hit). DS also likes it when she hides behind the door and jumps out or mixes different colours of paint together. Think those silly YouTube toy videos which kids love, only with grandparents starring in them as an extra bonus.

Just sitting and chatting...nah!

What are the actual rules (as opposed to guidance) for staying local? Does anyone know? If we met my parents for a walk in a park 2 hours drive away, would that be breaking the law?