Young children disengaging with grandparents on Zoom

[Tobebythesea]

We’ve got a young school age child who is (non-Covid times) close to their grandparents. They haven’t seen them now for 5 months due to changes in tiers and 2 lockdowns.

Since Christmas the disengagement via Zoom has got increasingly worse (getting up in the middle of the conversation to watch tv, say they want to go frequently) and today fir the first time our child refused to talk to them or come to the camera. It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do.

Is anyone else having this? Any advice? Do we wait it out until we can actually meet up outside in a few weeks?

Do they need to be weekly?

I’m an adult and struggle with weekly calls to the in-laws. We’ve settled on fortnightly, and we do a FaceTime and catch up. I still feel like there’s not enough to say to fill an hour, but it’s a lot better then when we were trying to do it weekly. I struggled to keep myself engaged then...

If it has to be weekly, I’d make them short. Reading books and I Spy sound like long calls, and you’re fighting a losing battle to keep them interesting.

My DC just say hi and goodbye now. I tried to force it but it was obvious to the GP that attendance was coming from me rather then them so I gave it up.

My 5 year old is the same. He has now shown an interest in using the landline and sat on the phone to my mother in law for a good 15 minutes today before anyone else got to talk to her. Might be worth a try?

@Orangedaisy

Works best for us if the kids are doing something at the same time. Hama beads, even zooming over a meal. Goes really wrong if we just expect them to sit there and chat. Also grandparents read a story their end which works well. I’ve also occasionally photographed the whole school reading book and WhatsApped it to granny, then she listens to the reading. That works well and I don’t have to put up with biff and chip.

This is the same as is, usually we will have other things out at the same time, playdoh, drawing etc or during a meal.

I love the idea of photographing the reading book!

Activities work well. My DS will do art or jigsaws on a tuff tray and talk to his grandparents. Quite often I just talk to my parents and he wanders in and out of the call.

Some options -

1. try mixing ways of communication - videocalls, phone calls, letter writing not all video
2. there are websites that let you play a boardgame or party game with others

All my hate zoom,Google meets,FaceTime etc. Eldest dancing is over zoom now and she refuses to engage until face to face classes are back, would just explain this gently to grandparents sure they will understand

My 7yo DS has refused to join Zoom calls for some time now. He hates them. This means he can't join in with Beavers or see his grandparents but he just doesn't like them. I can't bring myself to keep trying to encourage him. He has tried but he's fed up with it all.

Weirdly he is happy to talk to his grandparents on the phone.

I think you're overthinking it tbh.
It's lovely that your parents are putting so much effort in with the kids playing games and things (I wish my mum was like this with my kids!!) but video calls are boring for kids. My DD who is 7 doesn't even particularly enjoy talking to her own friends on Zoom and she's a very sociable little girl usually!
I'm sure your parents must understand, or have they made comments and that's why you're feeling embarrassed etc?

My ds will only engage on facetime for longer than a minute if its on his terms. Ie he will spend a good 5/10 minutes giving nanny a mind numbing tour of all his toys with the majority of the time the camera pointing the wrong way and my ds talking nonsense the whole time.

It's hard for adults to force/make conversations online never mind young kids. Take lots of photos, record videos of your dc acting daft or silly and send them to grandparents regularly Instead of enforcing a weekly chat, and keep the zoom chat for yourself to engage with your parents discussing all the funny highlights of the videos and photos you've sent during the week

I would give up with the zoom calls. If your child isn’t engaging then they are for the benefit of the grandparents rather than anyone else. Grandparents will understand.

How far away do they live? Is it too far to meet in person outside? I’d do that in preference to zoom, but if it’s too far, just stop the calls for a few weeks until you can see them in person.

Dd2 is 6 and like this with talking to her dad unless she has something specific to tell him. Don't force it.

We just don't make ours do video calls. No good will come of forced interaction. They are both comfortable enough with the grandparents that they can pick up where they left off (and did last summer after 5 months). It'll be fine.

Kids don't chat !! especially when every day is groundhog day so bugger all to talk about ! Your grandparents should understand

TBH I find any weekly phone calls with remote family tortuous at this point.

We’re all very strict with lockdown rules, have exhausted the “what are you watching” conversations, are beyond the vax timescale speculation and have very little to say to each other. I’d just rather wait. So I massively sympathise with any kids forced to do it!

My 12 yo only engages for 20 mins max. You’re expecting a lot from littlies. Don’t sweat the small stuff. You can swivel the camera round and grandma can watch your dcs doing an activity, dancing or just jumping around.

It’s sad, rude and embarrassing (to us) but we just don’t know what to do.

It's a shame, but it absolutely isn't embarrassing. Not is it rude imo. You're asking a child to perform and they don't usually enjoy that.

Surely your parents understand, so what is the issue?

Zoom is shit for kids.

My grandchildren shout Hi Granny, love you, stand on their heads and then run off shrieking with laughter, leaving their parents to have a nice chat. In fact that’s what they do when I visit. Sometimes if they have something to tell me they do that before they run off, or come back to say it. All perfectly normal. I love to see them and hope it will soon be face to face.

Why have the TV on at the same time? That's not going to help.

Yeah, since some kids are not able to go out and about, they just run out of things to say. Even I do. No one wants to hear how I wash dishes everyday.

Maybe next time, they can practice their reading to their grandparents or find a game they can play together. Something that can fill up their days

My mum and dad do video calls and put me on their big telly. I hate it. Video call make me feel like I have to perform.

How about trying a phone call instead? I always try and just ring my parents, much nicer and more personal, although they do put me on speaker phone.

Small kids just don’t really understand. You have to get over feelings of embarrassment or that they’re being rude. It’s completely alien and it’s common for primary age to be disengaged. For the school zoom calls my 4yo was a shell of herself. They just seemed to make her sad. She is very variable with grandparents on zoom. Sometimes she’ll talk for ages and other times won’t even say hello.

I also think they the scheduled weekly call might be putting too much pressure on for it to work. You might get get on better with more frequent informal calls then if it works it works, if it doesn’t no bother.

Granny sounds a bit intense. Eye spy and memory games every week?
Your and GP expectations are way off. And why be embarrassed, are PIL tutting and disapproving? I've been there.
Just leave it and see them in a few weeks.

"Granny sounds a bit intense. Eye spy and memory games every week?"

That's what jumped out at me too. All sounds very cringeworthy and awkward. There's no point forcing these zoom calls OP, as for being "embarrassed" , why?