Aging parent not complying with lockdown

[AvieSo]

Can I please get some help and advice.

I am living in an eu country and the vaccine roll out is slower than the UK. My mother is 69 and she won't be vaccinated yet. Hopefully by summertime she will be.

I'm having a very bad time from her lately. She doesn't want to follow the guidelines and the lockdown any more. She broke the restriction rules earlier this week. I'm not going into any more details as to what she did. She had a good day out and now she wants to do more. I'm not happy with her doing more because it's not safe. She's putting herself into shared public/indoor spaces. I would be ok if she was going out walking in the open air because that is less risky. Very time that she intends to do that, she's placing herself at risk of contracting the virus. Not only that, but I have a sibling living at home and my mother is brutal at the cough etiquette and she will not cover her mouth when she's coughing so if she contracts the virus, she's putting my sibling at risk too because she doesn't like to cover her mouth.

So that is one issue that I have. Whatever about breaking the lockdown restrictions once, doing it again and again will put her at risk more and more. Shes only weeks away from a vaccine but she will not sit tight any more. How can I help her see some sense? What she is doing is ridiculous. Risking the virus because she's bored. Has anyone here had to deal with anything similar. Deal with an aging parent that doesn't want to comply with the restrictions.

I have siblings living abroad. A phone call and a bollicking down the phone from them will get her to comply. Should I phone them and tell them what is happening. If she contracts the virus, it will only be a matter of time before I will have to phone them anyways and chances are it could be a different type of call too. Should I phone them and inform them that she's placing herself and my sibling at risk?

Also now that she is actively planning on ignoring the lockdown, there's another smaller issue. A neighbour of mine is very kind and whenever she sees my mom walking to the shop or post office, she usually stops to give my mother a lift. Now that my mother is actively planning to put herself at risk more, should I talk to my neighbour and ask her to stop giving my mother a lift? This will be to keep her (as in my neighbour) as safe as possible too. If my mother contracts the virus and my neighbour stops to give her a lift, they will be sharing a closed indoor space together. Talking to the neighbour and requesting her to stop giving my mother a lift, will hopefully ensure the virus stays within my mother's household if she was to contract the virus.

Well, it's her decision and even if she does get Covid the odds are she will not get seriously ill (unless she has additional risk factors she hasn't mentioned). Are you in an area with really high Covid cases at the moment?

What exactly is she doing?

I'd stay out of it OP.

She took an idea into her head a few weeks ago that she wanted to go to the city on the bus. She used to do this regularly pre covid times. I see public transport as a risk. I managed to talk her out from it for that time but then she did it. She went to the city on the bus. Now that she has done it, she wants to do it again. It's all for non essential stuff. She is putting herself at risk by travelling on public transport. Then she's going into the city and going about any of the shops that are open. She refuses to wear a mask properly too. She wears the straps on her ears but she will jot use the nose wire and its not lying flat against the skin and its under her nose so that's more risk.

I'm living in a high covid area.

I don't drive a car so I am not able to help her.

She’s not a child is she? She’s an adult. What exactly do you propose doing to her?

Beyond expressing your concern for her and others’ health, nothing you can do.

I'm not sure that public transport is a massive risk, unless it is crowded. It is her decision and I think you should respect that. Do remember that most people who get Covid will be absolutely fine.

Ageing? At 69, really?

You want siblings to bollock her?

Ew. Cut it out- everyone has their limits, and perhaps she has reached hers.

A bollocking ..... bloody hello.

She hasn't broken lockdown by travelling on public transport and going into a legally open shop, has she?

• hell!!

She's not 'ageing'. You don't mention any health issues (physical or mental) so I'm really not sure why this is your issue to deal with - it's her choice. Her neighbour is also choosing to give her a lift so their own risk is down to them.

You seem to have fallen into the thought process that if your 69 year old mother catches Covid then you will phoning your siblings to inform them of her death. Do you know the actual statistics and likelihood of this? Because it's actually very very low.

There are many many 60 somethings going into work places right now who have their children living at home.

Doesn't matter whether any of us (or you) think she shouldn't be breaking the rules - it's her decision to make.

Erm... wtf?!

You could lock her up or have her sectioned....or perhaps just let her take her own decisions.

The restrictions in my home country advises people to only move about in public for essential reasons only. The restrictions state non essential journeys are off.

She's now planning on making the non essential journeys regularly. I was concerned and I wasn't very pleased with it once but I got my mind around it. She's now planning on doing it weekly. She's putting herself at risk.

Bloody hell. She’s 69 and you’re treating her like a child.
What she does is entirely up to her.

I'm not treating her like a child. We are in lock down with pandemic measures and restrictions. I would like to see her minimise risk of contracting the virus. She has decided she doesn't want to any more. Does old age give her the right to piss against the lockdown measures?

I have siblings living abroad. A phone call and a bollicking down the phone from them will get her to comply.

You and your siblings sound charming.

What is it with people thinking they should be able to tell their parents what to do as they think they know better? My Uncle, much older than your Mum, is going out regularly and I'm leaving him to it because he's an adult and quite capable of making his own decisions.

It makes no sense. She followed the restrictions to date to protect herself and her health. It makes no sense to give up now with only weeks away from a vaccine.

She's putting herself at risk

Her choice. Not yours.
Also my mum is a similar age and would be livid if I called her ‘ageing’. She still works nearly full time in the NHS!

@AvieSo

I'm not treating her like a child. We are in lock down with pandemic measures and restrictions. I would like to see her minimise risk of contracting the virus. She has decided she doesn't want to any more. Does old age give her the right to piss against the lockdown measures?

No. But it’s her decision to make, not yours.

I mean, I assume she’s managed to navigate life for the past 69 years without her children telling her what she should and should be doing?

My sibling who's lives at home stopped meeting his friends every week to minimise contracting the virus and bringing it home to our mother. Will it be OK for him to go drinking in a shebeen now because my mother is done with lockdown?

Who is her next of kin. She has an ex husband that she never bothered to legally separate from and never mind a divorce? If she needs hospital treatment, is he still her next of kin because in the eyes of the law they are still married? How the fcuk do we navigate that one? If she falls ill and if she needs hospital treatment - who is her next of kin - the ex who she despises?

Leave your mother alone! She's an adult with capacity and she doesn't want to live a restricted life. That's her choice. Yes it impacts on others but that's the way of the world.