Young children disengaging with grandparents on Zoom

[Tobebythesea]

We’ve got a young school age child who is (non-Covid times) close to their grandparents. They haven’t seen them now for 5 months due to changes in tiers and 2 lockdowns.

Since Christmas the disengagement via Zoom has got increasingly worse (getting up in the middle of the conversation to watch tv, say they want to go frequently) and today fir the first time our child refused to talk to them or come to the camera. It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do.

Is anyone else having this? Any advice? Do we wait it out until we can actually meet up outside in a few weeks?

Mine love their grandparents but won’t do video calls. I just send little videos instead.

My DS won't sit and talk on zoom. Today he chatted to his Nanny while hopping around on our bed. He also disappeared from the conversation several times. His nanna completely understands.

We have a Portal and so do my parents and PILs. It sits on top of your TV and we can call each other using WhatsApp or Facebook messenger. We see them on our TV and they can see us on theirs. I have 19 month old twins who can’t talk much yet and don’t sit still. It means that they can move round and play like normal but my parents can see them and try to engage with them. It works well for us.

Mine are like that to be fair. Adore my mum but cannot be fucked with zoom calls.

To be fair, that pretty much describes me too and I am definitely not a small child!

My kids and family are pros at FaceTime as my family is abroad. What works best is when the adults engage with what the kids are doing not just asking the kids questions and asking them to talk about what they are doing as they quickly lose interest.
My sister has a few barbies and dolls at her end and my dds play barbies together with my sister they put the phone where they are playing and they join in with the playing sometimes talking a lot sometimes not very much.
I often do the same thing with my sister. We were both watching the same tennis match but on different continents both with a cup of tea not having to constantly talk but there when we want to talk it feels a lot more natural.

My DS was like this. During the first lockdown we used to try a video call every weekday and at first he loved it (he was 2 at the time). After a while he started to disengage, then after that he actively hated it. He would cry and try to hang up my phone, which wasn’t nice for anyone. So I just started doing the calls myself and DS could trot up and say hi if he wanted to. I just don’t think it’s that pleasant or natural for them

I was lucky as when informal childcare was allowed again (Scotland) he could start going back to my mum and dad’s while I worked 3 days. The first time he was actually in their presence again he was so excited, he kept going up to touch their faces as if to make sure they were really there. He still kicks off if I try to engage him in a video call these days, he just hates them.

I find enforced/regular zoom meetings whether it be with family or work colleagues cringe/hard work too so I'm not surprised your child is.

Maybe stop having such regular contact - I know that will be hard for grandparents but it's all so contrived - spontaneity would be better and more like to get them to engage

I've not RTFT, but my 8yo will play games on FB messenger until the cows come home. If you call in messenger, there's and option to play simple games, she loves them. Perhaps try that?

Take the pressure off them. Make the call when they are busy playing and don’t have an expectation of them to sit there and talk. I have a 5yo and he comes and says hello when he wants to, and might have a little chat but then is free to go and wander and come back if he wants to. It’s so hard for them to engage over a computer, it’s not the same at all. My parents, although they enjoy seeing the children, completely understand that it’s very difficult and they don’t expect them to sit there either.

My grandkids are the same; zoom is just not a method that appeals to them (or me,TBH). Does it perhaps feel a bit like school, or an interview? We've found we all actually prefer to communicate by landline phone, on speaker.They are much chattier and more relaxed and we've devised games to play via the phone.

They also absolutely adore receiving a personal letter by post. Beats whatsapp hands down.

Dd has been baking with family members on zoom calls. I get all the Ingredients and utensils out and they make the same recipe, with the relative talking them through it.

To be fair I'd be sick of weekly FaceTime calls as well. We've found sending a short video works better and having a video reply. 'Oh you're enjoying making this cake/drawing a picture/playing a game, shall we tell granny and also ask her what she's doing?' Record a short clip of the activity, get DC to say something and always ask a question to initiate a reply. The fact it's not live massively takes off the pressure.

I would honestly just stop or vastly reduce. I understand the grandparents will miss the kids but think of real visits and how the conversation just naturally flows and sometimes you’re even just sitting in a companionable silence - Zoom just just feels so fake and forced.

It’s tricky because it’s of course going to hurt GPs if you say we want to cut the calls to once and fortnight (or less).

I don't blame children who are sick of video calls - l have had enough of them now too.
Just not the same and can be hard work.
Rule if 6 coming soon op hopefully you can meet up outside if they are local?

Yes, my DC are like this now too. Hard to keep them on for 5 minutes with grandparents now. I think it is just video call fatigue. I'm sure they will be pleased se their GPs again in a few weeks.

I'm fed up with video calls too. I find them a real strain. We've just decided to significantly reduce our video meetings at work too. They are very wearing.

I hate Zoom and so do the kids (older) so I don't make them. If I or they are in the room while DH is having gone s weekly chat with his family, we might say hello and have a brief chat, but that's it.
It's not for everyone, especially little kids. Please don't be embarrassed. It sounds like you have had good Zoom compliance for a while, so you've done well.

This thread has completely shocked me. We live a long way from my parents so only ever see them twice a year. I have never even considered getting ds to do a video call with them once a week. He maybe will chat to them once every month on the phone but it’s always been when he wants to. Why are you doing these Zoom calls? For whose benefit?

Screen sharing saved our zoom! They can watch a tv show together (strictly on YouTube and bake off) and play Pictionary etc - the direct pressure of video chat was too much but the focus on something else helped.

We live outside the U.K. so my three are used to FaceTiming family back at home. We have always found that the video calls are best right after a visit (think the kids relate to the people behind the screen better) and it deteriorates with time. Right now we’re on month 14 of no visits and the kids couldn’t be any less interested in speaking to their grandparents. It breaks my heart for my parents but nothing we can do. Agree with PP that getting the kids involved in an activity before starting the call helps - we find it best to do it over a meal time. I bet they’ll be fine when they meet their grandparents FTF again!

To be honest it sounds as though your calls must be far too long if the grandparentnis trying to orchestrate games of I spy! It would be far less tortured if you let the child say hello, perhaps tell his or her grandmother about something you've reminded him or her happened this week, and then potter about in the background while you talk to your mother/ your DH talks to his mother. No TV on but let your child play with lego/ jigsaw/ read/ colour/ draw in the background while you talk.

Otherwise its completely forced and you'll end up with the child associating his or her grandmother with feeling awkward and uncomfortable, bored, resentful and coerced, which isn't what you want!

I completely agree with Schoolshirt that its worth being honest with yourself and your family that children get nothing out of these video calls - they are entirely for the adults' benefit.
I live in a different country to my parents too and hate zoom calls and only do them for rare special occasions. I never force my children to speak to their grandparents either - one of mine likes to and phones them up of her own accord, one wants to talk to them sometimes if he's got something to say, and one finds the whole idea excruciating and doesn't really speak to tjem on the phone at all. Forcing him wouldn't improve his relationship with them - it's not a bad relationship, just not a telephone relationship!

You need a lot of maturity and social skills to have a conversation or any presence on zoom. This is why it isn't a great platform for young children who rely a lot more on the non verbal aspects of conversation and for whom communication is always much more one way than you realise.

Mine last 5 minutes or less before they're bored. It's not the same as real life.

I'm not sure what's rude or embarrassing about it.

We've had great success with playing online Battleships. FaceTime video call in one window and then Battleships in another adjacent window.

The DC love playing Battleships against their grandparents and the calls are now much longer than when we were trying to just have a conversation.

We've also done board games on the table with the grandparents having their own dice to throw and we move the counter on their behalf, although online battleships is what we always gravitate back to.

Can you do some sort of game via zoom to keep them engaged.

My 4 year old loves watching his grandad unpack his food shopping every week and guesses what’s going to be next out of the bag!